Am I being too stoic?

a_nus · 2016-06-27T17:57:37+00:00

You were doing okay until the last text. You weren't being too stoic. Quite the opposite, you literally admitted your feels were hurt by her not showing up.

Being stoic doesn't mean being serious. That's a mistake I see a lot in these subs. Being stoic means not being affected by stupid things. Things like a girl not showing up to the gym when she said she would. You can laugh, smile, use "lol", what ever, and still be stoic so long as you demonstrate you don't give a shit about trivial stuff.

Apexk9 · 2016-06-27T15:54:25+00:00

You showed weakness at the end

McCoop_ · 2016-06-27T16:16:55+00:00

Thanks for posting, this question provides a good example of the problems faced when texting for more than logistics. We establish our frame predominantly in person. When we read other people's texts, we tend to interpret things based on our expectations of the other person. We read their words through the same filter with which we view the other person.

Tone and intention is inferred by the reader. You may read her texts and make excuses for her if you like her, where as a third party might say she simply is not interested. Stoicism works well in person because they can look at your body language and hear your tone. A text message is at the mercy of the readers perception. In this case she either thinks you really are salty, or she's playing with you to see how you respond.

Usually your friends and other close people can understand your texts much more clearly because they have spent more time with you. My sense of humour can come across as mean in a text if you didn't know me but when you are face to face and you see me grinning you can tell I'm just messing with you. Once you have built a solid frame in person they will read your texts appropriately. Similarly if you have poor frame in person your texts can be read with a negative tone.

If you have developed a strong image asking a girl out could be viewed as bold. If you have a weak image asking the same girl out can be seen as creepy or annoying. The way this girl has acted and responded means she might not be into you. She isn't overly interested and seems to expect you to put in all the effort of chasing her. She says you should have texted her to remind her where as an excited girl would not have forgotten. I think this ship has sailed; I would recommend moving on to the next one but remain polite if you see her around. Hope I touched on what you were asking. Good luck.

Kenny_Twenty · 2016-06-27T17:58:46+00:00

You're playing a role rather than internalizing.

You're faking it.

red-pill-questions · 2016-06-27T18:18:17+00:00

You "messed up" by communicating too much.

I only communicate when i want a crazy ex to let go of me and move on.

nastynickdr · 2016-06-27T18:20:05+00:00

You engaged her hamster at the end. You showed her that you were actually mad. No, not too stoic. Being mad for this shows you dont actually have outcome independence / abundance mentality. You were just faking it.

her: "You always make mean comments and I don't understand what I've done wrong"

you: "Guess im just a mean dude"

If there is a next time for a "meet at the gym", or whatever thing you are going to do together, you frame it like it "Hey, im going to the gym tomorrow at 7am, you should tag along". This way doesnt matter if she goes or not, you are going to go and do your shit anyways, and its not a "date".

2comment · 2016-06-27T18:45:12+00:00

So you initiate the texts about her missing the lifting and end it with:

her: "You always make mean comments and I don't understand what I've done wrong"

me: "I don't enjoy when we have plans and they fall through"

Where's the stoicism?

There's no problem with calling girls out on their shit, but let them come to you and you rub their faces in it. Next time she doesn't show up, within 5-10 minutes, get on to your own workout, help another (girl) with their form or whatever. Move on. You're showing your time is too valuable for her typical girly bullshit flaking to affect you.

Initiating texts about it and ending it that way shows the opposite and gives her the power.

Title	Am I being too stoic?
Author	iSwallowedTRP
Upvotes	4
Comments	17
Date	June 27, 2016 3:42 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4q3zbf/am_i_being_too_stoic/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/am-i-being-too-stoic.107514 https://theredarchive.com/post/107514

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