I have been lurking this sub for awhile now, and I have already learned so much from your guys’ posts, particularly about communication.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, and met in our senior year of high school. We both met each other in the darkest times of our life and as a result we know each other very well.

However, despite this, obviously partners cannot mind read, no matter how close. I was often the one would wouldn’t say what was on my mind and would explode much later when the issue could’ve been resolved much earlier. Often I would cope with my issues by being clingy and mopey, leading to my bf saying he felt like I relied on him too much.

At first, I took this thinking that he didn’t want me to rely on him AT ALL, and as a result I would not tell him when I was feeling sad or if things were bothering me. This only made things worse and as a result, I would explode more and say terrible things to him, leaving us both unhappy. I realized that I have control issues. I want to be in control so bad that I thought that by keeping my emotions to myself, I would be the perfect girlfriend who never bothered her SO with trivial things. It's so silly--my bf wants to know what's going on, because he loves me, and wants to help. I just need to present my issues to him as they are instead of telling him what I want. I had to approach these situations in a submissive way, letting him lead instead of me begging him to give me something. Me begging for a certain outcome doesn’t show my trust in him, and instead shows how I don’t think he’s man enough to lead.

So on to the event that made me realize this: I was over at my boyfriend’s place enjoying some relaxing time together, watching Netflix. I started to make moves on him and he appeared to be reciprocating and urging me on. He then told me to go to the bedroom and get ready, I started to think that this meant sex, and got really excited. He instructed me to go and take pictures of myself and send them to him, I obliged with enthusiasm, thinking this was going to add to the mood. He then later came in and stated he was too tired for sex. He said he was so stressed about his exam results (he is in a very competitive computer science program), and just couldn’t really relax. Immediately, I felt led on, and left the room to go cry in the bathroom. My original plan was to pretend like it didn’t bother me, but after collecting my emotions I went back into the bedroom and lied down next to him and said:

Me: “Baby, can I tell you something?” Him: “Sure love what’s up?” Me: “I know you’ve been really stressed and I completely understand why you weren’t up to it, but I felt led on just now, I thought you urging me on meant you wanted sex too, and when you all of a sudden said you didn’t want it, I felt like I disappointed you or something.” Him: “oh my god I’m so sorry! I thought I was helping you let off some of the steam, I’m sorry it came off that way, I promise I will never do that again” Me: visibly relieved “Okay, thank you, next time will you tell me right away if you’re not feeling it?” Him: “of course baby, I love you so much and I’m sorry I made you feel that way. Next time I will definitely let you know how I’m feeling before anything gets too far.” Me: “thank you, I love you” Him: smiling “See how much easier it is telling me right away versus locking it up?”

I was so relieved that I had told him right away, letting him lead instead of me trying too hard to control the outcome. It was so liberating I cried a little bit more from happiness (i know, I’m quite emotional).

What was funny I guess is that we talked a bit more in bed, and then one thing led to another and we ended up having the best sex of our lives...go figure.

This really made things click for me. Before I was exerting control by being clingy (trying to force attention on me constantly), then I moved to trying to control outcomes of problems by pretending they didn’t exist then demanding solutions when the emotions became too much. I realize now that coming to him, presenting my problem to him and not demanding outcomes shows him that I don’t rely on him (like to the point of not being able to function), but that I choose him, and that I trust him as the man in my life, to be my partner. It’s the most amazing feeling, guys, I really can’t explain how eye-opening it is. Obviously I’m not 100% where I’d like to be, but I’m on my way :)