Sitting on my patio drinking wine with a plate. At about 8:30 pm, my cell phone rings. Turns out that it was from another plate had been "thinking about me the whole day." (Probably hamster-speak for being bored and horny.) In truth, I hadn't spoken to the caller for a couple of weeks, and was actually not planning on contacting her again.

Nevertheless, in spite of not really being into her, I deliberately have a long and friendly conversation with the plate on the phone, while the one who is over at my place is looking daggers at me and gesturing to ask who was calling. When the one on the phone eventually hangs up, I tell the one visiting me that she's only a friend. This is true - we weren't fucking at that point and I wasn't planning to do so either. However, this does not go down well. She gets up and starts rummaging through her handbag from the dining room table, as if to leave. I ignore this and carry on drinking wine on the patio. Eventually she storms outside and tells me she's leaving. I respond: "Oh, OK." She goes.

The next morning I get a text from her, informing me that her ex had sent her a Facebook friend request. (Yeah, right. Big coincidence. Not!) It is an obvious and pathetic lie and shit test, designed to make me jealous. I respond: "Cool. So what's he up to?" No response for the rest of the day, although she did read the text.

That night, without any further contact and uninvited, she shows up at my place again. Doesn't say a word, walks over and hugs me while sobbing and saying sorry. I'm wasn't bothered by her behaviour, but who am I to say no to what she is clearly perceiving to be make-up sex? Needless to say, the best sex ever with her follows.

Moral of the story: dread WORKS, especially if you didn't plan it. As soon as they perceive competition, the pussies begin tingling and the hamster goes full throttle.

However, you need to play this carefully. The wrong thing for me to do, would have been to a) apologize for the other plate calling me, or b) to have swallowed the bait about the alleged ex wanting to friend her on Facebook. Doing either of the above would have put me at a disadvantage.