Lately I’ve come to a realization.

I was born with a father, but not raised by one. My dad never really seemed to connect with me. He bought me things, but every time it seemed like he was trying to take interest in something I was interested in, he was never really fully there (seemed like my mom forced him into it). I overheard once while my dad was in an argument with my mom that he didn't want a son.

My father over the years blamed me for his incapacity to raise a son and maintain a father-son relationship. He blamed me for the disconnect between me and him. He blamed me because I didn’t take interest in the same sports he did, the same hobbies he did, so he refused to take interest in mine.

He thought that I should somehow fucking know as a child that father-son relationships are important, so I should make an effort to hang out with him and learn life lessons from him. When I was growing up, video games were the buzz, so I was occupied by those. He, likely due to spite, rarely asked me to hang out with him, to help him build things, to do anything really.

For a good part of my life I was trying to impress my dad, but never really felt accomplished in doing so. I became a stellar guitarist (evident from a countless compliments from listeners over the span of a few years), and not once did he compliment me or show interest my guitar playing.

He blamed me because he didn’t learn over his life how to raise a son. Perhaps this came from the disconnect he had with his own father, and he felt I didn’t deserve or need a father figure.

I have raised myself more than he ever did. I have looked for father figures in others, and strive to encompass the lessons they teach. I have learned, but I have learned on my own.

In a way, the Red Pill is a father figure. A father figure created by a community of people trying to improve, and trying to learn lessons a father would teach.

We are engrained from birth to learn from our fathers, that anything they say is right and we should listen. (I believe this is evolutionary). When a father forsakes you, doesn’t take interest in you, doesn’t compliment you, it makes you think you aren’t good enough, so you are forever looking for that validation from others. You subconsciously search for a father figure in others.

My father has told me before that he doesn’t blame himself for how I was raised, but he blames modern society. This is utter bullshit, as I have seen other guys my age who don’t look for validation from others, because they were raised with true father figures.

I don’t know how the fuck you get rid of the validation issue. I’ve been making an effort to not compare myself to others or try to impress others who I view as superior, but I still find myself subconsciously doing it.

I know some guys don’t even have dads, and I feel for them.

I needed to put these thoughts down somewhere. Fuck.