Holding frame

spoetnick · 2015-01-26T13:28:11+00:00

This is probably because you care about what she is saying. The thing that works best for me is just to see them as 6 year olds.

They can talk and sometimes they make sense. When they explain what they are doing or feeling it can be cute. Whenever they say something stupid I'll laugh about it or make it even more stupid.

FrameWalker · 2015-01-26T15:33:21+00:00

How can I improve my inherent ability to remain stoic and reframe smoothly?

Get shit tested more often. Remember only girls who are considering you will shit-test. It's her uncrossing her legs and saying "I dare you to go for it." It's a fun little game. Pay attention to this hidden meaning and disregard the literal interpretation of her words. She wants to know if you can make her feel safe. It's more about her insecurities than your weaknesses.

MagicJuggler · 2015-01-26T22:29:48+00:00

Have some Umberto Eco, while you're at it:

"Belbo had a way of standing at the bar as if he were just passing through (he had been a regular there for at least ten years). He often took part in conversations, at the counter or at a table, but almost always he did no more than drop some short remark that would instantly freeze all enthusiasm, no matter what subject was being discussed. He had another freezing technique: asking a question. Someone would be talking about an event, the whole group would be completely absorbed, then Belbo, turning his pale, slightly absent eyes on the speaker, with his glass at hip level, as though he had long forgotten he was drinking, would ask, “Is that a fact?” Or, “Really?” At which point everyone, including the narrator, would suddenly begin to doubt the story. Maybe it was the way Belbo’s Piedmont drawl made his statements interrogative and his interrogatives taunting. And he had yet another Piedmont trick: looking into his interlocutor’s eyes, but as if he were avoiding them. His gaze didn’t exactly shirk dialogue, but he would suddenly seem to concentrate on some distant convergence of parallel lines no one had paid attention to. He made you feel that you had been staring all this time at the one place that was unimportant." -Focault's Pendulum

If witty comebacks are not your strength, use some variation of the "is that so" to buy yourself some time, and make her doubt the certainty of her statement.

Also, learn to laugh at yourself. Perhaps have your friends roast you or the equivalent. Caricature shows the worst of us, amplified 10-fold.

TRPinvictus · 2015-01-26T19:45:15+00:00

One thing I've really come to take advantage of is silence. I think you could too. You mention that you get quiet when your frame is challenged. Even though YOU know why you're silent (panic), SHE does not, and will hamster away.

If you can control your facial emotions and use that silence to think up a response, you should be good to go. For example: When your frame gets challenged, look her in the eye, smirk, hold the silence for a second or two, and then either agree and amplify or hold frame. All the while maintaining eye contact.

Shit testing is playful banter. Don't be afraid of it, which is why you're probably freezing up.

RussSur · 2015-01-26T20:18:25+00:00

Here's a trick for you.

After you've sat in stunned silence for a moment, say "I can't believe you said that!" With puppy dog eyes. When she apologizes, hold out your fist for a fist bump. But when she reaches out, pull your hand back and say, "No," while you look away like she's not even there.

She'll think it's the funniest thing you've done all night, and she'll probably laugh very loudly. Going from confident (before she broke your frame), to meek and supplicating (offering to "make up" with her after she was mean to you), to denying her... It will make her feel like you did it on purpose all along.

Others are right. You need to get better at being unaffected, and this trick will only work once. But, it may rescue you from a momentary slip-up.

Title	Holding frame
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	3
Comments	9
Date	January 26, 2015 1:23 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2tpuhc/holding_frame/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/holding-frame.192300 https://theredarchive.com/post/192300

Comments