What do y'all think I need to do--I am using a throwway cause my old lady reads my emails and checks my internet usage

Years after marriage. My nice little wife would just get angry. At first I would just keep it inside and not say much. I would get dragged into some strange argument with my her. I have memories of her face with a look of anger and mean spirit in my mind. The little signals and insight to my fast forward 4 children, a house with the fence, cars and the rest. No we did not hit the big times financially. In fact we are deep into President Obama debts. Finances are killing me. Talking about killing. Puts me back on tract with why I am putting a few lines of what my life is now. Just about every Sunday for the past several years I go to church with my sweet son, sons and wife. Usually just a few steps before I get into the sanctuary my head is spinning.

My little wife and I usually get into some of that anger and hate face conversations, but more recently-give or take a couple of years. My wife says the most terrible of words-I am leaving you, you are getting booted out soon, the papers work is on the way and on and on. The very last head spinning words I cannot deal with is her saying why do you not die. I wish you were dead. If I could just #$%, and then she and her walk into church. Now I am not such a perfect man. I have punch line. I have the very best timing.

I can bring it on, but I cannot build enough courage to say such a thing to my wife or anyone. I have said to my dear little one that saying such a thing is terrible and that a human being cannot wish that for anyone else in the world. She sees to hear me say this and is able to block it out. For several yeas now she uses her body to hurt me. In fact now there is just no sexual relationship at all. She sleeps with my sons. I say to her she is committing incest. Like I said before. I can bring it on. There is no incest at all. Well. I am up early.

My sleep is all over the place. I do not sleep well at all. I am angry. I am depressed. I cannot even get my eyes to water anymore. This is so bad that it does not hurt at all. I see my boys and feel sorry for them. I feel sorry for I can now see the into the future. This is my second time around. My fist wife left me. I have taken the counseling with my wife. All I got form the therapist is you need to take this drug. You are a sick man. Believe you me I swallowed that pill. My wife was happy to point out that I am the problem.

I continued the therapy for some time. The therapist continued to say to me in person to my face that I have narcissism all over my face. I just could not swallow that unless I use some sugar to drink that pill. It is morning time. It is spring time. I like spring. I love to see the seasons, but at home there is only one season. It is always dark, cold, clammy and deep silence. I try not to say much. I enter my house with a smile thinking this day the sun will shine in my life, but it never does. I wait for my wife to serve me with those damned papers, but in the words of my therapist "You are already divorced." I still wait for a ray of light. I stand by and wait. I do not have the man power to ask for a divorce. I just cannot do it. Weather she ever will believe me or not. I love my little one. I love our family. My God grant me peace. May my little one wake up and see the green grass is just a mirage.