Am I a completely lost cause?

Hello TRP,

I'm a lost 32 years old male who's on the verge of totally give up on life.

I'll start my story by saying that during my youth I always was the lonely kid. Never had much aptitudes for making friends, never had more than one at a time. Needless to say, it was even harder with girls who usually avoided me as much as possible.

Thanks to MSN messenger (at the time it was hype) I finally interested one girl when I was 18. Internet enabled me to reveal myself for what I am inside without revealing much the peculiar coating. Luckily we both lived in the same city, and we met a few month later. Against all expectations the relation took off, and we stayed together for almost 6 years.

We were both living at our parents' houses at first, mostly seeing each other on weekends and keeping electronic links (phones, SMS). We lost both our virginity to each others at that time, and at first the physical/sexual relationship was pretty compelling as we were both discovering our sexuality anytime we could. (still living at our parents' at this time, it wasn't the easiest...).

And when I got my Engineer degree and landed a nice job we decided to move in together. She was still a student for two more years. We lived together for almost both these years, but it felt wrong pretty fast, as she was very reluctant to have intimate relation.

Even though we slept in the same bed every night during these two years, we only had sex 9 times. Yes, 9 times... And I wasn't for a lack of trying on my parts. I did almost everything I could think of to instil sexual desire: the romantic evening with diner candle and rose petals, the princess day with everything taken care of to get her in the mood, the stripper show from my part, etc. She always had a good excuse (too much school work, midterms, stress exams, or simply the headache...)

As you can imagine I grow more and more frustrated, living with the woman I was madly in love, having her by my side every night, but not being able to get any... Trying to discuss to understand what was wrong didn't work, we even tried couple counseling but she never opened up. That's why I finally gave up, moved out and cut ties. I was hurt really bad, I loved her so much, I would have done anything for her.

I was 23 back then, and to this day I still have no clue why she stayed with me in that relationship when I obviously didn't attracted her anymore, at all. Anyway, I stayed alone for a while, and after a year tried to meet other women.

That's when It became really bad and the reality of "myself" struck me: I had absolutely no idea how to meet another women. I'm still the same lonely kid who has all the difficulties in the world to make a friend, and it's not attractive to any women.

I'm not ugly, but I'm bellow average, tall and massive (but not really fat) thus every attempt on dating sites, where pictures and looks is the primary criteria, failed. I can't count all the money I spent on these dating websites for absolutely no success: it goes usually well during the first few mails, but it never survive the first phone calls or first date. I am broken, unable to communicate like a normal person...

So here I am, 9 years after my breakup, 9 years of complete loneliness, 9 years without a hug (other than my mom's when I go visit her, yeah pathetic), 9 years of complete dry spell (not that my sex life was really fulfilling before that anyway...). By your standard I'm not a beta nor a delta, but an omega male.

You try to convince yourself that you can live like that, you try to get happiness wherever you can (work, hobbies, sports, cars... and since last year in food), there's always a time when you snap and cry yourself to bed, alone, not even with a friend to talk to.

I tough about a therapy, but I think I'm too far gone. I lake all the basic abilities to live in society. I knew since I'm 19 that my high IQ/low EQ will be somewhat challenging, the psychiatrist that tested me warned me as well...

Now I think I am reaching a tipping point, and last year I totally gave up. Stopped the sport (judo), stopped taking care of my appearance (beard and hair uncut for the last year) jeans and Tshirt on regular basis, finally let myself enjoy the food as compensation (dopamine rush). Since a few month I try to figure out what's the best scenario to end my life painlessly, how can I do it without making any wave for others and especially my mother, started a subscription on funeral insurance so my mother won't end-up paying for it... I'm not ready yet to act on that thoughts, though.

Not sure what I'm really looking for here, so I'll stop my ranting here, and let the bashing begin.