So there's this girl I've been "friends" with for a little over a year now. I met her last summer and found out she practically lived next door to me. I got her number and tried to make something happen with her only to find out she had a boyfriend. Keep in mind, this is all before I swallowed the pill.

Anyways, I hung out with her, her friends and boyfriend for a good part of the summer. Occasionally, I would get her alone and we would talk about stuff for a couple hours at a time.

This girl is 24 years old but she was engaged to be married to a kid when she was 21. Unfortunately, her fiancé died a month or two prior to the wedding due to a drug overdose.

She told me about it one night and started crying. That's the closest I've ever felt to her and really to any person in my life.

I was basically a beta-scumbag last summer. I lied to her that we could just be friends in the hopes that it would turn around. This resulted in quite a few awkward moments between the three of us. Eventually, at the end of summer, we both moved and only kept in touch sporadically.

I know what I need to do. Basically, cut contact and move on. But, I don't want too. I care about this person as a friend, but I also want her as a lover. I know that I can't have both, and if I could choose, I would just be her friend. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm capable of that.

I'm just looking for some feedback on the situation. In particular, what she might be thinking and feeling in regards to me and what might be going on subconsciously in my own thinking.