dread working, but ltr doesn't know why

VasiliyZaitzev · 2017-03-31T18:24:58+00:00

Do I overtly tell her my concern?

Yes. Sure it'd be nice if she figured this type of thing out on her own, but you are the "leader" in the relationship, and it is your job to lead.

So how to bring it up? This way: "Well, about the music festival. I am certainly not telling you that you cannot go, but I know what these things are like, and I can tell you that 'my girlfriend' does not go to them unaccompanied by me. But it is still your choice to go or not go."

You can expect blowback as follows:

Her: "But my friends are going!"

You: "Your friends are not my girlfriend."

Her: "But I really want to go to this festival!"

You: "Then you have a choice to make."

Her: "You're not the boss of me! You can't tell me if I can go or not!"

You: "I am not telling you that you CANNOT go, I am simply telling you that my girlfriend does not go to this sort of thing unaccompanied by me."

Her: "You don't trust me!"

You: "It has nothing to do with trust, and making ugly accusations is not going to change my mind. You can go, or not go, as you choose, but as I have said, my girlfriend does not go to this sort of thing unaccompanied by me."

Her: "My girlfriends say that you are an insecure loser!"

You: "I don't care what your girlfriends think. You have a choice to make."

Be cool, calm and collected throughout. Do not argue, do not raise your voice, do not break frame. Do not over-talk about it. Just tell her she needs to think about it.

Bear in mind, even if she doesn't go, she may still resent you for it. Don't let her. You: "You made the correct choice. Be happy about it."

Some additional, contextual shit that is more general in nature:

You did't mention ages, but I'm guessing she is young. Sometimes, you have to be a bit more patient with the young ones, and teach them how to act right.

Example: For me travel is more situational. One of my girls (OLTR#1) went away for a couple of weeks with her extended family (mother, little brother, both grandmothers, aunt and aunt's daughter; her dad was working but would spend a few days with them), on a winter break holiday. Am I going to tell her that she can't go? No, I'm not. And I'm not going to dump her for it, either. The LTR is open on my end, and I know she spent a good chunk of her time looking after her niece (age 10) and her brother (age 3).

Also, a couple of years ago, when she was 19 and before we were exclusive (on her end) she went on a spring break trip with three of her girlfriends (one of whom I know; she's cool, but if I were her BF I wouldn't trust her on spring break). I was a bit surprised that she went, or that her parents permitted it (they were pretty strict, without being dicks about it), but I adopted a "wait and see" attitude.

Within 24 hours, I started getting the "911" texts - "They're bringing boys back to the room!" So I told her to have her shit packed and ready for me to pick her up at such and such a time the next afternoon, then I hopped a flight, extracted her, and then we de-camped to a "grown-ups" hotel in the same city - I have a job I can do from anywhere that I have wifi and mobile coverage. So she would meet her friends during the day and have some fun in the sun, and then she'd come back to me around dinner time, for the rest of the evening.

Her parents, who on the one hand like me, and respect me as a solid guy, but, OTOH, don't like the fact that I'm boning their daughter, were actually pretty relieved, because at least I'm a "Known Guy", and the fact that I went down and handled the situation gave me even more street cred with them.

So a couple of thoughts: first, she was 19 then, and now at 21 she would know not to put herself in that situation. So it was a learning experience. Second, recognizing what was up, she made the right decision, and reached out to me.

buncha_circles · 2017-03-31T17:36:02+00:00

Dread is where she knows how easily you can get other women because you demonstrate it in front of her somehow. She's inadvertently using dread on you by going to this festival. You simply went radio-silent on her and made her feel bad.

abdada · 2017-03-31T17:36:12+00:00

Rollo's GNO post is what you need right now.

https://therationalmale.com/2012/08/27/girls-night-out/

TL;DR -- let her go if she wants to, but she's no LTR material if that's her lifestyle.

savagedealer · 2017-03-31T17:40:01+00:00

You don't hope for anything . She's either a fit for your lifestyle or she's someone else's problem .

0kool74 · 2017-03-31T18:15:38+00:00

this is cause for concern, as we all know what goes on at these festivals, tons of coke, drugs, drinking, hooking up. been there, experienced it first hand.

Now is she aware that this is what goes on at these events? If she is, then apparently she failed at math because she can't put 2 and 2 together.

and she said that she's been crying and was expecting me to break up with her last night.

Ok maybe she is aware of what's at hand.

Seems as if she doesn't get what a red flag that is.....or she does and doesn't care

And that isn't your problem, to be honest.

I've already made up my mind that if she ends up going to this festival without me, I won't be there when she's back

There ya go. Looks like you have the right mindset. So....if she goes, she's done. If she doesn't, then maybe you keep her around until the next "questionable" thing she wants to do.

yallapapi · 2017-03-31T20:41:28+00:00

This isn't dread. It's you showing your insecurity. Not that it's undeserved. But let's call it what it is.

Some quote I read on here comes to mind. Goes something like: "Any guy could have her. She's just mine for now."

If you hinted that you'll next her if she goes then keep your word. Otherwise any time something happens like this you're in for the same situation.

Willow-girl · 2017-04-01T14:23:47+00:00

Yup, she's using dread on you, and it appears to be working ...

PIeight · 2017-03-31T18:16:04+00:00

First, this isn't dread. You just have a misunderstanding of what dread is, which is no big deal.

Second, you are being passive-aggressive. You can give an LTR boundaries if you do so with a strong frame without it coming across as weak. If she wants to please you, then she has to know what it is you want her to do.

Third, this is probably a bad situation for using a soft next since you haven't made clear what the behavior was that caused it.

Title	dread working, but ltr doesn't know why
Author	dnowutdo
Upvotes	6
Comments	34
Date	March 31, 2017 5:33 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/62moa6/dread_working_but_ltr_doesnt_know_why/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/dread-working-but-ltr-doesnt-know-why.88684 https://theredarchive.com/post/88684

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