Hi all,

Thank you so much for your support on my last post. It meant so much to me knowing I was not alone and that I made the right decision.

The last few days have been super busy but hard. I lived at my ex’s flat, only had a small business and didn’t make much money so I relied very heavily on him. After I left in the morning, I went to stay with some friends who have been incredibly kind and supportive.

I was able to secure my old flat (from when I was a student) for a few months and apply for jobs. I have a couple of interviews lined up which I am excited about. As much as I’d love to focus on my business I know I won’t make enough to live alone so it will have to be worked on in my spare time.

I have also sorted out starting therapy in the next few days.

I am so grateful that everything is going better than I could have ever imagined. I did not for one second think I would make it alone and always thought I’d be doomed without him, but these last few days have been eye opening to say the least.

I am still going to the gym, and I asked if I can swap to another gym close by as my ex also goes to this one and they said it would be totally fine.

I am not feeling very sad. I of course get waves of sadness, but I have not felt a longing to see him or regret yet.

I think, mentally, it was the best time to go.

I was a plate of his for 2/3 months in the beginning, I kind of knew but kind of didn’t want to believe it. A few months later I asked the commitment question, he said no, I went back to my home country. A couple of days later he asked me to come back, and said that he realises he did love me and wanted us to be together; so I went back to him.

The relationship at first was wonderful. I was so in love with him and so happy to have found someone like him; we did cute things together, spent a lot of time together and really bonded well. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. He was really good to me, he looked after me financially and never complained about it, he was generally very supportive and loving.

Over time, I think the frustration crept in and arguments started to occur. Perhaps I nagged too much, perhaps he gave too little, perhaps it was both. We both got comfortable, and I think more so on his side, I fell down his list of priorities. I say this, because I do not remember ever stopping to think of him as number one, even if that meant I came second. I’d bring him drinks when he was working, prepare food, make sure the house was looking good, bring him little gifts and sweets when I went out, writing little love notes. None of this was really ever reciprocated, but I thought it was just ‘him’. I always wanted to make sure he was looked after when I went away and tried my best to juggle everything the best way possible.

When we started to argue, I would often end up upset because he would mock me. I think this was his way of dealing with things without resorting to anger. I remember asking him to please not mock me because of how it made me feel, but nothing I said ever made a difference. I continued on in the relationship because I thought we were working towards an exciting life together, and I could see myself starting a family together, if we worked on communication.

I think eventually he snapped and started getting angry. I can’t pin point where. But anything I asked of him (ex. Please don’t mock me, can we spend time together, I wish you’d tell me you love me etc.) he would just end up flying into a rage. He would slam doors, insult me (stupid/selfish/lazy/bitch/fucking idiot) and always said ‘if you don’t stop this, I will kick you out’ or ‘if you’re not happy just fuck off’, those kinds of things. I honestly thought I was a mega nagger, and was bringing it all on myself. Whenever I wanted to try and talk it was never the right time, there was never any time for me. He said once ‘who the f are you? I don’t even have time for myself, what makes you think you are allowed my time?’

The arguments carried on and a few months ago (2 or so) I just kind of started thinking of leaving. I knew it would be hard, but I have asked him so many times to just talk it out, to not call me names, to at least apologise for what he says (never apologised, once he said ‘I know I shouldn’t, but I’m angry. I know it doesn’t justify it’ - but he never actually apologised despite knowing it was wrong). I’ve asked him what I can do better and what I can change, implemented those changes, and ultimately it never did much.

He said he needed space as we were always working/living together. So I tried going out as much as possible whilst looking after the house, going away to see family, etc. We still argued, it still ended the same way every time. No matter what changes I tried to implement, we were arguing around 1 a week, with every argument ending with him saying if I don’t like it here I should just go.

Like I said before, I think something in me just snapped. I think I realised I can never make him happy, and he can never make me happy. I always wanted to talk about issues that bothered me so we could work them out, he never did. I would ask for things I thought were normal in a relationship, he thought I was asking too much and would say I’m entitled and making demands.

Over time, these were the things I would ask for:

  • Time (a date, for example): always met with a sigh, or a ‘yes, later/another day’
  • Asking him to tell me he loved me (was important to me, but he said he can’t force it)
  • To not get mad/call names in a fight (his response every time: ‘that’s me. If you don’t like it, f off’)

I think my approach for these things were wrong, and he was also wrong for me. I think our characters would never allow us to be together.

I have a lot of work to do. I would shut down when we argued and just cry and cry, feeling like a POS. I just wanted him to come and reassure me, say he’s sorry and he didn’t mean those things, but he would always just look over and say ‘are you done?’. I never felt listened to, valued, or loved outside of the times we were affectionate with one another. When it got to the point where I was asking for intimacy, I felt I had nothing left. I felt totally unwanted and rejected.

I can see looking back that I was annoying. If I didn’t like something we were watching, I would occasionally let out a sigh and just scroll on my phone. I would ask to talk but already be upset at this point and maybe make things worse. I had expectations of the relationship like when we first got together - lots of lovey dovey stuff, and would get upset realising things were no longer like it. I was probably a bad communicator too.

I still don’t think ANYTHING I did would warrant the name calling, the threats to leave or the general non interest in me as a human outside of cooking him food and cleaning his house.

I think I was his ‘thing’.

He used to call me all the time when we were apart and send me songs, call me cute names, tell me he loved me, suggest going for walks etc. The last few months or so - none of that. He never used to message me if I was away unless it was for purely practical reasons or to show me something he’d done (which I appreciated, of course). I didn’t feel missed, or like he thought about me that much. I felt like I was just ‘there’.

I think towards the end I just felt truly dehumanised. Nothing I said mattered. Nothing I did was ever enough (always did something wrong). I didn’t feel adored, or like he was proud to be with me. I felt disposable, replaceable and used.

He did not care if I did not like something in the bedroom, if it pleases him - he will do it. He did not care if I was upset after an argument, he just left me to my own devices. He did not ever apologise for talking to me in a certain way. He did not really want to spend time together, and would probably happily have never gone out together unless it was of some benefit for him.

Im still in a weird state. Part of me is clinging on to the good as I know I wouldn’t have stayed so long if it was all bad. He was affectionate at times, incredibly generous, supportive of my business, supportive when my pet died and when I had other personal stuff going on. He got me reading, working out, eating better. I know deep down he can be a good man. I know he has a lot to offer. But his rage is just something I think I could never have accepted. I started to be afraid that I’d get kicked out any second, I was scared of doing stuff wrong, I was scared I would say something out of line.

I think he is just too selfish. I think no one even comes close to him in his mind, no matter who they are or what they do for him. I think I had high expectations and wanted to give more and more, but I ended up spreading myself too thin. I could not do everything.

I did not want to spend nights on the couch at 23 because I ‘didn’t deserve to sleep in his bed’. I’m not a F ing dog. I did not want to start being scared of doing stuff wrong and being screamed at for something small. I just didn’t see myself in this relationship anymore, I couldn’t do much more.

I have a lot of work to do on my self esteem and communication. I will be starting therapy soon and hopefully my many qualities will be loved and appreciated by someone who truly respects me and loves me despite my flaws.

If anyone has any comments, I’d love to hear them. Writing things down has been very helpful for me in moving forward and I appreciate every single one of you!