Being the sick one

m0llywobbles · 2015-02-14T02:02:32+00:00

You do what you can, withing your capabilities. You find ways to love him, you minimize your hamster as much as possible, you stay aware of the way your disease affects his life as well as yours. You give him opportunities to take breaks from taking care of you when possible and necessary. You take care of your physical features as much as possible. You take care of domestic things when it's possible and appropriate.

Bakerofpie · 2015-02-16T19:58:08+00:00

Story of my life right here. A few things that have helped me/us that I had to learn the hard way:

be really clear about what's going on instead of trying to tough through or hope he doesn't notice. "Honey, I'm finishing the dishes but I'm really not feeling well at all and think I'm going to be out of commission the rest of the day after doing this." Or if you wake up not feeling well, just let him know where you're at physically so he kind of has an idea what to expect.
stay flexible/have plenty of backup plans. If you planned to make him dinner tonight but you end up feeling like you are unable to, don't let it ruin your night. Be prepared to order takeout and instead put on some nice clothes if you've got the energy for that. Decide to do something nice for him every day, and anticipate that every day what you want to do may not be possible and don't beat yourself up (which effectively takes it out on him) if you need to downgrade him coming home to a spotless house to him coming home to just a clean living room.
don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it, including asking for ideas. Sometimes I have trouble standing for more than a few minutes without collapsing, so I asked Husband for one of those really tall, wheely doctor chairs. That way I can still work in the kitchen a bit even if I can't stand. I am often unable to carry laundry baskets up and down from our laundry area. If he's going to be gone for the day I'll ask him to bring all the laundry to the basement for me before he goes so that I can work on it while he's gone. Depending on the circumstance if he's asked something of me or I had planned to do something but start feeling unwell I will ask for suggestions, e.g. "I really wanted to do x,y,z for you today but I'm not physically feeling up to it because I'm dealing with [insert symptom here]. Can you think of a way to get around that issue and get it done, or is there a higher priority part of that list I can do today and get the rest done when I feel up to it?"
sex is one I'm still struggling with a bit, because I used to be a never say no to anything in the bedroom kind of person. I don't like that I can't always give him whatever he's craving sexually right when he wants it. That was something I prided myself on. Now I just do my best. And since he never knows for sure my pain and symptom levels I make sure to go for it when I'm feeling well. I don't make him guess. I'm also starting to try to compensate more in other ways, like dressing up. He loves me in sexy lingerie, enough that he doesn't really require any crazy kinky stuff when I'm wearing it. Sex game isn't as consistent, but I keep it strong by indulging whatever fantasy I'm able to, and initiating activities I know I am able and want to do so he doesn't have to do any guess work.

Kittenkajira · 2015-02-17T19:49:21+00:00

I have narcolepsy. My SO met me after I'd already been pretty stable on medication for a couple of years, but it does still affect me on a daily basis. I found the best way to be a better girlfriend is to involve him in my care. One of the hardest parts of living with someone with chronic illness is feeling helpless to help. I see many wives in support groups saying things like "he just doesn't understand", or "he tried to help, but I already tried that". I try and give him ways to help, so that he feels that he's contributed to my well-being.

Sometimes if I'm feeling exhausted and have a lot to do, I'll ask him for advice. Like, "I have X, Y, and Z to do, but only enough energy for one or two of them. What do you think?" Sometimes he'll tell me to take it one step at a time, and that I can do all three. Sometimes he'll pick which ones for me to do. He might even offer to do one of the three. It's like how men like when you ask them to open the stuck lid on a bottle (well, mine does anyway). They want to help.

I also encourage him to go to all my appointments with me, and I look to him for advice even at the doctor's office. My doctor was talking of a treatment that might help me feel better, but is kind of a pain to do. He said it's not necessary since I'm doing pretty good, but that sometimes you don't realize you could be feeling better until you are. I looked to my SO to see what he thought, and he told the doctor no. I do good as is, so he didn't want to stir things up. So, I take his advice with regards to my health. Yes, I know oodles more about narcolepsy than he does. But it really doesn't hurt me to try something that the SO thinks might make things better, even if I've already tried it.

IrisBlue7 · 2015-02-27T05:46:08+00:00

This post is very relevant to my life right now. I'm suffering with a few chronic diseases and in the process of finding a diagnosis for a few more issues. I've found that the best thing to do is just be honest with him about how you are feeling at all times. If you are just exhausted or in pain or nauseated don't try to hide it and pretend it isnt there when he asks. I think it's more frustrating when he can obviously tell something's wrong but you keep saying your fine. Keeping him up to date with your status helps him know what to expect or not expect that day. Some days are a homemade 4 course dinner night. Some days are a Jimmy John's sub delivered to the front door. Do what you can within your abilities. And don't be afraid to ask for help when something is too overwhelming. But communicate it in a way that lets him know that if you were 100% (or even 50% in some cases!) you could handle it. For example "I really was planning on washing the bed linens today while you were at work, but I'm having a hard time taking laundry down the stairs. Would you be able to help and carry the basket quick? I'd love to have clean sheets for you tonight." That's a lot different than "I can't carry the basket. You need to take it down stairs."

And we are always willing to swap chores or responsibilities if something might be easier for me that day. Like, drying dishes is easier for me than hand washing some times. So he will wash and I will dry.

And even on my worst days I make an attempt to appear presentable. Yoga pants are my saving grace and my man goes nuts for them. Bonus is that they are comfy and the waistband is comfy for bloaty problem days. I add a cute shirt (or one of his flannels that is oversized on me.... He loves that) and accessorize. Adding earrings and a watch or necklace takes no work but makes you look like you tried.

Sex is an area I am very much so struggling with. I have no desire and am physically/mentally exhausted most days. I love sex with him, but I can never get in the mood and it is terribly hard for me to attempt anything. I will take any advice available about this topic.

Mostly it boils down to communication and letting him know that everytime he does something for you, you are amazed and appreciative. You don't alwyas have to come up with thing to do for him to prove it. Saying it to him often can often be enough also. Don't stress yourself out more about proving to him you appreciate him. He probably actually already knows.

Title	Being the sick one
Author	i_have_a_semicolon
Upvotes	14
Comments	11
Date	February 14, 2015 1:45 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2vty1m/being_the_sick_one/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/being-the-sick-one.85196 https://theredarchive.com/post/85196

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