Don't know where to start, first time posting.

I fell in love with this girl and was in a 10 month relo with her. She really seemed to be unique and interested in the weird things i was into and seemed to love Me for who i was.

Since being blindsided by the breakup and becoming red pill aware and listening to a few mgtow videos on how women chameleon, manipulate men, beta bux alfa fucks and all that shit I've been non stop connecting dots and seeing that she's just some fickle manipulative hypocritical whore who told me what i wanted to hear and never really cared about me and because i was in love i blocked out any red flags that pointed that and took her at her word.

Things such as her making tons of guy friends while we where together (probably looking for better options the whole time we where together or just being attention seeking from orbiters), deleted entire chat with her ex, she talked shit about her most recent ex and how much of a pussy beta he was and told me about his issues with his abusive dad and for some reason i opened up to her about my issues growing up and i can just imagine her talking about me like i was such a beta loser ect to some other guy she's gonna be fucking, I'm confident she was trying to monkey branch at the end and was putting herself in a position where cheating was likely to happen even if she didn't technically cheat.

She constantly reinforced the idea that she was against promiscuity, only wore nice Wholesone dresses, we always had conversations about starting a family together, told me about how hurt she was when she was cheated on and stressed that she'd never cheat or do anything like that, wanted lots of kids like i did, we had serious conversations about our future together.

Now she's on a holiday island no doubt being an absolute whore because she knows no one there and will get away with it and I'm only giving a very basic version of this story.

I've never felt so hurt and betrayed in all my life and have so much hatred towards the nature of women and how it was all just a big lie and her making me feel like we where in love because we had so much in common was a big trick and illusion in my head because i was in love. I know everyone will just tell me to go on with my purpose in life or whatever and to find a different purpose outside of women but i just can't, all i wanted was a woman who loved me for who i was and to raise kids with her and have them be raised according to my ideals and i can't let go of that dream that now feels as though it's been shattered.

I'm seriously considering killing myself over all this, not because i lost the dream girl but because she never existed and fucked me over and I'll never have that again.