I'm a 29 year old (soon to be 30 year old) Asian Indian American living in Sacramento, CA. I got out of a 5.5 year relationship 2 years ago on this same day. I learned early on that she had danced with another guy about 3.5 months into dating her, but due to my severe lack of dating experience, I chose to forgive her even though there's a high likelihood that she had gone much further than just dancing that night with her friend downtown. It's highly likely she cheated the entire time we were together. I had very slow self esteem due to childhood trauma, and my parents' relationship of 33 years is going to end in a divorce this year.

My father was and still is an alcoholic, and undiagnosed narcissist who emotionally, mentally. physically, and socially abused my mother, who he married at age 19 (she was 18). He also abused me as a child, but with less ferocity than he did my mom. My mom was abusive towards me growing up too, but maybe 1/5 of the abuse my father delivered onto me. They were married in an arranged marriage after his brother died and felt the pressure to marry soon due to his reckless habit of sleeping around, which his parents frowned on. My dad's father was also abusive in the ways above. and also cheated on his wife. My dad's deceased brother did the same to his wife before he died from alcoholism in his early 40s. My mother's father was also abusive towards my mom's mother and was an alcoholic, despite having an esteemed career as a banker, which he ultimately lost by trusting the wrong people.

I'm not looking for sympathy or empathy, but I am hurting right now, with all of the memories of my ex. I don't miss her, but I do miss the feeling of being in a relationship and loving someone. When I met my ex, I was 22, a virgin, and completely socially inept with women. Since my breakup 2 years ago, I have slept with 4 other women, and had a handful of near hookups with others. I'm learning that the type of man that I am is a monogamous one, who prefers a long term committed relationship with one woman at a time. Hookups are fun and exciting but also feel like eating junk food: great in the moment, but ultimately, I want something more and to grow old with someone.

I've tried dating apps and I keep coming up short with the types of women I date, even after altering my standards and going for women of a variety of ages (24 to 38) and ethnic backgrounds. I admit I have gone on some interesting dates with very intelligent women, but I keep wondering if sleeping around to find the "one" is necessary. I prefer someone who is relationship-oriented like me, but I have no idea where to find her. I have only slept with women I have found through dating apps.

Any advice for me?