Hi. I(23f) have been with my boyfriend(24m)for 5 years now. I am the more loving one in our relationship, since i approached him first so its supposed that all the compromises are my obligation. Also he seems narcissistic to me, always caring about what he wants more than what i find right. Since i love him alot so i actually pampered him in love in the start because he was broken from his past relationship and later on i started feeling that i should be considered a person too n not a slave. There has been many ups and downs but we stuck together because we loved each other n also bcz i want to be monogamous ( one partner for lifetime). He has been very caring too, i adored him alot n felt lucky that he reciprocated my love.

problem: Now recently he told me on our call that once he imitated sex with a guy, i was shocked because he always said 'i will never cheat on you physically n i m only responsible for my actions not desires' His loyalty was the anchor of our relationship, i would ignore every red flag just because i trusted him that he wouldnt do anything that would hurt me this way. But now this thing comes up and my whole being crumbled. I asked him what does he mean by imitation? He said the guy was lying on his tummy in his bed( hostel mates) when he got on top of him n pushed himself few times into him kinda rubbed himself. But he stopped as that guy was saying no dont do this, what are u doing etc. My bf felt bad he knew it was wrong bcz ofcourse he is not gay so he did this out of sex desire. As i would deny him bcz we were unmarried. We also used to fight alot on sex, because he found it difficult to be in relationship n yet not have it. 

                                                                       okay so all this he told me, i got super numb n broke down. bcz recently we had another big episode that we very difficultly got out of, that too related to breaching my trust( emotional cheating kinda). He apologized to me n acknowledged that it was wrong but said no its not cheating bcz i m not into guys and it wasnt actual sex bcz we were clothed. Also he said its okay guys do this as a joke, no biggie. So, he is also acknowledging it as a wrong act but also defending it. It took me time to forgive him (3 days) n i said lets start again n forget it ever happened or u told me. When he first told me i asked him the details of this incident he said he doesnt remember bit now he asked me if i wanna know details so that nothing is hidden between me n him. He wanted to be transparent. Okay so details were that it wasnt one time thing, as he used to tease that guy by touching his ass to annoy him, once he sat tht guy on his lap n wont let him get up n once he rubbed his nipple bcz it made him (the guy) feel good n once he touched his butt inside his trouser. I who convinced herself to forgive him bcz it was one time mistake now felt befooled. These all were jokes according to him and just hostel guy friend things. I asked if someone else did this too? He said idk. No doubt he has apologized that guy for harassing him n that guy said its okay. But i felt cheated. N idk all the other red flags I ignored bcz of his loyalty are just flashing infront of me now. Because sooner or later we are gonna marry. Our families are involved in this relationship.                                                                                           He did apologize and is guilty but i m just finding it hard to ignore all other things. N i want if we strt again, i wont compromise on them.

He accuses me of taking advantage of this whole scene to get away from things i dont wanna do.

I just dont want to do Anl s* with him after marriage bcz its forbidden in our religion n it makes me guilty. While he from day one made it clear how much he wants that n despite knowing its forbidden he cant get rid of the desire. Maybe bcz he never had the other thing experienced and thats why he thinks An** is the only pleasureful way. We cant discuss it with anyone. To whomever i talked about it generally said clearly everything can be ignored except this. N said no dont worry ur husband wont do that to you. Its me who knows how much he wants to. We have done it few times n its just i cant do it for lifetime n die a sinner. Altho before he misused my love to get this now i m not bending at all n he is angry.