Long Distance Relationships

XC_runner17 · 2018-09-04T15:17:44+00:00

I'm a Christian engaged in a LDR.

Loss of frame isn't really an issue for me that I've noticed. I see her once a month, FaceTime once a week, and I have her only text me if it's important information (aside from emailing each other our daily devotions). Texting as a means of conversation is a waste of time and doesn't build attraction.

She's moving to my state with me once we get married next month.

Maybe not the most RP move, but I do my best balancing that and honoring Christ.

EDIT: grammar

Deep_Strength · 2018-09-04T19:58:08+00:00

I was in one for more than a year before getting married. Generally, I think it's unwise to do it, but it can work.

3 hour drive is nothing. That's not really long distance. 4-5+ hour drive or having to get flights is long distance.

The goal if you are in one is to lead the relationship from a vetting perspective... get into a lot of the nitty gritty questions within the first few months since you have the time and space to discuss important topics. You can be proactive to find out if she is a good match for you rather than just allowing the relationship to kind of drift like a lot of people do when they live close to each other.
Preferably do any communication over facetime/skype/other video programs instead of text as you can see reactions and pick up if they are potentially giving you trickle truth or not.
ONEitis can definitely be an issue, but I did not have it in mine (though she likely had it for me). If you are getting ONEitis you need to be really careful. This can really compound when you meet in person because you can suddenly hug and kiss, which can be real bad.
If possible, get her to come out and visit you part or half the time. This shows she's actually invested in it (by putting money where her mouth is), and not actually trying to mooch attention and favors off you. Though you can generally tell when this is the case or not if you're observant.
Loss of frame isn't that big of a deal unless you have ONEitis or you don't have a frame to begin with. If you're already doing what you're called to do from God, then you're simply inviting her along your journey if she wants to come.

I don't really advise it, but it can work really well. Literally covered everything with her from this list of questions and we're going strong. No denial of sex ever. Teachable. Follows my lead. Nothing really super hard yet in life has happened though, so maybe that'll change and be more difficult in the future.

If people need advice making it work then they can PM me.

wkndatbernardus · 2018-09-04T12:56:48+00:00

LDRs can get dangerous if they last longer than, say, 6 months. The upside of LDRs for Christians is that sexual temptation is basically non-existent but the negatives are numerous and out weigh the positives, imo, especially since LDRs tend to put the man in the woman's frame and make it hard for the man to properly vet the woman. Plus, with all the woman that are within driving distance of you, why put energy and focus into someone who you can't really get to know fully? My guess is, you have oneitis.

On the other hand, if a woman moves to be with a man, that is a great sign she is coming into your frame and will follow you. Beware the resentment that can grow, however, if you don't meet her "expectations" when you two actually live in the same area. Resentment and ho behavior can rear their ugly heads.

ainihon · 2018-09-04T13:34:00+00:00

I had a 5 year LDR. Wasn’t married, I didn’t take the “sex before marriage” path. Communication was constant, like very constant. That’s why it lasted so long. The distance was great in the sense that it increased longing and desire for each other.

I know RP literature doesn’t support it. But I find there’s always an exemption to the rule. I did not separate with her on the account of unfaithfulness. It was more about getting out of the toxic dynamic we had.

We’d fight all the time while apart, but be so close when we’re together.

I say if it’s LDR, it’s more of faith than trust. There’s no way to know your partner is faithful, unless they disclose. Even if you did trust your partner, there’s a lingering feeling that hypergamy can take place at any moment.

helaughsinhidden · 2018-09-04T15:01:52+00:00

It happens all the time when SO's are deployed overseas for military service. Many of these relationships are Christians and they do just fine. That distance does cause loneliness, pair that with insecurity and unforgiveness, and infidelity happens in both believers and non-believers. Think about it, Bathsheba and Uriah were technically in a LDR because of his assignment in the war and look what happened. On the other hand, some women seek out men in prison with life sentences or on death row for long distance relationship only.

Why do some work and others fail miserably? The relationship lacks the opportunity to express half of the "Five Love Languages". You can't perform physical touch, acts of service, and I would argue that ability to provide quality time is greatly diminished which is why I'd say it is halved. You are still able to spend some time together, if time zones and schedules allow. You can certainly send gifts, and provide words of affirmation. So on a case by case basis, this can be a lot easier or a lot harder depending on which kind of love language each partner appreciates. A woman in an LDR with an inmate only receives words of affirmation via letters, scheduled phone calls, and very brief face to face visits and is satisfied and faithful, often until the actual death of the inmate. Nelson Mandela's wife waited for 27 years while he was in prison and divorced just six months after his release (Ouch!), so by his account the LDR was better. If physical touch is a big deal, it's gonna be hard.

Praying for your SO while separated. In addition to being a very good idea to pray for them, the very act is an act of love that doesn't need direct contact or immediate reciprocation. The very act of lifting someone up in prayer is quite intimate and fosters up, from the Holy Spirit, feelings of compassion, mercy, grace, fondness, and empathy. Even praying for your enemy causes this feeling of intimacy for that person that is realized the next time you see them. The distance between two people doesn't lessen the effectiveness of this act of love.

Separation can give clarity leading to reassurance or clarity. God cares who we end up with. In fact, I think He is just as sovereign over this area of our lives as he is over salvation itself. As we look at biblical topics like the seed of Abraham, the lineage of Christ, the line of David, and the birth records in 1 Chronicles, we can at least deduce that He finds it very important. I think the same applies in the lives of all the believers today. As fallen creatures, we get covet, lust, get infatuated, and sometimes make a person an idol (get in their frame?) and it's not what God planned for us. Sometimes, a separation or distance is required to break off those unhealthy relationships. On the other hand, if it's meant to be, longing will increase on each side as well as endurance. As the saying goes "absence makes the heart grow fonder". In western culture, we despise waiting, but delayed gratification can strengthen a relationship and build character in both people.

Red-Curious · 2018-09-04T16:08:25+00:00

I was in an LDR with my wife for over a year while we were dating. I think /u/Deep_Strength (our new mod!) has said he was also in an LDR with his wife for a time. So yes, it's doable.

That doesn't mean it's recommended. You mentioned some good reasons: frame, instability, being used.

My biggest reason for advising against it is that it fosters ONEitis. Both people end up in a scenario where they can only fantasize about what it would be like to be with the other person. That fantasy world creates an emotional attachment to what you think she will be like rather than what she is actually like. That's the real danger.

Having periodic in-person visits actually doesn't help the problem. It makes it worse. These visits are usually highly charged. For one, you usually want to make the most of each visit, so you plan all kinds of fun things to do and don't learn what it's like just to live life alongside one another. Second, it gives a short dose of emotions as a drug - enough to keep you wanting more, but not enough to move past it and see things for how they really are. As a result, the short visits inflame the ONEitis rather than giving an opportunity to move past it. Third, it sets a false precedent for what life would be like with the person, exacerbating the fantasy land problem. Fourth, most people in LDRs are that way because one or the other is in school, which leaves plenty of room for a relatively immature concept of what married life will be like in a post-education working adult life, which changes a lot of things. That's not to say kids in school/college shouldn't date and get to know women or even that they shouldn't marry; it simply means that becoming committed during that time-frame involves a lot more of the "unknown" than they tend to realize, making them commit to a phantom or fantasy rather than a known quantity/context.

Again, LDRs are certainly doable, but the reasons they're unwise aren't just because of the one-sided nature of the relationship (after all, plugged in men enjoy the emotional hoopla of it all almost as much as the women do), but because of the inaccurate representation it gives about the couple's future prospects, leading to a tendency toward unwise decision-making patterns.

rocknrollchuck · 2018-09-04T13:36:10+00:00

This is something I have no experience whatsoever with; however, u/Deep_Strength has said before that his marriage started out as an LDR. You're right, it's different for the Christian to an extent. Part of that is a careful consideration of her character.

RandomTRPan0n · 2018-09-04T15:20:56+00:00

Former military guy here, Had 3 LDRs fail before I knew RP.

Curently in another LDR. Its not going well

Crunchy_Biscuit · 2018-09-05T00:14:09+00:00

My mom and dad were an LDR way before Facebook, FaceTime, heck, probably email too. It can work if the effort is there enough and the faith is there, although it may be easier to stay local. Although as a Christian Catholic like myself, its extremely difficult since there's parameters to be met. I may have to cross out or be more flexible with mine lol.

Title	Long Distance Relationships
Author	squizzo_rad
Upvotes	6
Comments	11
Date	September 4, 2018 11:13 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RPChristians
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RPChristians/comments/9cunm2/long_distance_relationships/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RPChristians/long-distance-relationships.301761 https://theredarchive.com/post/301761

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