TL;DR: older Redditor looks back at his life and sees that The Red Pill would have predicted all that went wrong; and wonders if TRP is the cure to his depression.

I was born in Blue Pill land.

Raised Blue Pill.

My father was not RP nor BP, he was a complete asshole and was not around much. My mother raised me to be the antithesis of my father: Be a Nice Guy was her mantra, that brainwashed me from as long as I remember and forever. Be Nice to women she would say. Funny thing is that when I got divorced and opened up to her about how bad my wife treated me she told me that it was my fault that I had not been able to manage her like my father did to her. WTF????

The message was of course re-inforced by the Disney culture and by all the girls in high school who were dating jerks and came crying on my shoulder with the usual “Why can’t I find a nice guy like you, but not you?”

So I tried even harder to be a nice guy.

Your first girlfriend cheats and dumps you? Try harder to be an even more Nice Guy.

Your second girlfriend cheats on you? Try harder to be an even more Nice Guy so much so that you even get engaged. Luckily you get some sanity and break off the engagement.

Your next girlfriend who is in the middle of the CC cheats on you? Try harder to be an even more Nice Guy so much so that she “falls in love” with you and you get married. Yes married to the woman who cheated on you with her former jerk boyfriend. Please laugh at me she told me that they went to a hotel room to "talk" and somehow ended up fucking.

Within a few months from the wedding date I find myself in a dead bedroom, the sex that once was fueling my passion is nowhere to be found. I try harder to be an even more Nice Guy.

I break down after 7 years and file for divorce. Interestingly enough I found out that she had a “friend” at work with whom she would have lunch and talk. I don’t believe she cheated on me, I think he was just a beta orbiter.

After the divorce I find myself being in my early 30 with a nightmare in my hands: I am a nice guy, and I want to date a little to see what this dating world is all about. Think again good boy, the women were all post wall and were desperately looking for a BB husband.

And I found out that quite a few of them had a AF fuck buddy. Do you know how many times I wined and dined a date only to be dumped at the end of the evening because she had other plans?

I was clumsy but determined, so I studied a little bit of the early seduction material, and at the same time I was still a Nice Guy, I believed in it. So I was able to secure a girlfriend after another, but they all ended because after a while she had the “talk” of “where is this going?”, and when they heard that I had no intention of marrying them, quite a few of them got mad at me. With my logic I replied that I was looking for sex and a relationship by being nice, instead of just looking for NSA sex like some of the “jerks” that they had dated before me, it made sense to me. These women got even more angry at me saying that at least those jerks were “honest” by telling then that they were only after sex and nothing else; while instead I “deceived” them by being a nice guy. FML!

When I pointed out that I made no promises whatsoever, it didn’t change anything, since I was a Nice Guy I somehow implied that we were to be married at some point in time.

When I told them that since now things were out in the open, and we were on the same page, we could remain fuck buddies for sex only and I would stop wining and dining them and do the things that a Nice Guy would do, they wanted nothing of that.

I got so mad, I did become a jerk. I would fuck women without respect, I would not be a nice guy on purpose, I would not get to know them at all, I would meet and escalate and .. it worked, it worked well enough that I always had someone to call to get my dick wet.

Then I stumbled upon the perfect match. An older woman who just broke off her engagement to BB and was looking for a boy toy, I was in my 30’s, she was 10 years older than me, she taught me many things, we had a lot of fun for about a year or so, while she was still negotiating getting married to the BB she had dumped days before the wedding.

Deep inside I was still Beta, and Nice Guy. After a while I didn’t enjoy it that much, I wanted 1 nice girl for myself. I did have some PUA training, so by accident I found her, pretty, 10 years younger, nice girl. I dumped the NSA older woman, and started dating the younger nice girl, who brought out the beta nice guy in me to its fullest. We were married within 1 year.

Everything was wonderful, until it was not, but I was in love, so I thought the struggles were part of the deal of being in love, and dealing with them was part of what it meant to be a Nice Guy. The sex was infrequent and boring, so I masturbated a lot; her family drove me crazy with insane requests and she piled up on top of it, she gaslighted me, and I cave in little by little. After 15+ years I found myself clinically depressed, unhappy, on the brink of a mental breakdown and meltdown.

Today I am spinning 2 plates, my wife, and my mistress who knows about my wife.

I started the second plate, my mistress, very strong, she loved the fact that I was a mystery, I was very alpha with her, then she cheated on me, and I turned into beta. You can say that she used Dread on me, so now, she’s still my mistress, but we are in relationship where I am beta and nice guy, once again. I told her everything about me abd my life, so the mystery is gone. The sex is still very good that I don’t want to let go, and I know that she won’t be cheating on me anymore, but I also know that with time she’ll pressure me to leave my wife so that she and I can be a legit couple.

Presently I am dealing with my depression, that is my #1 priority, I am seeing a therapist and I am also doing other therapy work on my own, seeking desperately to get better.

I think all my past relationships contributed to my depression, and I wonder if The Red Pill is indeed the best cure for me depression. And by Red Pill I don’t mean it as a way to bed women, but as a way of life to regain my Masculinity, to live my own life on my own terms.

I honestly don’t know what I am doing with my life, or where my life is headed.

I know that all my life I have done “the right thing” and it had lead me to a place that sucks; so anything but this would be an improvement.

Traditional therapy is helping but is not solving much.

Looking in retrospect, everything that has gone wrong in my life was predicted by the principles of The Red Pill; so with that track record, it just makes sense that The red Pill as a philosophy of life is viable for me, and yet I find it hard, very hard to swallow it and to fully integrated it in my life.

I am venting here, no solution, no Eureka moment, just another married BP guy looking at TRP and his life and he can hardly believe that everything is so upside down, everything is not that way I was told it was going to be. Facts do speak for themselves.

Any suggestions, testimonials, and constructive comments highly appreciated.