Hey guys, Been lurking and commenting here for a while now, and I feel like TRP has opened my eyes to a lot of things that I just passively accepted before.

One thing I've noticed is that many of my sexual experiences with women have left me feeling strangely uneasy, and I've never quite been able to put a finger on what it was that left me so uncomfortable. After lurking around here for a little while, I think I've got a lead on it.

Have you guys ever felt that the women with whom you were having sex seemed to view the intercourse as some sort of disingenuous, writhing performance, as if there were a camera in the room or something? Sometimes I get the sense that women feel like they're starring in their own porno, and that the sex isn't about anything other than the woman validating herself by trying to act and feel sexy. Bear with me here, because I haven't really fleshed out this idea fully, but I'm going to try and explain what I mean.

When I'm having sex, my experience is inseparable from the woman's. How I feel about it is very much dependent on my perception of whether she's enjoying it, etc. In other words, my pleasure is tied up in her pleasure. But observing the woman, I get the sense that sex on her side isn't about me at all, and the whole thing seems fake. Not that I mean she's faking orgasms or anything like that, but that her enjoyment, validation, and self-esteem don't come from any sort of mutual connection or activity. Rather than intimacy between two people, it's almost like she's a musician on stage putting on a show for an anonymous audience. The audience is focused on the musician, but the musician doesn't care about the audience and instead just gets validated from being on stage and in the spotlight. That's how sex often feels to me.

Maybe I'm just realizing that sex isn't special the way our blue pill culture has socialized me to believe. Maybe it's just one ingredient in the red pill and it isn't a novel realization to the rest of you. To me, though, this is the toughest part of the red pill to swallow; the notion that, after all, I am not special and will never be regarded as such in the eyes of the women I pursue. I have real trouble accepting it, and it makes sex seem like this awful, gynocentric performance in which I am not the performer but the instrument. I feel used afterwards, and embarrassingly, I avoid sex because of it. I'd love for sex to be enjoyable, but I feel all of these inner conflicts between the way I was brought up to believe the world would be versus how the world actually is, and it all becomes so real during and after sex. Sex has become a physical, tangible expression of this inner conflict which at all other times is only abstract and only in my mind.

So the result is that I avoid closing. I build attraction with women but never seal the deal, because then the absurdity of it all becomes a physical reality that I can't think away. Has anyone else here ever struggled with this?