This is a message to the beginners on here, and a bit of an open letter to my younger self. This post is about my first ever relationship that I just came out of after 5 years. I'm 25 years old, I got into it when I was 20.

My first girlfriend

Near the end of high school, I started getting into pickup and I got my first couple of dates, first few kisses, I got to makeout with my crush that I've liked all of high school.. life was taking an unbelievable turn for a certain skinny nerd with massive self-confidence issues.

And then I had my first sexual encounter. She was hot, cute, cool to hang out with and most importantly, because I did everything right, she fell for me hard. It was an incredible feeling of power that I've never experienced before. A woman was obsessed with me.

After some deliberation, I decided to LTR her. Looking back, I have to say that she really does check all the boxes of the "LTR material" checklist (family oriented, healthy upbringing, loves to cook, traditionally feminine..), so it wasn't a completely unreasonable decision. And being a very avid reader of TRP at the time, I thought that there was no way I'd let myself fall into the pitfalls that I read about so often on here. I was going to be the ultimate alpha-beta in the relationship. This was my thought process:

"If she continues being this great of a woman long term - awesome. And just in case she doesn't, I'll keep working on myself while I'm with her, so I can comfortably jump ship if she messes up. I'll build my body up, I'll start a business and come out with an even higher SMV than when I got into this thing."

Amazing theory, past me. Meet reality:

Hardmode

While what I wrote above really is what the hamster inside my head made up as an excuse to get into a relationship with her, here's what my subconscious mind was most likely whispering to itself behind my back as it pulled me towards the decision to cuff that ho:

"Holy shit, holy shit, getting girls is so scary! Yes, I've gotten some success but that's probably just luck because I'm just a loser deep down. I've never even cold approached anyone.. no way I'm doing that shit. Better latch onto this girls as a source of sex and companionship."

I believe that deep down, the relationship was started out of fear of being alone. And thus, even though I was able to lie to myself really well and even put on a decent mask in front of her for the first year, the scarcity mindset was there as a core pillar. As the relationship continued, this scarcity only increased.

Lesson 1: If you think you can escape the rules of female nature and the unforgiving sexual marketplace by getting into an LTR (or marrying), you're mistaken. LTRs have the same exact rules, only in hardmode. You have to work 10x harder to keep her attracted. She sees you all the time (goodbye any sort of mystique), she sees your weak moments, she sees you being lazy on your phone when you have shit to do, she sees you failing her shit tests..

And worst of all, she'll smile at you and tell you its okay to give into the comfort. And you'll believe it and give in. All while any of her sexual attraction towards you dries out. Because she "won". You're not as strong of a man as you thought you were if all it takes to throw your own identity and goals out the window is some mediocre pussy, a warm smile and cuddles on the couch.

Betafication

This is the typical "betafication" story we all know all too well. The first year of our relationship she wore heels and my favorite dress as she baked a cake on my birthday as a surprise. Year three, she baked the cake two months late "because of school" and I had to ask. Everything got lazier, less fiery and passionate.

Of course our sex life took a hit as well. The three-month dry spell was a wake-up call for me to get my shit together. So I started looking online about what I should do. I followed the usual advice - go to the gym more, dress better, start spending time out late more. I did all of it and none of it helped. She could smell the desperation, no front I put on was good enough to convince her.

She knew I was a pussy who was happy to be with her because I didn't have to go out to pursue other women.

Lesson 2: Always spin plates, keep flirtatious relationships with other women in an LTR. Dread is the name of the game. She won't fuck you if she doesn't have to.

Year three was also where she was texting some "online friend" in a lovey-dovey manner and cried her eyes out when I found out. I forgave her of course, since they (as far as I know but who knows) never met or exchanged nudes. A shell of the badass I thought I'd become all those years back.

Freedom

The original plan of developing myself into a womanizing stud while using her as an easy sex source went out the window at this point. In fact, this whole relationship started pulling me back - I had trouble making new friends, not to mention trying and pick up girls. I felt trapped and unhappy with myself. Constant depression, even though on paper I was doing better than 90% of the people in my age bracket. Not once would I consider that it's the relationship that's causing me so much strife, we were perfect! All our friends told us so too. Or maybe I was just scared of being alone again and having to go out there and approach women forreal.

Lesson 3: Major personality changes only happen when your back is against the wall. When you have a comfortable environment, you're going to stay the same. If you want change, you need to walk face first into whatever scares you the most.

We broke up because I cheated with a female friend of mine. After reading Mark Manson's Models, I decided to try to be more "authentic" like he says in the book. And one of those moments was when I authentically told my friend I've liked her for a few years now. And to my surprise she reciprocated the feelings (no idea how that worked, my game was super rusty at this point). One thing lead to another and the next day I'm sitting on the couch and telling my girlfriend everything. I said I'm sorry, but I didn't feel sorry. I felt happy it happened. I felt alive.

For the last few weeks of the relationship, she turned into the perfect girlfriend. The sex was better than at the start of our relationship, she cooked, cleaned, did everything I said. But I no longer felt any "love" towards her. Despite me being scared shitless of being alone once again, I embraced the empty dreaded feeling and break up.

The Now

It's been 4 months since our breakup. I immersed myself fully into a few areas in life where I want to get better, game being one of them. I managed to fuck a handful of my hot female friends, had a few successful approaches that lead to sex as well. I've had amazing experiences and crazy weekends with stories to tell. Some of them get obsessed like my ex did all those years back, it's nothing rare.

I'm finally beginning to understand how women think and communicate. With every experience, it's like I'm gaining knowledge exponentially. I'm still at the start of my journey (5 years too late), but I feel excited for what's going to come next.

For the first time in my life, I don't feel like a loser. I managed to finally internalize that I'm that guy. Women want to fuck me. People love the vibe I bring to them. I automatically walk up to strangers and start conversations, I make friends everywhere I go. I go to the gym not because it's something I need to do as a chore, but because it's something I deserve.

I'm no longer afraid of being alone, because I finally have myself.