Hi all. 31-year-old woman and 38 weeks pregnant, so obviously view this through the lens of some hormones raging - albeit some of the issues I'm going to ask about long predate my pregnancy. I'm so sorry this is going to be really long, but there's a lot of context.

So as the title says, I've started reading this book because, frankly, I'm getting the impression that my husband does not love me (though he generally treats me well, it's more like how you'd be polite and pleasant to a roommate). Other than cuddling up to one another when the alarm goes off in the morning, there is virtually no physical affection, as in he does not kiss or hug me without me approaching him. Same thing with sex, which is now simply me giving him oral sex in the morning and him not touching me or reciprocating. Obviously being heavily pregnant is part of the issue with both of these, though it has been ongoing for many months now and it's destroying my self esteem.

Part of me is hopeful that the sex and affection will sort of resolve itself, as he's indicated the problem is that he's not attracted to me while pregnant. I asked to be intimate with the lights off if that's what it takes, but I have few ideas beyond that because he's said that the pregnancy itself is the problem. I'm limited in my ability to get "dolled up" for him because of a lack of "sexy" clothes right now, but I'm not sure that part matters too much because right now he won't look at me from the neck down when I'm in lingerie anyway (again, this isn't an impression - it's been explicitly stated), but maybe more effort in the makeup/hair/nails department would make up for some of this? I'm not sure. I've never in my life put much effort into my hair or nails, nor is it something he wants me spending money on, so it's just the time commitment to learn how to get more done up. (Thoughts on this idea specifically? My main concern is I don't want the time invested in my appearance to detract from other family/household responsibilities or the limited time I have for fitness, which I love and I feel is an important part of appearance.) I do wear makeup for him, though, and I've tried to learn what styles he likes. I'm afraid the baby's first year is going to be a long extension of the same, since I assume if I don't "bounce back" to how I was before, he still won't find me attractive. Maybe I'm reading into that too much, but it's a huge fear of mine.

Beyond the above, he's not really engaged with the pregnancy at all. I (understandably) did almost all of the shopping for baby clothes and furniture, but I also attended all of my appointments alone and he's asked minimal questions about anything - and offered no advice, despite this not being his first baby, other than asking me most days what I've eaten and trying to encourage me to eat more. I get that, and I get not being open and being stoic is fairly normal, but his engagement with the pregnancy mostly involves second-guessing my decisions, like whether it was a good idea for me to continue running late in pregnancy (midwife was perfectly fine with it - but he countered with, "does your midwife know everything?" I bit my tongue, but obviously I wanted to say, "Do you?"), or whether I really need that breast pump - which is going to allow me to go back to work on our agreed-upon schedule (he needed an expensive baby monitor that cost as much as the breast pump, though, and wouldn't let me question that decision).

More broadly outside of the pregnancy, though, it's clear he does not trust me to make good choices and frequently nitpicks little things, like scolding me for accidentally using too much dish soap the one time he was watching (yes, we're talking about things that are THAT minor and inconsequential!). It feels like he's the parent and I'm the child, and nothing I do will ever be good enough because when I work to reach his standard on one area, there's always something else that I don't do his way. So where this ties back to the book, as I mentioned, is this idea that men have very basic needs: for respect, intimacy, and appreciation. At this point, I feel as though my needs are no more complicated than that. I would do ANYTHING for him if it meant I received those three things in return. I don't think I'm a complicated creature. I literally am not looking for anything more than the basic things that men say they want. I've tried wearing makeup more often; I've tried doing as much of the housework as I possibly can (without complaining or asking for help); I've tried doing as many little things for him as I conceivably think I can in the hopes that maybe he'll see how much I love him. What else can I possibly do? I don't want to nag him, but at this point it just feels so hopeless.