Changing Him - Does it ever work?

teaandtalk · 2019-04-07T21:27:20+00:00

This is one of those cases where it is possible to influence him to take care of his appearance better - we're talking about a habit, not a core aspect of his personality in most cases. (I'm not saying you can take a slob and turn him into a model, but absolutely incremental improvements can be made).

How have you tried to communicate your preferences to him?

ObedientLittleWife · 2019-04-07T22:30:58+00:00

Making this a serious issue with a 'talk' is probably going to backfire. I like cookie training, everytime he wears something you like you're gonna bombard him with compliments. Same thing with when he does something active or sporty, tell him you think he is so sexy when he is being active. Positive reinforcement is the way to go!

HB3234 · 2019-04-08T18:17:04+00:00

Attraction is a vital cornerstone. Here, you have two issues that can't be treated at all the same, though.

I think you can approach the fashion one easily: on the next gift giving occasion, in addition to the gift for him, throw in a nice button up or the kind of shirt you like him in. Or, next time you shop for yourself, bring him the shirt and his favorite snack as a "just because" gift and say you were thinking if him while out last weekend. Mention that you so liked it when he wore shirt XYZ, you wanted him to have another one like it. (Note: dont do this if he doesn't like the type of clothes you want him in, that will read as incredibly passive aggressive! This only works if he already likes his blue button up, couldn't be assed to actively shop for a green one but would gladly wear it if it showed up.)

If your praise is specific (I love how the fitted sleeves make your arms look/ these shirts really show off your handsome broad shoulders), don't be surprised if he runs out and buys ten more of the same shirt!

When it comes to body, though, I think expressing dissatisfaction could be very dangerous. Muscles fall under that corner od masculine pride where criticism isn't felt as a criticism of the issue at hand. It would feel more like you looked at his entire being and soul, and found it lacking. Realistically all men know their wives would love it if they were woke up looking like star athletes, as all women know their husbands would love it if they turned into lingerie models tomorrow. The reality is, exercise is something most people have loose commitments to, even as they know the huge dividends it pays in attractiveness. When you are young and busy getting your career off the ground, it can be hit or miss for people who aren't passionate about it.

So seriously consider if this physique, as is, is acceptable to you. If he never got fitter, would it be a deal breaker? Is he healthy at present? 1 year is a decent chunk of time but you're still vetting. If he isn't excited about lifting now, I can almost guarantee he won't be when you're both honorary insomniacs courtesy for your first baby. Or when he is busting his ass for his PhD or a big promotion. Etc.

Theflowerswillbloom · 2019-04-07T22:25:59+00:00

When I met my husband, he wore football (soccer) shirts, and ill fitting jeans. Over time, I just began buying him clothes that I liked. He had told me that he wanted to mature his style but wasn't sure how, so was happy for me to help. I would tell him how handsome/sexy he looked, and he started getting more complements from others, too. So those were the clothes that he ended up wearing all the time. While he still doesn't care about style, he knows he looks good and loves that I find him sexy.

My husband has always had an interest and pursued fitness though, so I have no experience there I'm afraid.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2019-04-08T00:24:12+00:00

I do think people can change, but it almost always has to be self-motivated. My husband was obese when we got married and has since dropped 60 lbs on the Keto diet. It only happened with some trial and error, but during our courtship, he repeatedly wanted to work on his weight. It took feeling a lot of unconditional love and acceptance as well as some conditional support for him to get better. As it turned out, he had severe sleep apnea and the chronic sleep deprivation was sabotaging his diet attempts. I had to put a boundary down on the sleep stuff because of how it impacted me, but that was step 1 of our marriage getting better.

I would caveat this pro-change advice WITH 2 majors caveats: (1) I knew he wanted to change his weight because he repeatedly made attempts on his own, demonstrating that he believed it was an issue rather than me persuading him it was an issue. (2) I was still attracted to him despite his being overweight. I loved other qualities about him that he was still an 8+ in my book.

As an RPW, you are trying to maximize the value of the man you marry before you hit the wall and men decline in value. If you’re looking for Prince Harry and you’re less than a charming, sweet, thoughtful, talented, beautiful actress, your standards might be too high. So you have to ask yourself: is this a place where my standards are unrealistic? Is he checking every other box I’ve got? I suspect, if the answer were yes, you wouldn’t actually be posting here.

aftertheafter-party · 2019-04-08T04:12:32+00:00

This may sound kind of rude, but when my mother was suggesting setting me up with my now-husband, I asked her point-blank, "Does it look like he's still hitting the gym?"

I've told my family, his family, & him that both of us need to continue to be physically active in order to be mentally healthy. Both of us lean naturally toward anxiety & mild depression, so it's extremely important for us to keep up our battle by staying as healthy as possible by working out & eating right. I've been wanting to sleep all day recently, so he dragged me out on a 5-mile run on a beautiful day -- I feel great, & I feel grateful <3

Title	Changing Him - Does it ever work?
Author	throwingitaway5572
Upvotes	0
Comments	8
Date	April 7, 2019 9:07 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/bal586/changing_him_does_it_ever_work/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/changing-him-does-it-ever-work.224673 https://theredarchive.com/post/224673

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