Manipulation isn't a dirty word. On here, I've noticed it used as an insult: don't manipulate him, oh, she's just a manipulative bitch. Well, I'd like to rehabilitate the use of the word "manipulative" and suggest some applications for manipulation in your love life. (Please read the post in its entirety before judging!)

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Google Dictionary defines manipulate as "[to] control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously."

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I'd like to focus on the first definition: "cleverly".

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When it comes to human relationships, happiness and willingness to do things are a non-zero-sum game. What that means is that if one person benefits, it doesn't necessarily mean that the other person loses out. You can manipulate people into making positive life changes, and you can manipulate people into doing things that are against their interest. (I trust that you will use your powers for good ;)

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So, how are people manipulated? Are you skeptical that manipulation can be a good thing?

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I want you each to consider two situations to illustrate what manipulation means and how it can benefit your life.

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Imagine that you are at home, planning on cooking dinner when you realize that your partner forgot to pick up an item--say, tomato sauce-- when he went to the store. You need the tomato sauce to make dinner, and you know that he passes by a grocery on his way home from work. You text him one of two things:

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Option A: "Hey, can you get some tomato sauce on your way home from work? Thanks!"

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Option B: "Hey do you want me to make your favorite pizza tonight? Was considering it but we don't have any tomato sauce. do you think you could pick some up on your way home?"

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Option A is most direct. In option B, you are specifically manipulating his feelings--making him happier and more motivated for the pizza that you will cook so that he does what you want. Both A and B would likely result in the same course of action--your man buying the tomato sauce. But Option B makes him happier to do it.

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Scenario #2:

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You're in your living room with your partner. He keeps coughing loudly, and you find it hard to focus on your book. You find yourself getting annoyed.

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Option A: You say, "Hey, you're coughing kind of loudly. Can you try to quiet down a little? Thanks."

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Option B: You say, "Hey, it sounds like your throat is giving you a hard time. Those coughs sound like they hurt. Anything I can do to help soothe it? Do you want some herbal tea, or one of my cough drops? "

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Option A is the most direct. One could say it's the least manipulative course of action. But it's not the best. You don't need to disclose your primary motivation for addressing the situation (annoyance). Instead, frame the issue in a way that will a) be effective in solving it and b) make the other person happy and prime them to perform the behavior you want.

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People might think they don't want to be manipulated, that they want people to "tell it how it is" in the most direct way possible. They're wrong. Manipulation, done by the right people for the right reasons, makes things happen more smoothly and makes your relationship happier.

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The core of manipulation is presenting an issue or idea to someone in a way that appeals to their interests. How you present an issue greatly influences how people think about it. In this way, you present a choice but subtly guide the person toward the course of action that you want, without making them feel upset or "nagged".

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To manipulate someone: before addressing an issue, think: what do they want? what do they value? How does the course of action that I want followed align with these interests? Each person wants to feel important in some way. How can you appeal to and validate that desire to feel important?

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Below, I have listed some techniques for manipulation (or persuasion, if you find that word more palatable).

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ETHOS. Ethos is argument by authority. If you know your partner respects or trusts someone, let them do the arguing for you. What's more persuasive: A) "I think it's a good brand of sunscreen." B) "It's the sunscreen my dermatologist uses."

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PATHOS. Pathos is argument by emotion. A beggar on the street holds a sign that says, "it's Christmas, and I'm all alone and cold". This evokes our sense of pity, so we give him money.

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LOGOS. Logos means argument by logic and facts. E.g. "if you don't buy the mattress before next Tuesday, we'll have to pay extra for the express shipping."

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KAIROS. Kairos refers to timing. Kairos is knowing when and where to broach a topic. For example, you wouldn't ask your roommate to do a bit more cleaning around the house right after she got fired from her job. Be situationally aware, and choose the right moment to address an issue.

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In short:

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Manipulation in itself is not evil or bad. It's not lying, or deception. It is a tool, a way of presenting information. You can use it to make people happier and do things that are in your mutual interests. Use it wisely!

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To anyone interested in the subject, I recommend the books How to Win Friends and Influence People and Thank You for Arguing.