A little lost

HDThoreauaway · 2014-05-27T23:30:37+00:00

First of all, stop blaming your parents, your childhood, abuse you've suffered. You are today who you are today, and what came before is out of your control. All you can control is what you do now. Set that past stuff aside. I'm not saying you don't have a right to be hurt by that. It's your life -- you have a right to do whatever you want to yourself. But if you want to be confident, dwelling on the past -- or, worse, giving it control over how you think of yourself today -- is not going to help you.

Confidence is really tricky. Something that's often missed by people trying to gain confidence is that it's not something that you earn by doing things like getting fit or learning some impressive skill. Confidence is, plain and simple, believing in yourself.

Now, being attractive, or knowing how to cook, or being able to lift heavy objects or knowing nine ways to kill someone with a paperclip might make your confidence more justified, which is usually a plus and definitely helps people become confident. Those things will also, in and of themselves, make you more impressive, attractive, charismatic, etc. But there are plenty of talented, good-looking people who aren't confident, and plenty of confident, ugly, useless people.

So if confidence doesn't come from those things, where does it come from? Confidence is a skill like any other. You need to practice it. And like any other practiced skill, if you're just starting out, you'll need to practice it in little bursts. And it'll be frustrating sometimes how little progress you feel like you're making. But you'll get there.

So how do you do that? What are some first steps? Well, start by believing that you appear confident.

Don't believe that? Then practice looking confident until you can truly believe you look confident. Sit and stand up straight, and don't fidget. When you talk, speak low in your register, and speak slowly. Pay attention to what you do with your hands -- practice keeping them by your sides, or folded in front of you in formal situations. When you talk to people, don't apologize for things reflexively. Don't tell people you're nervous, or that you thought something you did didn't go well.

Above all, don't try doing these things all at once all at the same time. That would be like going to the gym for the first time, and then trying to work your arms, back, shoulders, and abs all at the same time. Just pick one of those things, and work it into your routine. Practice all day, whenever you talk to people. When you don't feel confident, pay extra attention to your body language and make sure you're still showing the new, confidence-projecting trait. Eventually, it will become habitual, and even when you don't feel confident, that won't come through.

Getting these habits into place might take a while -- a month, or two, or more. Stay with it. Don't get frustrated. When you accomplish this, even when you're in a moment where you're having a crisis of overall confidence, you can know that you don't come off that way. This will give you tremendous strength.

While you're learning to believe in the appearance you're presenting, or afterwards if you don't want to focus on too much at a time, do a personal audit of your skills and areas for growth. What are you good at? What are you bad at that you wish you could improve? Actually take out a piece of paper and write those things down. Circle the ones that matter the most to you on both lists. For the ones you're bad at, without beating yourself up over it, objectively make a plan to get better at those things. If they're nebulous and squishy, come up with ways of stating them that you can measure your progress against.

For the things you circled that you're good at, you'll want to figure out how to do those things better, too -- but things you're good at that matter a lot to you are great places to derive confidence. Find ways to go out and do those things. Are you a good reader? Go read to kids. It sounds like you're getting in good shape -- summer's coming up (in the northern hemisphere anyway) -- go join a kickball league. (Socially anxious and worried about mingling with other people? Sounds like a great way to force yourself to get better at talking to people.)

Above all, and this goes for every single step along the way: you have to get good at forgiving yourself, in real time, as you screw up. You're going to mess up. Everybody does. You're going to have setbacks. Learn from them, and move on. One of the biggest differences between confident people and unconfident people is that confident people know that a mistake -- or the hundreds and thousands of mistakes we make in our lives -- are a learning opportunity, and nothing more. They do not reflect on who you are as a person. And frankly, for most mistakes or embarrassing moments, five minutes later you're going to be the only one who remembers or cares. Why waste energy carrying that around?

I hope this helps.

TL;DR: Nope, sorry. Read it.

RPthrowaway123 · 2014-05-27T21:21:05+00:00

I recommend reading no more Mr nice guy. It will help you begin dealing with those tendencies you have and set forth an actual, actionable plan for changing yourself.

Keep in mind that there are no magic answers. You have to find the way forward for yourself. But the book is a great place to start.

TheJohnDough · 2014-05-27T20:27:14+00:00

Have you thought of becoming a writer? Or maybe just write in a diary

pleasedontknowme30 · 2014-05-27T20:37:49+00:00

General question, and not knocking you at all. Do you get any enjoyment, at all, from being submissive to people, or women? You mentioned cuckolded...I have always understood that term where a man consents and accepts that his wife/gf is fucking other men and they are ok with it, and do not receive anything really in return.

It sounds like you have lived a life of a submissive type nature and if you truly don't like it and want to break out of the mold, you really need to start doing the types of things that either don't allow you to be submissive, or something that will allow you to stand up for yourself.

Do you ever attend what you might consider "safe places" where you might not feel the threat of comparisons, aggression, etc...? Sounds like whatever you do, start slow, start small and build. You can't jump into anything to striking or you will fall back down.

What kinds of things are you doing where you are being confronted so often? It reminds me how in the movies the guy keeps getting picked on, and picked on, and told he is worthless..unless one day, despite the consequences or embarrassment..he just snaps and tells someone like it is, or punches someone, or does something that lets HIMSELF know he has it inside him to change, to become better. To show confidence. Maybe what you need to do, is in the next confrontation...despite whether someone might punch you, yell at you, or whatever...just stand up for yourself, that 1 time. Don't back down. Even if you are shaking and everything in your mind and body screams at you to back down, cower, run to that bathroom like a 4 year old...NO, you stand the fuck up, you look at that person in the eye...and you tell them. "FUCK YOU".

Title	A little lost
Author	yourenogood
Upvotes	17
Comments	19
Date	May 27, 2014 8:12 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/26muho/a_little_lost/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/a-little-lost.140015 https://theredarchive.com/post/140015

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