How to ask screening questions naturally in conversations?

MakeURegret · 2020-11-14T03:26:45+00:00

relationship status/history, intentions, ideologies, etc

At what point during the prescreening interview or date should I ask them?

Okay so this is your problem. That’s a lot of stuff to cover in an hour and a half!

If you actually covered all those topics in detail within the prescreen+first date it would seem like an interview.

Fds guideline is to wait 3 months before exclusivity, because it takes time to figure out all of this stuff. Also, even if you were somehow comfortable doing it interview style - people can tell when they’re being interviewed and just lie. So you shouldn’t figure out all this stuff in the beginning it takes time. How much time? About 3 months.

During those 3 months you’ll go on dates about once a week that are paid for by him. That’s about 12 dates if you do 1 date a week. During that time you’re still mingling and meeting other men. Other men which you will evaluate and compare him against.

Over 12 dates this stuff is just going to come up. There’s only so many times you can talk about the weather, and how many siblings you have. So it becomes natural then. So don’t try to force it all in one date!

As far as the first date you can pick one huge deal breaker of yours and ask about it on the first date. However, keep in mind that everyone is trying to be on their best behavior on the first date. If you ask a leading question, then he may just lie cause he knows what you want to hear.

For example if you ask: are you looking for a relationship? He knows then that you want a relationship and can easily say “yes” when all he wants is sex. Now that’s where the 3 months come in, because chances are he won’t invest that much money+time if he just wants sex, but then you’ll have wasted 1-2 months when you thought you’d screened that out.

If you instead ask: what are you looking for? It puts the question on the table without revealing your cards.

As far as the pre-screen I wouldn’t try to use that for ideological deal breakers. It can be hard enough to read people in person - so don’t ask any big questions then. The purpose of the prescreen is to see: 1. Can he make plans? “Let’s have a call next Tuesday @ 8p over FaceTime” = good. “Let’s have a call next week then” = vague and bad. This shows how future dates will be planned (hint: vaguely ugh).

Does he stick to his plans? He texts you morning of “still on for tn?” He texts you @ 7:50p “will call you in 10 minutes”/or calls you promptly @ 8p. = good.

“He blows you off/forgets to call” = bad - how many other plans will he forget/blow off?? (Hint: a lot)

Does he make an effort into his appearance? Is his hair wild, shirt ugly/stains, beard unkempt = bad. It’s not like this date was a surprise and don’t tell me you didn’t do your makeup and think about your hair and clothes girl, cause we know you did! So he should be doing the same.
Do you have chemistry? Sometimes you talk to someone and you’re both perfectly nice, but your sentences don’t have cadence. You can’t find a conversational rhythm. He talks about something you find weird or vice versa (everyone has that one weird hobby lol). This isn’t bad, but it is what it is and means you shouldn’t progress to a date. Note that this is different than just general awkwardness - it’s beyond that. You’re both that incompatible.
Any other behavior that’s a red flag. Whether it be “oh no wait hold on let me get my charger be right back” = bad lack of planning. Hear him yelling to a roommate = did he tell you he lived alone? Him trying to keep you on the phone for long and/or end super early = too interested/or just trying to get into pants with a little effort as possible. Does his videochat not match his pictures? = bad for lying and thinking he could get away with it lol.

The prescreen is just for the most obvious things. You don’t expect to learn anything valuable. For the prescreen you just expect to eliminate guys that you’d eliminate on a dinner date within the first 5 minutes.

That way when you do go on the dinner date, you already know you’ll be able to stomach at least the first 5 minutes with the guy.

All of this is stuff that you generally find out (esp the chemistry) when you meet a guy in person. When it’s online this is the equivalent substitute for that.

On mobile so please excuse any typos.

spikcicle · 2020-11-21T16:37:31+00:00

I don't think it's a good screening question for college-aged people. I actually don't love the idea of extensive screening questions either, because the only real way to assess people is by dating them over multiple months and watching their behaviors. So feel free to ask the big dealbreakers, but other than that, keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.

As far as the "What are you looking for?" question, I know FDS preaches to be very upfront about your intentions and make the guy do it as well, but I do think it's aimed at people in their mid-late 20s and older. This is simply my own observations but in college, I think a lot of people (men and women) are not really dating with the goal of a long stable relationship. Most people are dating more casually or to meet people. Others are dating to hook up. Sometimes people click and they decide to be in a relationship and that's how it happens. So honestly, I would just stop asking that question because the real answer for most (even if they don't know it consciously) is "casual but if I met someone I liked I would be interested in a relationship."

I tend to feel like people who are very hookups driven are easy to weed out, they opt for cheap dates and ghost you pretty quick if they don't get what they want. No harm done, as long as you don't fall for it (strong boundaries needed). I also feel like college-aged people who come out and say that they really are looking for a serious relationship raise a yellow flag for me sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. Why are they so desperate? Do they have issues? Are they going to be very clingy, codependent, or controlling? Kind of turns me off.

So sometimes it's better to be HV and date casually til you find someone where it clicks, instead of being really serious from the start. If you follow the FDS principles, you can take a casual dating situation and turn it into one where the guy is chasing you down for a relationship, provided you are HV from the start. I really like the book "Why men date bitches" in the FDS handbook for tips on this. Over the months of casual dating, it's your job to be high value and figure out if you actually like him and if he treats you exactly how you want to be treated (otherwise let that man go). The other downside to being so serious from the start (especially at your young age) is that you kind of lock yourself into a relationship mindset, you emotionally invest, and then it's actually much harder to walk away from bad behavior. Guys pick up on that, and they think you're locked in, that they can misbehave and not lose you, that they don't have to try anymore, etc. Always better to keep them working for it instead of being a safe bet.

Title	How to ask screening questions naturally in conversations?
Author	_cnz_
Upvotes	30
Comments	4
Date	November 13, 2020 12:48 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/jt778p/how_to_ask_screening_questions_naturally_in/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/how-to-ask-screening-questions-naturally-in.1068179 https://theredarchive.com/post/1068179

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