A younger woman (10+ years), who I'm hooking up with, has repeatedly told me "you're nothing like I expected". I took the bait and told her to explain the statement - this is the gist of the feedback that I received:

  • I came off safe in my tinder profile
  • Like a genuinely nice guy
  • She wanted a change from the jock assholes she was dating, mostly because they were all talk

Assuming we take the last point with a grain of salt, I'm genuinely surprised that she got all that from a Tinder profile. My profile has pics of me traveling all over the world off-the-beaten path type activities, a suit-up pic, and one with my ex (about a 83 on my 100 point scale). My bio talks about my hobbies (boarding, scuba, cooking, travel) and an alternative fact about myself.

Through some generalized statements (a large part of my job is interviewing people) posed to her, she reiterated her points in different language, and then she offered up how surprised she was about my quiet confidence, dominant ("take charge") style, and how adventurous I was with sex.

Also, I heard from a colleague and acquaintance recently how surprised she was about some of my hobbies (boxing, hunting). She's only known me professionally, where I have a senior leadership position. Clearly, the issue is pervasive and I'm giving off a different vibe than I had thought.

Since my late teens, I have trained myself to be gregarious (some have described as bubbly) and I think that some of my mannerisms are effeminate (and have been told as much). I have particularly tastes and am vocal about them, mostly when asked (read: pretentious cunt). This isn't a complete picture of who I am, although I'm sure these three details are important to this conversation.

What I'm trying to understand is how there's such variance in women's initial impression of me relative to the man I know I am, and who they eventually find me to be. I'm happy with who I am as a person. However, when it comes to dating and initial attraction, I feel like there's some optimizing to be done.

Thoughts?