It has taken a little over a year now for me to separate myself from the disease that was eating me away inside. Those plaguing thoughts of one day fixing and rebuilding a lost 2 & 1/2 year relationship are completely gone. I've finally received my closure and everything has really wrapped itself up full circle. Here's my story for those who are interested.

I was weak, overweight, lonely, and at the time still a pubescent teenager finding out my own belonging in life, even more so trying to figure out the puzzle which was relationships.

I had only had 3-4 SO's up to that point, and there was almost this inner longing for a "relationship" or something permanent which I had felt for quite some time. Then I found the best and worst thing that I've ever had to experience. I found that "relationship" I was searching for.

When I found this girl she was a broken, depressed, shell of a person and I even knew this at the time. She had scars on her wrists from self-harm, colorful hair-dye, unusual piercings for what I had seen on most girls, and a very slim physique (~90lbs).

I wasn't quite sure why I was so attracted to her, but I was. She was a polar opposite from what I was in both physical form, and certain aspects of my mentality. I thought back then that I could 'fix' her. Repair the "emotional abuse" that her ex had ravaged her with after he took her virginity and then left her. All I know is at the time, I didn't quite know what I was getting into.

I didn't know that I was inadvertently signing myself on to nearly three+ years of emotional distress, blaming myself, and a fuck ton of trust issues. She cheated on me early on in the relationship, but I actually didn't find this out until about a year later when I was still with her. I had figured that since I had stuck out her treatment for this long, there was something there worth staying around for. So I forgave her after her pleading, crying, etc. This treatment, and even her direct blaming of me for her 'issues' and 'flaws' as she called them continued for a grand total of 939 days officially (feb. 2012 - aug. 2014).

I had tried to leave her numerous times, but I was too weak at the time to follow through with it without succumbing to her begging and false promises of a better future. Even in the end, I wasn't able to directly say "Fuck you, get out I'm done with you". I said something along the lines of "Well if you are so unhappy, then there's the door". It was such a pussy move on my part, and I had wished for the longest time that I could go back and feed her the words that she so rightfully deserved long before the final debacle.

So let's talk about the final reason for the ultimate breakup that stuck. I had started to open my mind to many more things as I matured and began growing into someone I could love. I had mentioned the idea of smoking cannabis to her and wanted to include her in this adventure of mine. [Also, as I side note I should add that she had already tried it about a year prior to me asking, but hadn't done it since]. But anyways, with a little bit of creative wordplay myself, I was able to convince her to try it with me, and once we did I loved it. It allowed me to think in so many ways previously unimaginable as well as freeing me from the shackles I wasn't yet willing to admit were on me. Meanwhile, she didn't even inhale the smoke into her lungs despite my constant guidance. She never got "high", she didn't enjoy the social situation that I was in once I was high because she wasn't right there with me.

So that's when she told me that she wanted me to stop, and that if I loved her and cared about her more than smoking, I would stop. But I was fed up, and while I was still under the illusion that I could make things work with this cancer of a human being, I was unwilling to stop smoking for her ease of mind. There's a lot more hypocrisy I could get into with this whole story regarding the triangle that was cannabis, her, and I. But to make things short, this was the cause of our breakup.

So you would think that the story ends there right? My torture was over, I could now live a life independent and free. And in some ways, I did. Personally in my life, I began smoking more, I became a much calmer and more collected person capable of understanding my own feelings and channeling them towards the right things as well as experimenting with psychedelics such as LSD, DMT, Psilocybin mushrooms, etc. It was a life-changing time for me, and as the lime-light partying/experimenting seemed to fade I was more content with myself. I had opened my mind up to so many things and I was happy.

But let's rewind for a moment to August 27th, 2014. The day that her and I split apart for good. Turns out she went straight from my house to another guy's house from school. She started dating him the same day, played the whole "I love you" game within a week, and started fucking him within just a few weeks of briefly seeing each other in-between classes. And at the time, I was still a very vulnerable and susceptible person to heartache. I was torn up. She had left me (a 250lb semi-pizza face) for a guy more similar to her appearance and tastes. A severely skinny 100lb lad with giant gauged ears, scrawny patches of unkept facial hair, the whole works essentially.

I won't describe in detail how this past year was for me, but I assure you that the mind-opening experiences I've had have kept me going. My journey for self-betterment and a quest to prove that I am not the cause of her "problems" has fueled a passion in me to be the best person I can be without caring about what others may think. I have power over my life now, I have bettered myself, and I will never be a weak link that blames my unhappiness on anyone else but myself.

I am in control.