Forever Girlfriend

Buckley92 · 2020-11-27T23:19:06+00:00

I would encourage you to take a step back. Understand that you both are changing individuals with constantly shifting needs and goals.

Start today as a clean slate for both of you. It actually doesn’t matter what you or him may have texted or emailed 1 year ago. What matters is how you both feel right now.

If this was a situation where you were clear and set in marriage even 5 years in, I’d tell you he was using you. But from your description marriage was never a priority until recently. Maybe an idea floated here and there, but not a priority.

Regardless of what was said before, where are YOU at now? Do you want to marry? Do you want to marry him? If so, that’s a very logical choice if he is as high value as you say he is.

Now part two. You need to get all your feelings and reasons together and tell him exactly how you feel. Schedule and plan a dinner around it. THIS IS NOT AN ATTACK. This should be an invitation.

“Babe I know this has come up here and there, but I’ve been thinking about it and marriage is important to me because...” I think women avoid this clear convo because they don’t want to hear the truth - that he would rather lose you than marry you, even after all these years.

I would ask him not even to respond but to think about it for a day. Then pick up the convo the next day.

Stop holding his past against him for things he may have mentioned once or twice. It doesn’t matter. If he wasn’t leading you on, it’s pretty clear he never wanted to marry, and you didn’t really care. Now you do, and that’s okay. But you need to really prepare yourself if you don’t get the answer you want.

If you force him or coerce him into marriage it will end very terribly for both of you. Float the idea, give him a chance to think about it. And this is super important -

Anything except a hell yes is a f*ck no. Accept your answer and don’t fight it.

We need to start appreciating it when when men tell the truth for once instead of leading us on and hurting us later. IMO his expectations at this point are clear - no marriage. I mean he yells it at dinner parties for goodness sake. No more wondering. As of now, this is your answer and from what you’ve written this was accepted behavior by you up until recently. If you ask him again and get rejected, please be prepared to leave if marriage is what you seek.

Do not create any ultimatums. They will bring you nothing but misery. If he says no you must walk. If you don’t your relationship will be toxic.

If you choose to stay, understand that he may leave you one day and you may have nothing to show for it. If you’re cool with breaking up in a few years and him moving on while you’re X years old needing to start over when you could have been working towards a marriage. If you think you can realistically deal with that and stay sane, go for it.

And if you stay be financially set 100%. If you haven’t protected yourself yet please do. Why build a home with a man who can leave you high and dry tomorrow with no legal protections to help you? Why sleep with a man who doesn’t care to protect you? Even from himself? A real HVM doesn’t put his love at risk. But maybe he doesn’t know that. Explain it once. Then the answer will follow. Remember. Anything other than a fck yes is a fck no.

w1tchyw0man · 2020-11-27T23:02:09+00:00

Hmm this might sound harsh but I'm a little confused by this. You start off saying you don't know how you feel about marriage, but talk about how you kind of resent him for not popping the question already. It sounds like deep down you do want marriage but may feel ashamed to admit this to him. If this is the case think about why this is? There's no shame in changing how you felt previously but you really need to let him know clearly what you expect moving forward with the relationship. Has he made you feel guilty for wanting this? Because if that is true, then that's a massive red flag

saint-jezebel · 2020-11-28T00:34:43+00:00

First thing I will tell you is to stop all talks of buying a house and dont even go further with the topic or process. You will regret it later on without marriage.

You are entitled to change your mind at anytime and if he doesnt like it then its his problem. I think you want marriage but youve put so many negatives on it (as stated in OP), that you think of marriage as a bad thing and its not. If his feelings are on never about marriage, but thats what you want, you will need to muster up the woman in you to leave and start over. As time goes on, if you settle for what he wants, you will resent it because you will be the forever girlfriend. When he brings it up, you should definitely tell him your mind has changed but if its not what he wants then you have to move on from here.

Sorry OP. Just because he is HVM to you, it doesnt mean he is for you.

Optimal_Grapefruit_5 · 2020-11-28T00:05:41+00:00

First of all, I'm genuinely sorry you're in this situation no matter how harsh I may sound.

I do believe you when you say you still don't know how to feel about marriage; I think what might've hurt more was him deciding for you and answering for the both of you, as well as his refusal to actually talk things out like adults. He shouldn't get to decide for you.
Whatever discussion you had at the beginning of your relationship doesn't count, because that's a honeymoon phase when men feel like they can say the wildest shit. Some may even think they mean that, but they are as drunk on attraction as you might have been. They say that stuff because you're just at the beginning so it's non-committal and pretty much just daydreaming together.

It's not just that he doesn't want a wedding, he doesn't want the whole marriage that follows. If he did, he would've brought it up as a serious option later your relationships and not just mentioned it during your honeymoon phase as something to fantasize about while infatuated. He assumed you didn't either 'cause neither of you brought that up again until the incident you described - and that was 4-4.5 years ago from the sound of it.
This is very much not a blissful relationship, I'm sorry, and it's never going to evolve. Your resentment is going to grow. You want to have at least the option of marrying and frankly he doesn't. I would just leave; I'd have left 4-4.5 years ago. Don't let this resentment fester any longer. He's real cozy but you're very much not.

I know you're on the fence about marriage and believe me, I used to be too. I actually used to be fervently against marriage for years. I'm not saying you have to want to get married, but I'm telling you from what you described you clearly want to have at least the option or well, a say in it that your boyfriend is denying you. You know what else your boyfriend is denying you? Objectively, all the legal and financial benefits of marriage. He won't even consider those despite the otherwise great relationship you seem to have. Is that fair?

LordDunderhead · 2020-11-28T05:54:42+00:00

I agree with everyone else here and want to add that I find it strange how you felt the need to preface how perfect and HV your boyfriend is, even "better than some husbands treat their wives". Very odd phrasing for someone who isn't interested in your dreams and clearly can't control his temper at a wedding party.

Don't waste your best years!

Title	Forever Girlfriend
Author	hotmailnerd
Upvotes	36
Comments	7
Date	November 27, 2020 10:00 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/k2amly/forever_girlfriend/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/forever-girlfriend.1067901 https://theredarchive.com/post/1067901

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