Being submissive to your good man's direction (when you trust him, & when he is offering the level of commitment you want) is, of course, logical & feels amazing. "STFU" can be good advice when you are tempted to talk to your man like a girl-friend or a therapist. “Being pleasant” is also, obviously, great advice.

HOWEVER, there are some awesome exceptions:

  • If you really want something, because it will make you feel juicy & extra-happy, but it requires a gift from your man (birthday flowers, concert tickets, making dinner an extra night of the week so you can take a dance class), you have to tell him - & express how good you will feel to have this happen. Then THANK HIM when he follows through.

  • If there is a task that your man has taken on in your relationship that you honestly, to your core, feel like you can do better on your own & would relieve stress from him if you take it on - make an offer. Tell him, "Baby, I can do this. I don't want you to feel stress about this, & I can handle it... I will do it by [X day]. Can I take this task off your plate?”

  • If you are feeling consistently bad about something, you need to be expressive about your feelings, without being blame-y (not "I feel terrible when you..." which is an accusation, but "I feel so tight & on-alert around this conversation... what do you think?" which is an invitation to his BRAIN to solve the issue).

  • If you are in a "bad mood," don't feel obligated to mask your emotions with "pleasantness." This is NOT an excuse to be rude to your spouse!!! It is simply acknowledging that, in a long-term relationship, you will have hard days/weeks/years that feel difficult. In fact, it is manipulative to pretend like you are feeling good when you are not. Clarify that this is NOT a problem you want him to solve, that it is just "weather" passing over your island. Express that you take responsibility for your emotions, & that you will ask for help if you need it.

A big part of this is... men want a chase & a "win." But how good is a win if the "competition” was weak to begin with? You are a strong goddess. This is not an empty "I don't need a man!!" but it is "I don't need a man to be a complete, full, beautiful, powerful space-creator." You are responsible for your own emotional/mental/physical health -- & it feels SO GOOD.