Seeing posts about happy relationships makes me feel oddly jealous

Foomama48 · 2021-06-04T13:36:37+00:00

Listen, half the couples I know posting about their relationship are either miserable, someone is cheating, or they have gone through challenges and come out the other side. My last relationship looked like we were in heaven on social media, but lots of challenges that took us down behind the scenes. And yeah, I know couples who are amazing and post on social media…..but my point is you can’t take that stuff to heart. It’s imagery, snapshots but not the whole story. Absolutely no one on earth can prove you are lovable - if you don’t feel you are, then a relationship will only magnify that with insecurities. You have to take the steps to change and grow in whatever we ways you feel you need to. Nothing you mentioned defines you unless YOU define yourself that way. You don’t have to work your ass off to be worthy of love, you just have to do what you think is needed for you to love and be proud of yourself. Nobody can do that for you but you.

AcadiaLeather5071 · 2021-06-04T12:26:52+00:00

Oh my dear 😪 your post. I just can't :(

I feel i could almost touch your sadness.

Really I emphatised fully for you.

Warning: this is a LONG POST. I really feel for you.

First of all, it's totally normal to feel what you feel. We are all human and crave others to 'acknowledge' us be it from via status, income, job, or even health.

I think you already know that hoping for 'society' (i.e. other ppl) to 'acknowledge' you is futile. But you still crave it. And it's totally normal to feel that way. Hence this internal conflict = your confusion.

But. There's a big reminder here too. 99.9% what you see out there in social media, those so called 'happy couples', those shiny happy people, ... it's still 'curated'. Of course they will put the best version of their life.

Be it for their own validation, or to induce jealousy, who knows. Only 0.0001% that will put themselves in their worst form on social media.

I know yes this will not make you feel any better.

But I must repeat myself again and again. And I apologise for this repeated mantra of mine: when we're at our low mental state, we tend to romanticise things/ person we don't have / long the most.

Why? Simply because you're mentally in pain and your mental being is trying its best to sooth itself.

The easiest way to sooth itself is by an imagination, a more 'ideal' version of you, by having those imaginary hypothetical wonder of job/man/status acknowledgement you long for.

I'll give you an analogy. If you touch a hot steaming bowl of soup by mistake, you'll instantly pull your hands away.

If you're crying because of cutting onion, you'll instantly stop and try to wash your eyes with water. Anything to stop the pain.

This is the mental state you are in right now. To stop the longing i.e. pain you have, you crave these acknowledgement.

I won't say what you need to do because I'm sure you know already. No magic bullet.

And I'm sure you already doing your best on applying jobs (I remember your post recently about getting an interview) + getting your mental + physical health on track.

All of those shiny ppl, they have problems too as you already know. Of course they won't show it on social media.

Those job? Income? Status? Sure. It'll make you content for awhile. But at the end, it's only validation from yourself that will fulfil you. Not the society. 100% I can guarantee you.

How do I know this? Because while I'm at the similar not so optimal mental state, I remember all my so-called life achievement.

All the things I could buy and travel to. With my fancy job, car and house and luxuries. A husband, a dog. And I still woke up in the morning until 2.5 years ago, is this all there is to life?

My Acadia, please don't despair. I know this is harder said than done. But You will get to where you want to be. Mentally and physically.

You already put in the effort and you acknowledge your feelings. And you admit where you are currently right now.

That's a HUGE achievement in itself. At the same time, this is the solid foundation you already put for yourself for the long journey ahead.

Progress is never linear. It has ups and downs. And you admit it yourself!.

Guess what, I'm also unemployed (mostly by choice but also my unresolved mental problem), and my physical state is not great. My mental health is in the worst state I've ever been.

From my own fault, I kept chasing $$, all those unnecessary purchases and distraction by travel, and in a lonely marriage. At the end, those didn't 'fulfil me.

I didn't do what you did. Acknowledge, sit with the feeling, nop. I kept on ignoring it. Didn't confide to anyone.

At the end, my mental health crumbled and I'm still paying the price now almost 3 years later

But, this is a feeling we all have. It will pass as it is not permanent but it will keep popping its head at times. You've done the right thing. Admit, ask and sit with the feeling.

Don't forget pandemic affect everyone and our economy! Jobs are scarce and hard to get.

But you my dear, you have persisted and you admit your feelings. This is the solid path to get to where you want to be.

You are brave and you acknowledge that if you don't get those acknowledgement you'll be ok. You will be!!

My DM is open for you anytime you need to reach out.

Ok Acadia. Rest well and one day at a time please 🌷.

P:S i actually been wondering about you since I noticed your posts are scarce the last few days . What are the odds!

Colour_riot · 2021-06-04T13:49:24+00:00

I know you say that you love yourself, but I don't think you really do. This is not a jab at you - in fact I struggle with a lot of the same things that you mentioned; some days I do a good job at loving myself and somedays I want to scream "why am I like this".

Here are some observations:

You're not accounting for the fact that your circumstances and you will change. In fact, everyone's circumstances can change at a moment's notice. When we're in a bad funk, we think that who we are and where we are at are static and won't change for the rest of our life. If you have depression, you very firmly believe that and you basically discount all your future happiness potential away, and if you keep thinking that way, it can lead to depression (from personal experience). Good can change to bad, and bad can change to good (although you'll need to work on that).
Yes, there is a premium to those stats that you mention. But I think the question then is, when is it enough? The answer isn't either to downplay and not chase those things either. You should chase them. But you need to disconnect them from your self worth. So why is it being connected to your self worth in the first place?
You're comparing. It's human and it's also really unhealthy. Watch this Ted Talk by Amy Morin (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFbv757kup4 ), all of it is worth watching but watch 10:53 and note what she says about comparing. It makes us have unhealthy beliefs about other and we judge them about either being worse off or better than us, and then use that basis to be happy or sad.

If you can get access to a counsellor, you should speak to them about these. The following things will also help:

Choose yourself. This means to love yourself. Stop beating yourself up for everything you did wrong and move on. There's a quote "if you love yourself, you are choosing life". When I have stressful periods, I become highly critical of everything, including myself. I try to catch myself and write down everything today that I did right, no matter how small (ie. drank enough water today / worked really hard)
Everyday, remind yourself that you have worth. Just that statement. You don't have worth "because" of anything. Not even for being "supportive, kind, and funny". You just do. If it helps, I believe you have worth, and I think the most of the FDS community would feel the same way

The above may sound stupid, but our brains are really good at latching on to a narrative that supports that this is reality. If it's an extreme statement, it's most likely something you are creating. Choosing yourself, refusing to beat yourself up, and reminding yourself that you have worth turns your mind away from the negative beliefs about yourself and others. And then you can actually be productive in creating the life you want

kittycakes22 · 2021-06-04T14:00:38+00:00

Get your life together and things will fall into place.

Title	Seeing posts about happy relationships makes me feel oddly jealous
Author	AcadiaLeather5071
Upvotes	67
Comments	5
Date	June 4, 2021 11:12 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askFDS
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/ns2lsq/seeing_posts_about_happy_relationships_makes_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/seeing-posts-about-happy-relationships-makes-me.791829 https://theredarchive.com/post/791829

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