The nagging snowball

LiFemi · 2016-04-15T18:36:29+00:00

To keep myself nag-free, I always remember the quote "Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining."

eliza_schuyler · 2016-04-17T08:53:05+00:00

I have had so much experience with this. You can only clean up someone else's mess so many times before that makes you as grumpy and resentful as nagging does! In our house, we countered this by setting some firm, non-negotiable rules.

For example, we eat dinner early, and clean up after ourselves, so the kitchen is clean by 7pm. So we asked the housemate to make sure the kitchen is clean by 9pm each night (tell them it's to avoid mice or something if need be!). Then we wrote a list of what a clean kitchen involves. Wipe down all benches. Load dishwasher (no knives!). Sweep floor and put rubbish in the bin.

Pretend that you have a five year old in your home, who you are training to do housework from scratch. Be kind, explain that you are getting very busy and need to focus on your daughter rather than cleaning, and you think this would be the best way to sort out the cleaning issues.

In our house, this worked well. We also use texts rather than face-to-face communication frequently, as everyone keeps different hours. This to me feels like reduced nagging, even though it's just nagging in a different form! This might not work for everyone, but there are definitely ways around nagging or cleaning. Good luck!!!

stevierose345 · 2016-04-15T22:16:04+00:00

I love the old sayings being quoted around here! As they say: “he who forgets history is condemned to repeat it.” I thought about this situation while I walked my dog, and I have to say you are in a tight spot. I can understand how important it is to have a clean house when you have a baby in the picture. However, I don’t think nagging is the way to approach this. I am assuming your cousin is college age. He is still not completely an adult, but I am sure he reacts to nagging as many adult males do. It has been my experience that the more you nag a man to do something, the more he will go out of his way to avoid it. Sometimes it can lead to passive aggressive behavior on his part: “Alright I’ll fucking do it, but I am not going to give it my best effort!” This ends up being a lose, lose situation. It sounds like his mom never made him clean up after himself and chances are good he never learned the proper way to go about it. I am thinking that maybe a solution would be trading labor. If I am going to clean up the kitchen after you are done making a meal, then you are going to cook enough for all of us (of course you will have give him your supply of the meat, vegetables, and so forth to make enough for three instead of one if money is tight for him). If his schedule makes this impossible, then give him other tasks he can accomplish that you really need done, and you will both benefit. Better yet, ask your SO to give him some things he can do to help out that take the weight off of his shoulders. Chances are that these expectations will give your cousin some satisfaction, knowing he has contributed something worthwhile. I guess what I am saying is you could use this situation to help a young man grow up and become more responsible. I am in no way suggesting that you be his mother. Instead I am pointing out that you are not unreasonable in putting new stipulations on him as his landlord. The biggest, most important piece of advice that I can give is: Do not continue to complain to your husband. This will only put strain on your marriage.

CoochQuarantine · 2016-04-15T18:46:19+00:00

His mother often still feels she has to call him on his phone to make sure he wakes up in time to attend his classes

This is your problem. You are assuming her role now.

I would say, tell your SO what the problem is and ask for him for his opinion. Then do that.

edit: However from a roommate perspective, anything that is in common areas is common usage. You can't really police him. If he is paying bills he has a right to live there as he sees fit. Regardless if that means being slovenly or whatever. Now how to cope with that is entirely in your control.

TempestTcup · 2016-04-15T19:55:44+00:00

Frankly, I would go the route of least resistance and just clean up after him. It would be quicker, more positive, and will make you happier in the long run. You obviously care more about your knives and counter tops than he does, so please yourself by taking care of it.

There's an old saying that goes: Never teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig :)

mylifeisavacation · 2016-04-16T12:32:03+00:00

Have you sat him down and told him directly the standards you need to maintain in your kitchen? Like a non-reactionary, hey you're a tenant in our home, this is what we expect from you. In my experience, addressing the problem in an isolated conversation as opposed to following the problem incident is a lot more productive and allows both parties to put emotions aside and work through the issues logically. There is great advice here about creating cleaning systems -- just bring whatever system you go with up to him without emotion and give him a chance to work on it before escalating to more serious consequences if it truly is a deal breaker for you .

Title	The nagging snowball
Author	ApronString
Upvotes	12
Comments	16
Date	April 15, 2016 6:17 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWives
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWives/comments/4ey15x/the_nagging_snowball/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWives/the-nagging-snowball.210116 https://theredarchive.com/post/210116

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