As human beings we’re biologically conditioned to be averse to rejection and failure. It’s why we feel nervous when speaking in front of crowds, on first-–and sometimes multiple–-dates, or asking for that big promotion at work.

At the same time we’re constantly seeking rejection’s opposite–-validation–-whether it’s on social media, SOD, from co-workers, family members, lovers, etc.

The reason is simple: we evolved in tribes. Small tribes and bands of 20-30 individuals, huddling together against oblivion in the day to day struggle to survive.

Validation in these conditions–-whether praise for physical traits or skills–-reaffirmed our position in the tribe, and could often improve it. Rejection and failure, on the other hand, meant a loss of social status and other negative consequences: less food, fewer mating opportunities, and potentially, exile.

For example, suppose a young man continually brought home large animals because he was extremely accurate throwing a spear–-his status in the tribe would surely improve. The chiefs would likely grant him better sleeping quarters, a larger share of the food, and appoint him as a leader of future hunts. In addition, women in the tribe would see this success and find him more attractive as a mate.

But the reverse is also true. Suppose the same young man chose a poor spot to camp, his hunting party spent the night getting attacked by mosquitos, and they came back empty handed after a long day’s hunt. We can guess that it wouldn’t take too many of these episodes before his place in the tribe was diminished.

So our need to seek validation and our deep fear of rejection and failure makes perfect sense from an evolutionary standpoint.

The irony is that in modern society it’s just the opposite.

It’s not that validation doesn’t matter–-we’re still a meritocracy last I checked–-it’s just that most of the validation we seek lacks any tangible benefit. Getting likes on Facebook or Insta rarely confers any real value, and yet people spend countless hours posting photos, videos, memes, and GIFs complete with hashtags and flair and all the other bells and whistles so their followers will click that little heart at the bottom of the screen. In short, people who are not celebrities spend a lot of time and energy behaving as if they are and gain nothing for it.

As for rejection and failure, it almost never matters unless it’s publicly broadcast, and often not even then. When it comes to dating for example, what real harm is there if a girl doesn’t give me her number or flakes? None. It doesn’t mean other women will do the same, nor does it prevent me from meeting more.

It’s the same with applying for a new job or promotion. You don’t get it? Who cares. There are almost certainly other jobs, other positions, other promotions. And when it comes to starting a business, most successful entrepreneurs will tell you that they either failed many times before they flourished, or that it was a particular failure early on in the business that helped them right the ship.

And yet, the fear of rejection, the need for validation, drives so many of our interactions.

The danger is two-fold:

  1. With validation it’s that we get focused on the wrong things: social media, matching on SOD, beating video games, and/or altering our behavior to gain approval from others in the absence of any real benefit. In other words, it’s a time suck.
  2. With rejection and failure it’s that we forgo countless opportunities because we’re afraid of a boogie man who doesn’t exist–scared to death of something that 99% of the time carries no consequences whatsoever.

TL;DR--stop worrying about rejection or validation in the abstract or isolated instance. Instead, build processes and systems that are based on solid theory. Systems and practices are greater than results--especially in the short run.