How to master being alone?

obionekennedy · 2016-08-02T17:36:52+00:00

Loneliness is a lie. It is caused by a thought. It's all in your mind. It is a thought followed by a feeling . Definition of Loneliness: sadness because one has no friends or company.

It sounds like you experience a feeling of sadness knowing you lack "company" for the night. i.e. "It really sets in about the moment I walk in my house after work and realize (have a thought) that I'm going to be here, all alone (besides the occasional text) until my ass wakes up for work the next day."

You are leaving the moment and suffering feelings of sadness caused by future events that haven't occurred yet...meaning, you "feel" bad because you perceive an event (being alone for the next 5 hours until bed) as being your reality. So instead, change that shit. You have unlimited options. First, do something. Entertain yourself. Be alone and make a 3 course meal and dessert and watch RAMBO. Learn a new skill, take an online course. Meditate and watch your thoughts as if they were logs floating down a river. Just experience them coming and going. Don't judge them or "hold on" to one of them...just let them flow in and out. Where do they come from? Where do they go? Can you even slow your mind down enough to pay attention. I could go on ad infinitum. Just do something. Make a decision to not experience loneliness and take action. What I did: If you need something to get you moving, I started with cleaning my apartment from top to bottom with insane attention to detail. This action removed/interrupted the rumination in my head over the fact that "I was going to be alone all night". YOU are the maker of your reality. Stop relying on outside influences to calm your inner state of being. I stopped answering texts and instead would call the person and have a real conversation. I studied my craft more. I watched Netflix and finished several series alone. I walked to the local coffee shop and got to know the owner as I sat and simply watched my fellow human beings go about their day.

Loneliness v.s. Solitude

Loneliness is a feeling. Solitude is a state of BEING. Definition of Solitude: the state or situation of being alone. (Notice the word "situation". You can always change your "situation". You are not a powerless being.) Choosing to participate in the "loneliness" state of mind is dis-empowering. Solitude is an empowering state of BEING. Allow yourself to participate in the experience of solitude and the "feelings of loneliness" will dissolve. Power from within you returns. Loneliness lacks purpose. Solitude is purpose.

IMPORTANT REMINDER on Rumination

--------When people ruminate, they over-think or obsess about situations or life events, such as work or relationships. Research has shown that rumination is associated with a variety of negative consequences, including depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, binge-drinking and binge-eating. Don't EVER ruminate.

Also credit /u/thotwrecker

Loneliness must be mastered before you can successfully manage a LTR and successfully be "with people" while retaining a comfortable, abundance mentality. If you are not A-OK going back to being alone, you WILL cling, and she will pick up on it and give you substandard behavior.

Now, you asked HOW to do it, but you need to understand the why. See, your default instinct is going to be to try to escape loneliness.

You've escaped loneliness all your life. Escapism in the form of internet communities, video games, nerd culture, whatever it is, has likely defined your life, as as a result, you are looking for a new route to escape into. But you cannot do that this time. You must face and triumph over the loneliness. We are social animals, yes, but women and beta males are characterized by their need to be a part of the pack. This is why betas act timid, nice, defer to others, and try to figure out what group consensus will be before acting; they are afraid of being kicked out and then sentenced to being "alone".

You have to force yourself to say no to "escapist" options. Don't play any more games, don't watch TV, hell, even get off reddit. Seriously, do without the input of these cyber humans in various mediums, just learn to think and act off your own impulses.

Master your diet, your workouts, your sleep cycle, your vitamins. Just take it slow and focus on simplifying and optimizing your life. Take up 1 physical hobby, 1 artistic / musical hobby, 1 career related hobby, and 1 intellectual development hobby. Give it your all.

Be open to meeting people and bonding with choice individuals during this process, but have standards. Have a wall; only the best get in.

Find the beauty and joy in accomplishing your own missions. Reduce ambient noise around you so you can really listen to yourself and decide what you want to do.

Keep this up for 90-120 days or more. This will cure loneliness if you really do it. You have to fully accept and not resist the pain of being lonely. Accept it and don't fight it; don't try to hide from it. Just accept that it sucks.

Being alone is a great gift. I used to be in a LTR and I realized I would often just be trying to cut down on time she was over because, fuck, I needed the "me" time to work on my hobbies. I mean, I work 10 hrs a day, I commute for 1, gym / run for about 1.5, and like to read / write for at least 1 hr. Those to me are non-negotiables, which means literally all of my waking hours are basically gone.

Being with a girl most guys would chop off their big toe to be with... led to me stagnating and hamstering about how I didn't really need to make time for X or Y because I had already "made it".

Being alone helped me drop weight, build muscle, backpack across the PNW, knock out the GMAT when previously I never made time to study, and so on.

Being alone, as you will eventually come to learn, is growth. Pain is growth.

Being with people and being surrounded by validation and friends and family and all... that is good too. But that's a REWARD. That comes AFTER you become the man you are supposed to be, and after you come to terms with loneliness and master the little bitch in you. You graduate from loneliness only when you're truly ready; it cannot be faked.

RedSkeller · 2016-08-02T16:52:22+00:00

I spent six months in the wilderness to find solitude. I would recommend camping or hiking. There is transcendence in nature, something in the universe that has been lost over the years. How about your social circle? Guy friends? This is their time to get you back on your feet, even if it's once a month hang out. Keep yourself busy and look at this newfound abundance of time as a period to better yourself.

trpthroway123 · 2016-08-02T16:55:41+00:00

Alone doesn't mean solitude, it means non-committed.

Hang out with friends. Pick up hobbies. Improve yourself. Meet new people. Take home girls. Plate a few, simultaneously.

If one proves themselves to be relationship worthy, over the course of months, consider taking that step. Personally, I don't even consider a relationship until she's been around for 6 months.

[deleted] · 2016-08-03T00:21:30+00:00

Get out of your own head.

I'm biased as I greatly prefer being alone to having a group of people, but the first thing that happens when all the distractions are shut off and you have Noone to talk to is your brain starts to pick apart everything wrong you've ever done and starts operating at a hundred miles an hour with every awkward situation you've ever caused.

The solution is to learn to quiet your mind. For me it took working through the shit I've done and seen, kind of like forgiving oneself and accepting it's OK to make mistakes as you learn how the world works. Once I was capable of sitting down and not having my mind bring up negative thoughts it became an enjoyable activity; I can get a lot of thinking done with nothing around.

The other solution is to skip the bullshit and just play video games or something to distract your mind. Doesn't really show you how to become comfortable alone, but you'll be able to be alone for an extended period.

As a general add on I've conquered all of my fears by recognizing where the fear comes from. I am not afraid of falling, I am afraid of dying due to impact, and once you realize this you can accept the risk and embark upon whatever task.

jtmazari · 2016-08-03T07:40:08+00:00

Busy men don't experiance loneliness...

Il128 · 2016-08-02T19:47:22+00:00

I say this all the time here.

Hit the gym. It builds self esteem.
Read. It occupies your mind and is the best form of meditation there is.
Get out and meet people. Get a hobby doing something you enjoy and meet others who enjoy the same thing.

SetConsumes · 2016-08-02T23:01:32+00:00

Master being alone seems like an odd concept.

If you're not okay being alone, you're not okay being with yourself.

Title	How to master being alone?
Author	3rdParty2012
Upvotes	10
Comments	17
Date	August 2, 2016 4:41 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4vte9a/how_to_master_being_alone/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-to-master-being-alone.109210 https://theredarchive.com/post/109210

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