Hi ladies :)

I'd been taking as much time as possible, with the main focus on thriving in my own space. I aim to learn more of myself in the process, as I have discovered plenty.

I wonder if anyone here has overcome past childhood trauma; in the previous conversation with my therapist, I spoke of how it's affected me in (obviously) negative ways. It now makes sense as to why my self-esteem was always so low for as long as I could remember, and it's practically affected my relationship with others. Some friends who definitely hadn't had me in their best interest, colleagues who treated me poorly, this huge desire to find a guy who could possibly validate me and make me feel pretty. I'd always been so eager for a guy to make as much of an interest in me as I had myself in him. Consequently, I found myself being constantly teased; sometimes by the very guys I crushed over. The last guy I 'talked' to seemed to be confusing to me as to whether he wanted a girlfriend or not. I'll say, though, I did stand my ground when refusing to show any intimate action towards him unless we we're officially dating. Shortly after, the texts from him ceased, even when I'd reached out. In hindsight, neither him nor I were compatible, but since I was so eager to be loved, I got upset; mainly with myself.

As of now, I'm not looking to date until I have dealt with my baggage, as I would not want to put that on anyone, let alone a potential husband. I don't want what'd happened in the past to have such nasty effects on the rest of my life. I've always been the insecure, anxiety-ridden 'ugly duckling'; wanting a happy ending of my very own. My therapist insisted that '... I deserve it; I owe it to myself to have that'. I truly believe it's frustrated my desires to walk in femininity, as I tend to keep to myself. Exposing my chest (body language) makes me feel WAY too vulnerable. I'm so used to shrinking myself down as a means to protect myself; it sounds weird to say, but I really don't feel like a woman AT ALL. While everyone is 'pink', I feel 'green', if that makes sense.

Edited for content and formatting