This...idea was inspired by a brief interaction I had with /u/Littleknownfacts. Thanks for the inspiration!

So I've been married to my husband for 11 years. I'd say a majority of our time together has been pleasant; some fights, some joy, but I've always felt bonded to my husband and that we had a strong foundation. We got married when we were young (me 20, him 21) without any serious regard for what marriage means. It was a lark, a passionate decision, an elopement, and then we went on with our lives. For a long time I never felt like a 'married woman', since that signified a station in life we hadn't reached yet (financial stability, permanent housing, respectability, children, etc).

I guess you could say I floundered and shied away from the title of married woman; I never had eyes for other men or disrespected my husband but I couldn't own the title either. It was associated with too much responsibility that I was in no place to address.

As time went on, as I got older, and as life settled into place (permanent housing, 'adult' jobs, worries about health insurance and taxes, etc) I started to seriously ponder what the word 'wife' meant to me. I was one, but I didn't feel like one.

Troubled by this cognitive dissonance I cast my worries to the internet looking for wisdom and mentors [sidenote: my parents had a lovely traditional marriage, but I didn't look to them for advice because of their disapproval on our elopement. There was pride and a desire to 'prove them wrong' which prevented me from seeking their counsel {side side note: we're good now}].

So I first looked to feminist circles since I always vaguely agreed with feminism ("equal rights for women? sure I agree with that"). But the further I dove into feminist marriage advice (unsurprisingly scant) or relationship advice (incredibly toxic) it dawned on me that all of it was just...wrong. I couldn't pin point why, but everything I read seemed deeply unfair to the man in the relationship. The advice I read stemmed from the idea of carrying the baggage of past oppression. Because women were "chattel" in ye olden thyme's, women today have no allegiance to men despite the legal bonds of marriage (or the emotional bonds of relationships).

That didn't seem right. So because you're great great great grandmother was forced into an arranged marriage at 13, that means you don't have to sleep with your husband? what?

Eventually all these inconsistencies, hypocrisies, and double standards became too much to bear and I dropped feminism like a bad habit.

So now what?

Well, eventually I found my way to RPW and RP beliefs. Finally something that resonates with me. The more I read, the more I codified what a 'wife' is in my mind. But this affirmation threw me into a tail spin; for so long I just coasted in my marriage, treating my husband well but feeling like a girlfriend. Suddenly all those responsibilities I shied away from became realities I had to acknowledge.

Its not good enough to just treat my husband well, I need to follow his lead and honor his masculinity. Thankfully sex was never an issue for us, but I realize I can't just leave our sex life up to whims and feelings. Its a tangible part of the relationship that needs to be nurtured and strengthened. I have a habit of playing devil's advocate which to me seems reasonable, but I realized its more important to support my husband.

When I discovered and digested RPW and RP beliefs, there was a transformation from legally bound girlfriend to legitimate wife, and I'll be damned if I still don't feel like a noob at times.

I can't say I had to do a lot of backtracking and correcting of behavior (I think I subconsciously picked up on good wifery from my tradcon mom) but there was a definite shift in my mentality. For far too long I treated our relationship with a laissez faire attitude, and I'm very thankful that our good nature compatibility (inside and outside the bedroom) held us afloat. But now I realize a good marriage needs curation. Feelz come and go, but cultivating positive feminine energy allows my husband to further open up and expand his masculine frame.

I never spoke to husband of my revelation and transformation, I just wanted him to reap the benefits of my improvement without having to address sticky topics like power, leadership, responsibility, etc. Talking about who does what, why we're doing it, what I expect, etc seems so....analytical and masculine. I just want him to feel comfort/refuge/relief/tenderness/love when he's with me, and not be a corporeal reminder of yet another power struggle. Yes its calculated, but I feel like actively trying to be his soft place to land is a very feminine calculation. Its too easy to get caught up in "I'm an independent woman who don't need no man", its takes effort to be soft in a world that wants you to be hard.

So I'm a zealous noob, trying the best she can despite 11 years of marriage. And now we have a toddler in the mix....woo boy, that's a whole other thing I'm trying to tackle with this new mindset. Its going to be interesting trying to raise a boy in this world with the knowledge I have. I'm confident that my husband will provide an excellent masculine role model, but what of the outside world? I suppose that's a fear all parent's have; how far will our influence extend versus the influence of garbage society. Ahh well, that's a topic for another day.

Hm, not sure where I'm going with all this rambling, maybe just a 'here's my story on becoming an RPWife.' I guess I could ask, does any one relate?