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[–]StingrayVC4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I deal with it myself. I've learned the hard way about this. You're strong enough to deal with this just the two of you.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Hi /u/vanBeethovenLudwig, as /u/HappyWifeLifeX stated - you seem to have something specific on your mind that you want feedback on. While the general conversation is fine - I strongly encourage you to be upfront and create a specific advice thread. Everyone can tell you what they do about these things, but no one can possibly know if any of it is applicable or even helpful to your specific situation.
As for myself, if something is on my mind - I go to Occam. End of story. No one outside my relationship has any influence or standing. Occam is always my first (and often my last) stop when I am stressed out by work or worried about something. He knows me better than anyone else. We're honest with each other. If I'm worried, he can ease that worry.
[–]bunniebell1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I confide in one person closest to me that I trust. If it's something too delicate to share, I wait to discuss it with my husband when he's relaxed from work & chores
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (16 children) | Copy Link
I need way more info here VBL.... it might help to use the questions from the side bar or at least give us a general understanding of the issue. We're all kind of anonymous here. Or if you're uncomfortable with that you can pop into the IRC chat today and talk to the ECs who hang out in there
[–]vanBeethovenLudwig points points points 9 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I think I'm just wondering in general...it's just difficult because sometimes when you catch up with friends and they want to know what's going on in your life but you feel like you can't say anything about your life for privacy.
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
Here's something to keep in mind: you are responsible for the public image you create for both your relationship and your SO. You may not think it's a big deal, and actually a help to confide in a friend....but they only hear those words of stress, concern, and unhappiness. You will still see him daily, laugh and have good times...your friends however will be stuck in time with only that negativity. IF you move on, or things improve, that will not apply to your friends and how they perceive him. When you tell them things are better, they will not feel that it's a genuine disclosure, and they will forever be wary of him.
It's impossible to fully correct the damage that complaining does. I have friends that have told me things, situations that brought them to the brink of divorce. When they decided not to split, I didn't trust the decisions, and I felt a lot of anger towards their spouses. I wanted to first and foremost protect my friends. I promised them both that I would respect their decisions, and I would not hold anything against their men. I have kept my word, and for years I have been friendly and polite when I visit them...but it is an act. If the time comes I will help both of them pack when they want to leave, and I will never be able to feel relaxed, or comfortable around their men.
Venting to me helped them, there's no doubt about that. But the price they paid for it is too high in my opinion. I can never consider them a happy couple, I will never see their men as respectable. I will never forget their tears and anger and despair.
Even if your situation is less dire than that, the damage you cause should not be brushed off and ignored. Bottom line: if you can't say something nice - don't say anything at all. "We're both just stressed from work, and worn down these days. We haven't had much time to relax, but things will ease up in a few months hopefully!"
[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total4 points5 points6 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I can't agree with this enough!! I used to complain to my mother about problems when I was young (and I do mean young, like 16-19), and it took a long while for her to come round on some aspects of my husband's personality. Now, I only talk to her about my own feelings and I keep my husband out of any conversations (unless it's positive obviously). That way I can cry and receive comfort but it doesn't involve my husband or my mom's perception of him. This has in turn improved my mom's relationship with my husband, since she's only heard good things for the last 6 years.
Very rarely I will tell my mother (and only my mother, no friends) when something is happening to my husband that is out of his control, like he is frustrated at work, or he's been sick for a longer period than normal, or he's been feeling down and I can't figure out how to help him. Sometimes she can give me some advice in this area that I couldn't come up with on my own. But no one would think worse of a person for having an extended cold. Going on about any relationship turmoil will, and people always remember the bad more than the good unfortunately.
[–]APatriotsWomyn-2 points-1 points0 points 9 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
After I caught my Husband venting about trivial things to his SIL I do not consider him worth protecting in this regard.
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 85 points6 points7 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
That's depressing. Why be married to someone you don't consider worthy of respect (from you and from other people)?
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Gee, I'm sure that disloyal, tit-for-tat bullshit has really helped you create a healthy and fulfilling marriage. I'm sure it won't dissolve into a dead bedroom, bitterness, or divorce.
[–]APatriotsWomyn0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Shit talking your wife is a sure way to loose respect. I never talked bad about him to anyone before. I do not do it now. Why is it ok for a man to shit talk and vent to his friends but if a woman does it she destroys a marriage?
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
It's not okay for anyone - but you have control over your OWN actions - you don't have control over him.
[–]tintedlipbalm5 points6 points7 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I think it's that user that keeps coming back with different accounts to complain
i thought the same
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
As /u/Irisandoleander, and the sidebar says "you can only control yourself." Holding a grudge certainly won't help things improve.
Instead of bitching about what he's doing - you should ask yourself what you did to make him start bitching.
and eye for an eye --- what a shitty way to view marriage.
People don't need to know everything going on in your life. Like phantom said - you provide the image of your life by what you make public.
I'm with happywife - I don't say anything to friends I couldn't say to Husband.
Last night I reached out to a trusted friend to cry and get my thoughts straight and then I took my concerns to Husband. I am 33wk pregnant and hormonal. Yes, trusted friend, but also the conversation was about me, NOT husband's shortfalls. And it allowed me to get through the emotion find the rational and then go to Husband and say I'm sad because of X and Y would make me feel better. Can you help? And he loves me, so he helped. 😊
IMO, venting sessions with the girls is one of the worst things you can make a practice of. It has a tendency to take on an energy of it's own and become a harmful habit.
I don't say anything to anyone that I wouldn't say directly to my husband but that's after learning the hard way by venting and disrespecting his autonomy and privacy.
[–]APatriotsWomyn1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
I think yes, if there is a genuine need for support then others whom you both! trust need to be brought in. Preferably more distant family members.
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 82 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
I've heard it suggested that his mother (if they have a good relationship & she's trustworthy) is a good one to vent to, because it won't color her opinion of him.
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I will disagree emphatically here. Never vent about your husband to his family.
They will not like to have to choose you over him, they will feel defensive at you, you will cause feelings of suspicion against yourself - not him.
If you want to speak to his mother about his issues, you're going to have to frame it as "what do I do to improve myself in this recurring situation so that I can be a better wife?"
I say this from personal experience. Your husband's mother should never have to hear complaints about her son.
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 81 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
All fair criticisms. It's just something I've heard said - if you don't have access to a therapist, but you really need to vent, his mother is a much better choice than anyone from your family or your friendship group. This is, of course, assuming that MIL is a sane & balanced person. And I'm also assuming that 'venting' is less 'my SO is a horrible person' and more 'this particular thing is driving me MAD and I need to vent', which shouldn't really cause any 'suspicion'. But fair points all! What would you suggest instead?
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
It would be better to vent anonymously and receive feedback than to bring those feelings of dissatisfaction to anyone in his family. There are shades of grey in everything and I don't know everyone but I do know what happened when I made this very mistake.
If you take it to your family, they will harbor negative feelings towards him. If you do this with his family, they will harbor negative feelings against you. Neither is necessary if you wipe the need to vent from your own character.
Venting is cathartic and offers instant relief, but it doesn't change anything and may possibly make your situation worse or even damaged beyond repair.
Hope that makes sense.
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 81 point2 points3 points 9 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It does, thanks. I think I've mostly resolved that one in my own life, but I very occasionally (maybe once every 6-12 months) have a really bad time & do want to talk to someone. I have one friend that I trust to listen without judging, and she's never given any indication of being untrustworthy at all (over 15 solid years of friendship), nor of letting it influence her opinion of him, but I avoid venting to anyone else.
Sample size 1:
My mother in law would have cut me if I had said bad things about her boy to her. She ALWAYS defended her son over any girl in his life.
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 9 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
Really? This is horrible advice. I agree with /u/HappyWifeLifeX. This is just a bad idea from start to finish.
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 82 points3 points4 points 9 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
Any alternatives, or just bolded criticism? {Edit: sorry, this was unnecessarily snarky. I'd delete, but I don't like to do that as it is hiding whatever was said. My apologies, PhantomDream.}
No harm no foul! :0)
What just about everyone else has been saying in this thread: STFU. Journal, talk to him, get over yourself etc.
Edit: Cut the snark.
So you're saying that you are both too immature and too clueless to figure out problems with your husband directly? You need a 'ref'?
If you are going to continue submitting bullshit comments like this, please stick to /u/redpillwomen.
You are already not concerned with his privacy - hence you feeling this out. Use the format to describe the issue and try it as if he might happen upon it and read your words. Talking about problems with respect to the other person is key. Also, whining to feel better in the moment doesn't fix anything.
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[–]StingrayVC4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]bunniebell1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (16 children) | Copy Link
[–]vanBeethovenLudwig points points points [recovered] | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 4 points5 points6 points (11 children) | Copy Link
[–]littlegoosegirlMid 20s, Married 1 year! 9 years total4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]APatriotsWomyn-2 points-1 points0 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 85 points6 points7 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–]APatriotsWomyn0 points1 point2 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]tintedlipbalm5 points6 points7 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]APatriotsWomyn1 point2 points3 points (11 children) | Copy Link
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 82 points3 points4 points (9 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 81 point2 points3 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 81 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]teaandtalk29, married 6 years, together 82 points3 points4 points (2 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link