[AskRPW] First time poster - Two years single, how do I start dating again?

Irisandoleander · 2016-12-14T14:59:19+00:00

I have no dating tips - because I kinda fell into my relationship with R and we're married and I never really did the dating thing and we're a horrible example of how to meet and date someone lol.

But I will say you must must MUST read this thread on vetting potential men. A Comprehensive Guide To Vetting Men /u/Camille11325 and /u/PhantomDream09 are both mods who have amazing contributions to this sub. They put it together and it's chalk full of information you will want to digest.

PhantomDream09 · 2016-12-14T15:04:24+00:00

Hi there, /u/HardRockB and welcome! It sounds like you have a lot of different things you need to figure out before you start dating.

Improving your personality, self-esteem, awareness, and physical appearance should absolutely be your top priorities for now. Dedicate your energy towards improving your personality, behavior, and physical appearance for the next 4-6 months. At the end of that time, re-evaluate yourself.

You have a history of picking men for the wrong reasons, so learning to recognize good men that you'll be able to have a functional relationship with will take time.

I'm going to link a few threads that you should definitely review. In addition, be sure to read the wiki - there's a lot of great material there. You are new to the sub, and I'm assuming RP concepts in general. It's really important for you to dive in, and try to understand things - then ask questions as they come up.

I will say that it's unlikely you are a 7 if you have skin issues and crooked teeth. Your SMV is also lower due to the fact that you work in a casino. Not that you should change your job - it's just important for you to realize that your personality flaws likely include an inflated sense of your own beauty based on what you have said.

This is a very brief reading list, and they all link to other entries you need to read. You are at the very start of an important journey, and given your age, it's important that you focus on improving yourself for a short, concentrated period of time before jumping into the dating world. Why? Because raising your own personal value and appeal will be essential for you. Right now you don't even know how a good man (that you can trust and depend on) acts. Furthermore, you don't know how to adequately vet for a good man.

I think it's important that you get your head straight. If therapy is something that will help you process and and heal - that's great. Be warned however, many people start therapy, only to continually 'discover' more issues and they actually become less happy/stable over time. I don't know about your situation specifically - but to sum up my thoughts: everyone deals with sh-t in various forms. Understand what you have gone through, evaluate, and process - but don't use it as an excuse for ongoing bad behavior. You're already starting to recognize some of your detrimental patterns. It's going to be essential that you focus on eliminating them.

Welcome again to the sub, I'm sure others will be chiming in to give you some feedback. This is a very open-ended and broad situation, so it's hard to concisely address every aspect in detail. Which is why it's so important that you take the time and make a sincere effort to familiarize yourself with the material that's already available. :0)

CoochQuarantine · 2016-12-14T16:06:19+00:00

Hey! I think you are on the right track here. I think on of the hardest things to do is to realize that you need to fix yourself in order to have a better life. Not have a better life that will fix you. So good on you for reaching out to this sub (and to RBN!).

So it seems like there are several things that I can suggest to start with the caveat that changes take time. Months.. if not years! Even if you are a 7 (or a 10 for that matter) if you have a shitty attitude you are going to have a bad time. So don't get hung up on the aesthetics although taking care of yourself should be a high priority.

Things you can do on the relationship front is read the sidebar, top posts, posts from endorsed contributors, The Surrendered Single, and take what you want and leave the rest.

Also you don't necessarily have to 'fix' your personality while trying to date. As you saw, you can do monk mode but that should AT most be a couple months. You want to use that time to think about what you are looking for, what you have to do in order to achieve it, then set a plan to move forward. You'll never actually be able to work on 'relationship behaviors' if you aren't in a LTR. So practicing deference, you wouldn't want to do that with your friend let say. There are some traits though you can work on outside of the relationship realm and that would be your self esteem. Also working on outcome independence (really helps go a long way when practicing not nagging!!)

Like I said, you've got a long journey ahead of you so I hope this would be good to start out with. If you have any more questions please feel free to ask.

Welcome to the sub :D

BellaScarletta · 2016-12-14T16:33:43+00:00

Hi there, welcome aboard!

I'd like to start with my reading list recommendations -There are definitely some repeats other users have said already! But these are my personal favourites:

First, I think it's important to cultivate the right mindset about yourself and your expectations. For that reason, I would start here and here. The first is a lesson on 'being woman' and the other is on partner selection.
If you think you could stand to improve your SMV (after all, who can't?), here is a great perspective for realizing how much you can influence your appearance.
Once you're ready to actually begin dating, I wrote a guide on Girl Game for the Single RPW - definitely applicable!
The above suggestion is for meeting guys out and about, here is a great suggestion for Meeting Guys Online.
Following that, I also wrote a Guide to First Dates - this one is way more of a list of suggestions of fostering the right mentality, not a list of dos and don'ts (:
After you have a gentleman of interest, I can't say enough good things about Camille's Guide to Vetting, an absolute must!
This is my all-time #1 favourite post and if you stick around (I hope you do!) you'll see it referenced quite a bit. Once you're firmly in a relationship, this post on Relationship Dynamics can be so illuminating and helpful, you have absolutely no idea. A definite read!
This is a fun read! It's a discussion thread with all users giving fun tips on The Lost Art of Seduction.
Here is a cautionary post on common female behaviour in relationship, and their tendency to pull at loose threads.

Okay that's enough! Lots of material there for you. The final link I'll share would be to our sub's Essential Posts, these are mod-selected and essentially 'the best of the best'. Much of what I posted is already on there, but there is plenty more!

I hope you enjoy it here and that you are excited about this reading and not overwhelmed. I remember when I first came here I binge-read every top post, recommended post, everything! Welcome (:

cats_or_get_out · 2016-12-15T00:53:20+00:00

Introspection will help you learn more about yourself, your motivations, and etc. Therapy can be a great tool for helping people deal with cognitive distortions and for developing insight into themselves.

As you move forward, I caution you against the blame trap. It's very easy to vilify others in our lives for our problems, and yes, there are some pretty mean people out there. I think it's a normal first step to acknowledge the situation and feel anger, etc. What can happen, however, is that people get fixated on being victimized (by a narcissist, as in your case).

Keep tabs to make sure that you're moving forward and not going in circles. I would stay away from places like r/raisedbynarcissists because it can sort of feed that frenzy and obsessive ouroboros. It is the job of your therapist to set up a treatment plan, so unless your therapist recommends it, steer clear of those places.

I would also resist the urge to share about your therapy issues with dates. A lot of women seem to think that this opening up about their emotional baggage is a type of intimacy, but in reality, it'll push away healthy men and bring in unhealthy men closer to you. Focus on getting healthy first. When you date, practice setting good boundaries and look for red flags. Vet, vet, vet those men!

Title	[AskRPW] First time poster - Two years single, how do I start dating again?
Author	HardRockB
Upvotes	9
Comments	21
Date	December 14, 2016 2:31 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/5iauxj/askrpw_first_time_poster_two_years_single_how_do/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/askrpw-first-time-poster-two-years-single-how-do-i.209297 https://theredarchive.com/post/209297

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