Asking Ex for Feedback

FearDearg2015 · 2015-11-11T13:42:55+00:00

If you ask him to comment on your weaknesses, you should know that what you'll get is a list of what he perceived to be your weaknesses. Note that this doesn't mean they are a list of your weaknesses. All such a list would be is a list of his opinions about you.

focus on being the best version of myself

The best version of yourself is the truest version, and ONLY YOU can decide what that truth is. Don't defer such an important decision onto someone else, let alone someone who is no longer an important person in your life. Learn how to validate yourself. Learn to stop seeking out, or even paying attention to others opinion of you. Maybe they are the ones who've got it all wrong. Why would you want to pay so much attention to such an unreliable source of information?

TheTerrorSquad · 2015-11-11T15:23:24+00:00

I can't think of anything more neurotic and weird than asking an ex for feedback.

closetrpw · 2015-11-11T15:03:46+00:00

Unfortunately, I think most guys are not nice enough to be completely honest with you- nor do I think they have the analytical willpower to really figure out what it was that made them want to end it.

Looking at my past relationships and also at my friends, I would honestly say that any relationship that was 6 months or less and ended by the guy were due to a lack of genuine interest- whether that was because all he wanted was sex, he was never really that into her but wanted a girlfriend for appearances/her social circle, or he didn't know he wasn't that into her until he met a girl he really liked better.

Any LTR (6+ months) ended by the guy, looking at my friends' and my own past experiences, were not necessarily a lack of love on the guys' part but some sort of behavior by the gf or some other external force- the girl was stressful to please and demanded more time than he was ready to give, or she cheated/did something that disrespected him, or he had to move away for a job and she couldn't go with him. I've maybe seen one case of an LTR ended by the guy where the reason was that he fell out of love- and even then they got back together and broke up for like a year after because I don't think he had necessarily fallen out of love, he was just really unhappy and felt that he wasn't gaining anything or learning anything new in the relationship (it was a high school/college thing).

I think that it will always be hard for girls to understand the reasoning behind guys' breakups because we place way more value on our emotions and they place way more value on logic. A girl is way more likely to say "I don't understand, we had such a great connection" because to a girl, you figure that as long as you love each other, everything will work out barring major deal breakers like cheating. Guys, however, are more likely to give weight to practicality and logic- for example, they will be hesitant to commit to even the perfect woman if they feel she will distract him from career oriented goals or other goals. They are also way more quick to cut you if they feel they've been disrespected or treated badly. On the other hand, this is why guys often say "I don't understand, I gave her everything and we fit together perfectly" because to a guy, love is more of a "given" and less "fickle" (for lack of a better word) than a girls' love and so they will focus on practical things. A girl's breakup will therefore not be due to practical reasons but because either: 1. She has lost "the tingles"/loving feeling (too beta); or, 2. Feels that her man doesn't love her back/that she is just being used for sex/feels that she is not a priority/feels that he is not committed (too alpha). If a girl loves the guy and is also assured he loves her back, then to her that should be enough to work through most things. For a guy, this is not the case. Unfortunately, I think this is also why it's harder for guys to get over a breakup, even if they initiate when they truly loved the girl to begin with)- they usually still love the girl to some extent, and broke up for other reasons.

So, how do you improve and keep an LTR? You read RPW. You add practical value to a man's life. You show him that you will not get in the way of his other goals, and be 100% supportive. You cannot bring him down. You can't stress him out. You show him that you can fit into his life. You can't demand too much time and energy. Of course, you need to be true to your needs, as well. You can't bend over backwards for someone who doesn't give you the time of day. You find a good man, and then show him that you want to help him succeed and not distract him.

blondie_brownie · 2015-11-11T16:32:36+00:00

I don't think it's a very good idea, to be honest. I don't think he's going to be honest with you and I don't think you should reopen contact. I think it's much more effective to be introspective and look for non-verbal/visceral cues from guys you are dating now. For example, when my now-husband and I started dating, I would notice that he would subconsciously pull away or break physical contact if I did something he didn't like (usually, when I was being bratty). It wasn't an active "punishment" for my behavior, just something he did naturally. So, I learned to look for that and improved my behavior based on that.

TempestTcup · 2015-11-11T14:26:10+00:00

I wouldn't. For one thing you are dredging up the past, and he will get the idea that you still have feelings for him. Leave the past in the past, and move forward with your life. Be the best person you can be for your next boyfriend, not the best one for your ex-BF.

Namshubophile · 2015-11-11T16:37:31+00:00

It is commendable to want to improve yourself! I strongly believe that deep down, you know exactly what you feel you should improve. Ask your "gut" what those things are (or ask God, if that's how you prefer to seek truth). Start with those things. Ignore anything that makes you feel confused or conflicted about changing for now. Once you successfully focus on and improve what you KNOW in your heart, head and gut could change for the better, the things that you're confused about today will then become clearer.

"Be yourself" is actually wonderful feedback. Making yourself your own dominion without NEEDING to defer to someone else's validation, approval, or direction is incredibly attractive and one of the pillars of self actualization. "Be yourself" doesn't mean "don't change a thing," but to own the heck out of yourself. To me, improving yourself while continuing to be yourself means basing your self improvement projects on what your own heart/head/gut/God tell you to change, and you just know it's the truth.

littleteafox · 2015-11-11T16:11:31+00:00

I don't really see much value in it. An Ex is part of your past, and you aren't the same person as you were back then. You aren't the same person as you were with your ex. Your dynamic would have been unique. He would have been a different person, too. If you really want some feedback, perhaps asking some close friends who have known you for a long time?

rpvelvetcupcake · 2015-11-11T14:17:28+00:00

No contact with exes. Always.

rpvelvetcupcake · 2015-11-11T16:59:05+00:00

I think my problem with asking someone else what they think you did wrong is that ultimately a change would have to come from you because you want to change and not because someone saw it as a flaw. Introspection would be better for something like this rather than an outside opinion.

[deleted] · 2015-11-11T19:07:07+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Asking Ex for Feedback
Author	rpvelvetcupcake
Upvotes	9
Comments	34
Date	November 11, 2015 12:58 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3seftv/asking_ex_for_feedback/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/asking-ex-for-feedback.85751 https://theredarchive.com/post/85751

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