I (22/F) am fond of interacting with this guy (23/M), because, he is better than me in most aspects: smarter, works harder, better physique, has a job, and has his life together (even though he doesn’t necessarily see it that way because our standards are different), and better-looking. However, he isn’t a Christian. That should be the most important part, but unfortunately, I hold on to the other parts of him that are desirable to me. Why? Because I see myself submitting to an ambitious guy like him, and I would break my rules for him, and he has an idea of what he wants because he knows which field he is good at (mathematics/physics, anything about service and people) — and that’s infinitely better than boys my age (in my area, and who I’ve been exposed to) who are just cruising through life, and I find his drive very attractive and it makes me want to do better (I’m a 2nd yr med student), and take care of myself more.

What are the issues?

  1. He is a Liberal/Democrat/Left-leaning (I’m Conservative/Republican/Right-leaning), he is definitely more emphatic than I am. But again, I hold on to the good parts of him, instead of focusing on the important part — He is isn’t a Christian (he has a universalist view).

It makes me ask, why am I still interacting with him romantically? There could be possible reasons;

  1. I’m tired of waiting, I’m impatient (I also feel like I won’t meet someone like him while I am still this young)
  2. I seem to have taken matters into my own hands, instead of submitting everything to God because I’m afraid that God’s plan doesn’t involve me getting married or starting a family
  3. I have a very risk for breast cancer, and since my mom died at age 40, in my worldly mind, I could have only 15 years left of my life (this stems from being unaccepting of God’s sovereignty)
  4. I *think* have feelings for him (if this possibility didn’t exist, ending this arrangement would’ve been very easy, but I’m afraid to confront myself with it, because leaving him would hurt like a bitch).

What problems am I seeing in our arrangement?

  1. He is very busy (but he replies and video chats me when he can, and I don’t disturb him when at work because he isn’t paid to reply to me, however it is a tad difficult to not be needy but nothing I can’t handle)
  2. I don’t know him at all - he claims to have no social media (no facebook, no instagram), so we only talk and video chat on discord (so I don’t know if he has a child, a wife/gf, or anything at all — he said he’s doesn’t have any of that, but it would be naive of me to just believe)
  3. We’ve not established if we are exclusive (although, on my end, I don’t talk to other guys unless they’re my friends or classmates because I don’t see the need to, however, he said he usually keep to himself and isn’t seeing anyone, but again it would be naive of me to just believe)