I don't feel anything towards HVM

16February2021 · 2021-04-11T13:04:21+00:00

You’ve only been untethered for 3 weeks. I’m curious why you are meeting up with some rando instead of focusing on yourself. It’s a nice sentiment that he will “wait for you” I guess but you could be doing literally whatever you want instead of wasting time when you don’t even want a relationship. He should have backed off when you said you aren’t ready and also you shouldn’t be hanging out with him if you’re just going through the motions. You don’t exist to augment men’s egos by giving them your time and attention. Give yourself permission to say no, and then say it.

pretty_kill · 2021-04-11T15:34:00+00:00

I feel like him saying he will wait for you is a trick to keep him on your mind while you’re working on yourself. It’s best not to put energy on the side to someone else. And imo 3 weeks is kinda early to be dating again after ending a 2 year relationship, especially if you lived with him.

ASeaOfQuotes · 2021-04-11T16:05:04+00:00

This was a nice reminder that you are worthy of attention, romance, and affection. But you are also realizing now is not a good time for you to be dating.

The best thing you can do is just be honest, let him know you’ve appreciated your time together but you need to focus on yourself, and that you will not be contacting him further. I’m not saying you have to block him now, but don’t put mental or emotional energy into trying to sustain a friendship or anything else. At best, he can be an acquaintance, but do not meet him and if he starts pressuring you for a timeline that is disrespectful and you block him then.

You’ve just come out of a heavy relationship and you should be proud of yourself for recognizing what a jerk your ex was. Now is the time to work on yourself, to build yourself up. It can mean different things for different people, but whatever sacrifices you were making because of your ex, you can now start giving to yourself. Time, empathy, savings, peace of mind, exercise, food, self-love, whatever it is for you, put your focus into that. You’ve got this.

ms_monquis · 2021-04-11T19:02:00+00:00

I know that one of the first things most of us want to do when we leave a long relationship is to get someone to reaffirm our desirability ASAP. But...it's not a good idea.

I'm not even a little surprised that you aren't feeling it with a new guy. You gotta heal, and someone else isn't going to heal you. There's this term, "decathexis." You might enjoy reading up on it, but in short, when you've invested in a relationship, or a person, or a lifestyle, and that gets removed, you aren't instantly no longer invested. It takes a while to wind all those tentacles back to yourself — normal and healthy! This is why everyone says you need to take time between relationships. This isn't some rando morality judgment, it's a for-real psychological necessity! People who trapeze from one relationship to another tend to harbor more bitterness etc. because of what their psyche feels is unfinished business. Instead of giving the inevitable holes time to fill in and heal, they just stuff someone else into the space.

Finishing your business in a case like this just means taking the time to rediscover who you are, reestablish your goals and priorities, get your feet fully under you. In 2 years, you've changed, even if you weren't in a relationship — and 2 years IN a relationship definitely changes a person. Not even suggesting that's good or bad, it's just truth — you had a different lifestyle with that person than you will without that person.

You not only deserve the time and space to feel fully whole again, you need it. We all do, when something ends, no matter how it ends. Within 3 weeks of ending a 2 year relationship, you shouldn't even be looking at other men. And you FOR SURE shouldn't be dating when you know yourself that you don't want to be. You don't have to date right now! Give yourself that permission! Love on yourself, love on your friends, get elbow-deep in that hobby you felt like you never had time for. This is prime YOU time, and you can come away from this better than ever.

WildTenderness · 2021-04-11T23:32:42+00:00

You can't know that he's a HVM, it takes at least 6 months.
Physical attraction is a relevant and valid when it comes to general attraction.
After starting to internalize FDS, I lost a lot of my "cravings" for men and physical attention. You're teaching yourself that you are a valid person outside of relationships, this is good. Upon finding the right person when you're emotionally ready, those feelings will be hard to miss, I promise!

lucidlotus · 2021-04-12T06:14:09+00:00

Great comments here, but I also want to add that not every HVM will be the HVM for YOU. Don’t overthink it. It’s also way too early at this point to call him a HVM.

Title	I don't feel anything towards HVM
Author	16February2021
Upvotes	26
Comments	9
Date	April 11, 2021 9:25 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askfds/comments/monwop/i-dont-feel-anything-towards-hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/i-dont-feel-anything-towards-hvm.1629323 https://theredarchive.com/post/1629323

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