Spending more time with LTR

SomebodyCool · 2014-09-05T21:00:34+00:00

I gotta tell you man, it isn't a pretty picture you've painted here. Let's begin from the top:

Currently my fiance

You must be insane to think of marrying this woman. You are setting yourself up as a complete beta husband and marriage will only worsen your position and make it more difficult to reverse the dominance dynamic.

She never wants to stay the night because she works early in the mornings.

Why do you want her to spend the night? your insistence on it shows neediness and an inability to enjoy time without her.

It's all bullshit because she works 10 minutes from me (very short drive) and lives about 25 away.

Another gigantic reason not to marry her. By the way, why the fuck are you getting married to a girl that you've not even lived with? why oh god why? at least try cohabitation before you get married...

Me: Yes, it's not acceptable that we only see eachother on weekends. There's no reason you can't be here for one weeknight. Pick a date from now on so you're prepared. [...] Me: Ok, but know I find it unacceptable and will not be happy with you if that's how you're going to approach this.

You are making threats that don't have bite. "I won't be happy with you"? clearly enough she doesn't give a shit and, by the way, you're again telling her that your happiness depends on her behavior.

I feel everything we talk about or I suggest from sex to spending the night meets her hamster wall of doom.

Because she knows full well she has you by the balls. You make feeble attempts at getting something, she shuts you down, you don't follow up on the implicit or explicit threat.

I get up and do something else or I'll just give her the silent treatment [...] I held out for 3 hours at the entire event not even looking at her

This is already a weak-ass response. You are so invested in the situation that you won't leave nor enjoy it in other way. Everything's about her and she's still in control of your happiness. If you had gotten up and gone to have fun with some other guys at the event it would have been immeasurably better.

Guess who had to apologize?

Certainly not you. Drop the victim mentality. You didn't have to apologize, you chose to cave in because it was the easiest thing to do.

I've recognized I've been complete beta in this relationship and it's probably why I can't make decisions and can't get laid.

This is where you are 100% right. You are her bitch right now and she's about to make your her bitch legally as well.

It almost feels like SHE is redpill and I'm just a betbitch.

This is 100% the case.

I need to take the power back and stop being overthrown by my first officer!

No, you need to break off the engagement and break up with her. Yes, I'm serious, nuclear option. There's no coming back from the pit of betaness in which you've dug yourself, certainly not if you get married and she can hold a legal contract over your head. Walk away now when you can do it without legal repercussion, it's about the only thing that might win you back some respect.

Seriously, don't fucking marry her. I'm serious here man. You're gonna ruin your life. She's already an insufferable bitch now. Dump her. Focus on yourself for a while then try spinning plates before getting into a LTR again.

bankruptedcasino · 2014-09-05T20:08:27+00:00

If you're getting laid, you should not be asking her to spend the night. If you're not getting laid, your marriage will be a dead bedroom the day your honeymoon ends.

The act of sharing a bed with a woman for sleeping purposes (and not for "sleeping" purposes) isn't beta. But asking for it is. Alpha males ejaculate and leave the room to do what they want with the rest of their day, their needs having been fulfilled. Betas sit around and want to cuddle and talk about their feelings. Worse, they use these post-coital sessions to ask the girl about their sexual prowess compared to her other lovers. I cringe at the thought of that.

If you want your boo to spend the night with you, that's fine. I sheepishly admit that I enjoy it when a girl spends the night in my bed after we've done the deed, because I like the companionship, the pillow talk can be nice (which I don't initiate - ever - but it builds emotional bonds that are necessary for long-term commitment and compliance), and I usually get breakfast out of the deal. A classic win-win. The difference is that I never ask her to do it. I never tell her that's what I want. And when she asks to spend the night, I deny her a couple times before giving her permission and letting her borrow one of my t-shirts to sleep in. Surprise, surprise, she'll take the t-shirt home under the flimsy excuse that she wants to run it through the laundry for me as a courtesy, but I'd bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets that I won't see that shirt again until we break up and she drops it off as part of the post-breakup exchange of possessions.

Girls want to feel like they've earned your commitment, not that you've given it away for free, and so every aspect of your relationship that could be seen as an escalation of your commitment (e.g., taking her to doctor's appointments, walking her dog, courteously picking up her dry cleaning, etc.) must be done after she has expended a lot of effort and made a sufficient number of overt demonstrations of her femininity and willingness to serve you. Otherwise, her hamster will think you're giving away the store for free, and she'll think she doesn't have to work very hard to earn your tokens of commitment. 20 years later, you're wondering why you cut the lawn every Saturday just the way she likes it, but you're still getting bitched at for anything and everything and the only time she gives you a blowjob is on your birthday.

So to solve your problem you need to do the opposite. Finish sexytimes, then get up and go to the bathroom. Take a shower. Go into the living room and watch TV. Take your dog for a poop. Have a cigarette. Do anything except lay in the bed and cuddle up. Do this as much and as often as needed until she (a) flips out on you or (b) asks to spend the night. She'll likely do (a). Hold your frame. You said it's difficult for you to do, so start practicing in the mirror. Act like someone just told you the sky was green and practice a confused look in the mirror. Then, pause for dramatic effect, a few seconds at most. In a confused voice, slowly say, "What are you talking about? I was just going outside for a smoke."

Here's how it would look:

Finish sexytimes.
Get up to go to the bathroom.
Come back from bathroom, see fiance sitting in bed with an angry look as she watches your every move.
Get dressed.
Go to leave the room.
Her: "What's your problem?"
You: "Huh?"
Her: "You've been such an asshole lately."
You: "Babe, can this wait? I really need a cigarette....."
Her: "What, I'm not good enough for you anymore? After we have sex you're always leaving the room like the house is on fire!"
Your time to shine: (confused look) (pause for dramatic effect) "What are you talking about? I'm just going outside to have a cigarette."

THEN LEAVE. After a few more sexytimes of doing this, you'll notice she'll physically grab you to prevent you from leaving the bed and you can stay for a few minutes before leaving to have your smoke. The length of time you stay in the bed should slowly increase until she starts to fall asleep there on her accord, or until she asks you if she can spend the night. Problem solved.

JJBonesaw · 2014-09-05T19:40:27+00:00

It sounds like your getting shit test after shit test and you are not passing. You have to keep your abundance mentality and hold your frame. She needs to know if your not getting what you need you are able to leave. If things continue how they are she will either cheat or leave. READ THE SIDEBAR My advice to you is start spending time with other girls that will appreciate your time more than your LTR and see how things unfold

Misteralcala · 2014-09-06T04:26:05+00:00

After what you depicted, WHY would you still be engaged to her? Do you think things will improve or disintegrate after you're married? (hint: it won't 'improve'). It would be one thing to have a fiancee that was a little headstrong or moody, but she sounds manipulative, rude and downright disrespectful. I understand if you will call me a dick, an asshole or whatever else you want for saying that about your dear sweet fiance, but READ what you typed out, for fuck's sake!

All I have to say is thank ALL THAT IS HOLY that an engagement can be broken off with no legal repercussions, unlike a marriage. I'm sure she was a sweet girl when you met her, but look what she's devolved into from your lack of leadership! Can it be fixed? Possibly, if you man up. Or she may not want to give control of the relationship back to you and fight you every step of the way until you break. But really, do you even want to fight that fight now that you're engaged and she's about to be bridezilla?

BluepillProfessor · 2014-09-08T02:34:39+00:00

I have to agree with SomebodyCool. I am one of the most pro-marriage dudes on this entire blog and you would need a complete lobotomy if you married this person under these facts. It is mind boggling you could even consider it.

Shall we count the ways?

YOU ARE NOT EVEN MARRIED TO THIS PERSON AND ALL THE BAD BETA SHIT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED!!!

Fiancee is gaslighting about spending the night with betrothed. I smell a horrible stink. Are you sure she knows you are her fiancée?
"Fiancee is Shit Testing you into oblivion. Your attempts at frame control has failed because she is wilfully cracking you. She is doing this because of the simple rule of relationships. Whoever cares the MOST has the LEAST power. She has all the power BEFORE the wedding. It will grow 5 or 10 times WORSE AFTER the wedding. It will grow another 5-10 times worse after the first baby. You will be trapped and she will mine you for resources.
Fiancee is withholding sex. You know that joke about wedding cake? Or the one about the smiling bride? They are not jokes. They are absolutely true. You will be having sex twice month if you are lucky 3-months into any wedding.

Remember the old Lost in Space- that stupid robot: "Danger, Danger Will Robinson."

ALL women will do the above IF you let them. YOU MUST get to a point in your mind where you care more about ending her bitchy, bullshit behavior than you do about saving the relationship. You need to start the Dread- search some of my recent posts for the 11 stages of Dread. If you want to save this shitty relationship you describe follow it, build value, cultivate options.

And this:

I try hard to be OI but I'm always met with a "stop being so pouty" "awe are you gonna be mad now" "whatever, fine be like that".

IS NOT holding your bloody frame and it is not OI. When you are TRULY OI, when you can look her in the eye and say: "I am not mad at you but I am disappointed that you would use that tone of voice with me. I will not accept that any more and if you don't get a better attitude, you need to leave."

Most important, you need to be willing to end it. I am not saying that is what you TELL her- men DO, they don't TALK. I will bet the second you show her that you have other options she will turn around completely- but riddle me this: IF you really had other options would this person be your fiancée?

fluviant · 2014-09-08T12:51:16+00:00

This is without showing (or trying very hard) to show emotion. I get up and do something else or I'll just give her the silent treatment. Either way it always ends with me breaking frame somehow.

I'm sure you do this with the thought in mind that a man's best weapon in a relationship is to simply walk away. What I doubt you realize is that walking away or giving the silent treatment only works if executed from a superior position/position of power. Otherwise you come across as butthurt, and it erodes your frame hard.

Here's a bigger problem, though:

I try hard to be OI but I'm always met with a "stop being so pouty" "awe are you gonna be mad now" "whatever, fine be like that".

Strong disrespect. You're talking about "breaking frame" with her in your post, but it sounds like you don't even have a frame to break.

Most recently, we went to a sporting event and she got annoyed with me and told me to stop talking to her. I held out for 3 hours at the entire event not even looking at her when I eventually broke frame and talked to her. Guess who had to apologize? This shit is not easy, I need some guidance.

You pussy. Are you a man or what? Let her know that she needs you more than you need her. Breaking the silence makes you reek of weakness.

I need to take the power back and stop being overthrown by my first officer!

Bud, you are the first officer here.

Here's my two cents on how to turn this relationship in your favor:

Back off. Become more distant in your responses. Fewer words. More statements and assertions. Have an iPhone? Turn on read receipts and start using them as a means to say "I have acknowledged your message but don't care enough to respond."
As skeptical as I am of PUA shit, this video will give you an excellent insight on how to develop a more masculine, dominant voice. Use that downward-sloping tonality.
Treat her like a sex object in your interactions. A personal favorite of mine when a woman starts to try to give me shit is, "Shush, woman, and get on your knees." Expect a shit test. Always plow through. "There's no way you're getting a blowjob after that!" to which you respond, "You're so cute when you play hard to get." Even if it doesn't pan out, never walk away from the interaction when the last thing you said was submissive in nature. Lay the groundwork of dominance that she so seeks in her life.
Be her superior by displaying social dominance over her. This requires wit and savvy. Pound everything she says into the ground. Be relentless. Be unforgiving. Tease her. She knows that you're teasing because you're in a committed relationship with her. You have free reign to say whatever the hell you want to her, because your actions are what matter.
Lift. Start talking to (and openly flirting with) other women. Soft dread. Pick up a new hobby. Pursue it to great lengths.
Project more Amused Mastery with this woman.

Spiderjoy · 2014-10-12T04:07:00+00:00

Your own fiance doesn't sleep with you. Wtf man, this chick does not even desire or gives a fuck about you. Please don't marry her and ruin your whole life. You're not gonna get any sex after marriage and she's gonna nag u to death.

A proper women should be dying to fuck and sleep with you. And she'll sleep with you even if it makes her abit sleep deprived tommorow cause she wants you so badly. This is the type of women you shud marry.

stolidfact · 2014-09-05T20:06:25+00:00

No. You are demonstrating neediness, which surrenders your power. You can't do that. Communication in LTRs doesn't work by reason. By negotiating attraction and establishing boundaries. It works by raw motivation and doing shit. Meaning, your value is so high that she WANTS to spend all her time with you and please you because you make her feel that way. And/or because there's a negative feedback loop in the form of dread, where she knows that her nonperformance will not be tolerated not as a show or power but because you have options.

You're asking her to buy into your frame, and your frame is cheap commitment because you're being needy. Build the reward system to become more irresistible so she wants to come. And then she will come. And come.

Ralt · 2014-09-06T04:12:26+00:00

Me: Pick a weekday from now on where you'll come over after work and stay over for the night.

You shouldn't be doing anything. If you have a problem with how much attention she gives you initiate nothing. Don't even suggest that she should come over, and the first time she asks definitely say no. You are rocking a scarcity mentality and she can smell it from a mile away and is acting on it. It should speak volumes to you when you see how often she really wants to see you. You'll also get a good glimpse into her min based off of what happens when you refuse to see her, it will greatly indicate her interest in you in a way she would never tell you.

You're right, you are her bitch. She has you scared and panicked. What does a bitch act like though, like a literal bitch? A dog is loyal and obedient and relies solely on their owner for support. You've gotta unbitch yourself. By turning her down you would break the loyal & obedient patterns you've been displaying. When a master says come a dog comes, this not happening would flare in the face of the current power balance. To remove yourself from her support you need to not be expressing feelings to her. If you are having a tough time don't reach out, talk to friends or post here in TRP to work through something. By displaying a as low or lower level of interest you will be using your commitment like a weapon to get to the heart of the issue and what she feels about you.

lonGterMgoalS · 2014-09-07T20:38:37+00:00

Be busy on weekends and she won't have a choice....... if she wants to see you.

Whatever you do, don't marry this woman. Shit is bad and it shouldn't be.

Title	Spending more time with LTR
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	5
Comments	12
Date	September 5, 2014 7:32 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/2fkrol/spending_more_time_with_ltr/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/spending-more-time-with-ltr.20584 https://theredarchive.com/post/20584

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