Come up with a plan...

Rian_Stone · 2018-09-17T14:53:04+00:00

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helaughsinhidden · 2018-09-17T17:24:10+00:00

Ah yes, I remember you. It's a good plan you have here, but I think she is going to probably get super pissed and turn on you once she realizes you don't want to be the betabux anymore.

Couple questions.

How is your frame, seriously?
This seemed to be the elephant in the room as she didn't really respect anything you were saying and treating your authority as if you simply aren't important. Divorce with kids involved doesn't mean the end of disrespect or shit tests, how are doing with regards to passing them?
What have you realistically done to try to assert your leadership?
This is still going to be a key factor in your relationship and to raise a child up properly. Kid need fathers to be alpha even more than the women do. This will become more difficult from a different house from a woman you have rejected.
Are you still looking at your family like a small business that has to watch pennies?
I recall you had a disobedience issue with your daughter and were explaining the cost and waste of tearing up a book. Teaching a child to listen and obey hasn't anything to do with petty things like the cost of a book, but everything to do with teaching them how to be responsible, respectful, well adjusted, and to understand social hierarchy. Much of your complaints of the wife are about expenses too. Why are you so petty and superficial? Why are you down playing the importance of a male leader? Are you avoiding it or do you not believe it yourself?
Why haven't you asserted dominance in the childcare vs get a job front?
Forgive me for making light here, but this seems easy. I will concede that you can't make her work, but you could certainly call up the nursery and cancel services and announce to her that she will now handle those responsibilities on her own. If you are afraid of her now (you clearly ARE), what makes you think this will change if you move out? You don't think she KNOWS you are afraid?
Are you ready for her to switch gears?
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn" You don't have frame yet, you don't seem to have attempted to lead, your boundaries are shit and not followed, and you want to sneak list the house and sell her betabux castle from under her feet, send her to her parents, then divorce, cancel the nursery, and you somehow think she's gonna just take this like you are still friends? She will try to upend everything and rightfully so. You have shown very little to imply you are anything but a cowardly pushover that dreams of knowing who he is outside of her frame.

You gotta start owning your shit now. This plan you got probably sounded good in your head and would work for a lot of people in a lot of circumstances, but unless I am missing some really big events in your absence, I don't think you are that guy and your wife isn't going to be that woman. Not yet anyway.

ChadwickChadington · 2018-09-17T15:20:38+00:00

Is getting her to increase her contribution your preferred outcome, and you'd divorce if a good effort fails? Or is setting up for divorce your preferred outcome and you'd only reconsider if she surprises you?

In either case, you've only been turning things around for 6 months, so you may not yet be wise enough to evaluate precisely your a and b conclusion that you'll always be a 'betabux to her and that it would require an amount of effort fair beyond the value of it to pull her mutinous, bitchy, lazy ass along with me'.

Maybe you're right, or maybe with more work on yourself, leadership skills and advice from the forum it wouldn't be so much effort. But if that's not even your goal, then there's no point discussing it.

Your post is a bit confusing on what you're trying to achieve. You go from saying you're 90% sure you'd be happier apart, then you'd give a let's be friends talk followed by the problem maybe she'd realize you won't betabux for her; then you start the next paragraph with "if I was single" followed by "she has to decide", what's she deciding about if you're now single at this part of the plan?

The_Litz · 2018-09-17T15:40:29+00:00

Your plan is slightly confusing.

Are you hoping the separation will wake her up to the good thing she is messing up? Covert contract.

Or is it a baby step for you to get to your goal of being single?

Your plan for living your life as a single person and a single income sounds good, but I am unsure how she fits in.

Am I understanding that you want to leave the backdoor open for her tontag along even though she adds little value?

lionmenden · 2018-09-17T19:21:32+00:00

I know you're working hard, and your plan makes sense to you, but this is a fucking mess. Your decision to stay married or divorce is predicated on Brexit. You are expecting her to turn 180* in 6 months out of a 4 year marriage. Your plan is logical, but your wife is not. Your plan is long term, but you need short term goals and measures.

First, have you fixed yourself? Can you go to a pub and get a girl to go home with you in an hour? Would you tell said girl to knock it off if she started acting like a bitch, or would you put up with her behavior like you do your wife? Are your wife's friends jealous of her for having you as a husband? If the answer to these is no, you're not ready to throw ultimatums or even make a decision on whether your wife is leadable and good wife material, because you are not ready to lead.

it would require an amount of effort

This is your problem. You realize it will take effort. It's easier to divorce her. Guess what, next girl, same issues, because you haven't fixed yourself.

bitchy, lazy ass

You not only allowed this, you enabled it by letting her not work, not take care of her kid, and still have a bed to sleep in. You need to fix whatever part of you is afraid to tell her to cut this shit.

Once you do that... once you do that, and you know you can replace her, and she knows you can replace her, and her friends hint that they're surprised you haven't replaced her, and you've given her time to accept and process that and make corrections in her behavior....

You fix house, kid, and wife by saying:

"I make the money, I will make and be responsible for the financial decisions. We are selling this house and buying something cheaper in a better school district." End, no justification required.

"My kid will not be raised by daycare. I have cancelled it. From now on you're a stay at home mom." Or maybe you prefer she work, this is personal preference. But she either gets a job or takes care of the kid. "Don't like it? If you want to leave, you know where the door is."

Talk to a lawyer, I don't know the laws in your country, but they will help you with logistics. Improve yourself. You should see her very slowly improve. It will be frustratingly slow. If you improve to the point you can replace her and she refuses to improve at all, skip the ultimatums and do what your lawyer says, because she's a lost cause. If she improves even 10% of what you want, keep going. When you hit the point you know you can say the words "if you want to leave, then leave" then go for it, or just hit the lawyer and divorce her. You're 2 years away, by my totally uninformed guess. Good luck.

MrChad_Thundercock · 2018-09-17T15:23:38+00:00

You do sound like a good catch for someone looking for a “sweet betabux”. I think you’re right- she will always see you as such.

Good progress. Glad to see you finally owning your shit.

RedPill-BlackLotus · 2018-09-17T19:02:52+00:00

You never really know the woman you married untill you divorce her.

Your plan sounds solid. Your 100% sure this plan will move you closer to where you want to be? Most of the time men here (new men) play the divorce card in a failed attempt to hurt their wives because their words have zero effect while in their wives frame. You have only been at this for 6 months, you are not one of these guys right?

Title	Come up with a plan...
Author	raywinstonsaysyouwot
Upvotes	8
Comments	12
Date	September 17, 2018 2:42 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/9gkw5b/come_up_with_a_plan/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/come-up-with-a-plan.204011 https://theredarchive.com/post/204011

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