In summary: I need help talking to my boyfriend about needing more quality time and affection and coping with loneliness when he's not able to give that to me. I also need help figuring out whether I'm being irrationally needy or not.

I'm trying to keep this as brief as I can, so if anyone needs to ask more questions to get the full story, I'm happy to answer. Please forgive me if this is a bit disorganized. There's a lot and I was having trouble keeping everything straight while writing it, but I did the best I could.

This account is a throwaway. I just don't want my boyfriend to stumble upon this post somehow before I can talk to him myself.

  • How old are you and how familiar are you with RPW?

I'm 20, been lurking for about three months now.

  • What is your relationship status?

I've been with my boyfriend, M for a little over a year now. We moved in together pretty much right at the year mark. Living together 3 months.

  • What is the problem? (Don’t badmouth your SO!)

I feel like I never get any love/romance and it's leaving me feeling a little empty, but I also know that he works hard and he's stressed all the time and needs me to be supportive even if he's not able to be very loving sometimes.

Before I go into this, I just want to say that M is an incredible person and I love him for everything that he is. He's confident, hardworking, understanding, strong, and very alpha. He's so gentle and kind but he's firm in his beliefs and doesn't let anybody walk on him. He can be silly and sweet and he's very extroverted. He makes connections with everyone without judgement while staying true to who he is. On top of that he's the most talented person I've ever met and he's got a mind for music and art. I could go on forever.

I also think it's important to mention that my primary love languages are touch and quality time.

That being said. He works full time with weird hours, acts in plays on the side, and plays in a band. He got a new job soon after we moved in and it can be really demanding. He's making a lot more money now, but I can tell he doesn't like it and it's really hard for him. He enjoyed his old job and it gave him a lot more free time, so we were able to actually do things together. If he could, he'd be a full time musician or actor. That's where his heart is, but it's just not possible right now. His band practices take up around 6-10 hrs every week, which in a way is good because it give him plenty of time to focus on something he loves. I work full time as well but my hours are set every week at 9:30-6 Monday thru Friday. We almost never have any time off together, and every time we do he needs to spend it with his family or go to band practice or just have some time with his friends. And I want that for him, it makes him happy. We live together and we're able to spend time with each other every night, but most nights out of the week he's getting home somewhere between 9 and 11 at night and he needs some cool down time to himself after a long day. And even after that, it's hard to ask for any kind of affection. I'm afraid to ask to cuddle because I don't want to bother him after he's been working so hard. He's usually got back or knee pain at the end of the day due to a prior injury and he can't be touched when he's in pain. Plus sometimes he's just so stressed out that he can't handle touch. And I'm really sick of watching tv being the only thing we get to do together.

I'm trying so hard to be supportive. I take care of his dinner and the grocery shopping and most of the housework even though he doesn't want me to do it all myself, I keep myself in good shape, his coffee is made for him every morning and his tea is made every night. I tell him I'm proud of him and I love him all the time. I've never complained about band practice or when he needs to spend time with the guys because I know he needs all that to be healthy and happy.

But I can't help feeling neglected. I want alone time with him where we do something other than watch reruns of whatever tv show on our respective sides of the bed. I want to go on hikes or go to the movies like we did before his new job. I want him to be more interested in showing me physical affection. If I ask to cuddle, a lot of the time he can't because his back is hurting or he's stressed and needs space. Aside from that, I wish he had time to go with me to engagements with my family. I'm sick of everyone asking where he is all the time. He really tries to be there, but he just can't most of the time.

I also feel like I do so much for him. I work full time to help support us, I take care of our home, I buy all the groceries, etc. But I get little in return. He's told me time and time again that I don't need to do all that, but if I don't he gets stressed out and ends up in a bad mood and there's not really any chance for quality time with him. I know I shouldn't expect anything for doing my job as his SO, but it can be draining when I'm not feeling loved.

My biggest issue is that I'm afraid to talk to him about any of this because I don't want to make him feel guilty for spending time working on music or acting when he loves it so much. And I especially don't want him to think that I don't want him spending time with his friends or family. I don't want to ask for anything but the more I hold this in, the more I can feel myself beginning to resent him and I don't want that.

  • How have you contributed to the problem?

I think I might be being too needy. Aside from that, I've been a little pouty lately. I've been less happy and it shows and I can tell he picks up on it and feels guilty.

Also in a weird way, I think that me trying to be so accommodating is making him feel guilty. This part is difficult to explain, but basically when he comes home and everything is done and his dinner is made but still has to refuse time with me so he can cope with stress and process the day, he feels bad about it. I'm so torn because I want that feeling of being appreciated so I get annoyed but I also don't want him to stress himself out more trying to keep me happy.

  • How long has this been an issue?

About three months. Right after he got this new job.

  • What have you done to resolve this problem?

I've told him that I'm frustrated that we don't get to do anything together. We had a talk about a week ago. I think I did a good job of stressing that I wasn't angry with him and I wanted to support him but I was disappointed that we couldn't go anywhere or do anything together. I also told him that I needed to feel appreciated. There were some happy tears after that breakthrough from both of us, but things just kinda settled back into where they were before.

If married or in a committed, monogamous relationship:

  • How long have you been together?

A little over a year. 15 months I think.

  • Is your relationship long-distance?

Nope

  • Do you have an active bedroom life?

Yes. Sex 3-4 times a week. I almost always initiate and I'd like him to sometimes, but it's not a huge issue.

Thank you for any help or advice from the bottom of my heart. And please forgive me if this is not the place to ask for this, but I would also really appreciate if you would keep me in your prayers.

Have a wonderful day, thank you so much!

Edit: I can't grammar