I have too much fucking empathy

quietinquandary · 2015-07-02T23:30:29+00:00

I invite you to consider the possibility that you do not really want to help other people and solve their problems.

Open your mind to the possibility that you are projecting your vulnerability onto other people. You say to yourself, "There is so much pain in the world. How come nobody is helping those who need it? I can be different. I can help them."

This is especially evident when you say,

Why doesn't anyone help me? Why am I not allowed to ask for help?

You are allowed to ask for help. As a matter of fact you are here asking for help right now. So, I'm helping you.

Because I need help too.

Two years ago, I was in the midst of depression. I checked out of my hobbies, relationships, and performed miserably in school. I could hardly muster the energy to shower in the morning but I had these grand delusions that I could somehow help other people.

I broke down in front of my Dad one day. He was the one person I told about what I was going through. It was overwhelming and for the first time in years another person saw me cry, almost uncontrollably.

At some point in our conversation he asked me what it is I want to do. Through misty eyes I told him, "I just want to help people."

I couldn't even improve my own life but I was hellbent on helping others.

After clawing out of the darkness, I was free again. I felt joy in my life and it essentially felt like I was born again. Reflecting on my experiences led me to conclude that I, in fact, didn't really want to help other people.

I wanted other people to help me. I wanted someone to come and tell me that they care. That they're proud of me and instill some confidence into me again.

That person never came. And I'm glad they didn't. I've learned how to handle pain and adversity on my own. I learned that it is up to the individual to fix the problems they have and improve their own lives.

We can all wish and wait for Superman to come along...

But he isn't coming.

And when it comes to dealing with the problems of others, take a supportive approach. Let them know that you know how it feels to be down and in pain. Let them know it isn't going to last forever. But ultimately let them know it is up to them to determine how their life plays out.

To paraphrase a quote I heard before, "I was once a fool and tried to save the world. Now I'm wise and try to save myself."

edwardhwhite · 2015-07-02T23:00:34+00:00

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Changed me forever.

bubbleki · 2015-07-03T00:01:23+00:00

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JeffsRP · 2015-07-03T02:49:18+00:00

Read "when I say no I feel guilty". Standard RP literature.

52576078 · 2015-07-03T12:51:58+00:00

While there are some good answers here, I think there could be another perspective. You remind me of my younger self. I always felt great when I was helping other people, solving their problems for them, or giving up precious time to do things for them. What I realised after years of hard work on my self, was that I enjoyed the attention I got from feeling needed, and told myself that these people liked me because they were using me. Of course, the reality of it was that some people were just using me and didn't give a shit. And of course, the emotions I was supressing would leak out in passive aggressive and judgemental behaviour. What I had to learn to do (and this took years) was to learn to take care of myself first, and to nurture that good feeling within myself, and rely on myself to tend to all my own needs. That helped me to stop this clingy type of relationship I had with many "friends" and to develop real bonds based on mutual enjoyment and respect. I still enjoy helping people, but it's done out of mutual respect these days. My friends tell me I'm a much more fun guy to be around. Please sort this out before you get stomped on by a few girls or "friends" who take advantage of you. Empathy is a wonderful gift which allows you to be a brilliant communicator and friend, but it can blow up in your face if you don't treat it with the respect it deserves.

cloudstryfe · 2015-07-02T22:41:58+00:00

I'm empathetic too, but I think the first step comes in realizing you can't save the whole world. Pick your priorities and stick with them, and then you begin to see other issues as not your fight.

intelcorei5 · 2015-07-03T05:19:33+00:00

No, you just show it too much.

machimus · 2015-07-03T07:07:47+00:00

Games People Play by Dr. Eric Berne was a fascinating short book about social transactions. People play little mind games all the time, which fit into different types. You grew up playing "messiah" or something with your mom, now you're used to playing that role with others.

Be self-conscious when you do this and stop it. If you can't, maybe time to talk to a therapist to help.

feminazis_stalk_me · 2015-07-05T05:30:34+00:00

You have been existing as a resource to be used, rather than living for yourself.

You think your value lies in what you can provide for others, and their validation gives you a sense of purpose.

You are not comfortable in your own skin. You do not do anything without wondering what others will think. You would rather hide in shame than take risks and suffer embarrassment or humiliation.

In other words, you are too scared to be your own man. We get it - it's hard. It's easier to cater to others and hope they like you than it is to be yourself and not give a fuck.

The problem is that you don't know what makes you happy because you've never put yourself first. You don't know who you are, because you've wanted to be who others want you to be.

The key to changing is to learn to be selfish. Learn to love that word - selfish: To love thyself. If you don't love and respect yourself, you cannot expect to be loved or respected by others. Liked? Sure - if you keep giving others what they want. Tolerated? Sure - as long as you remain useful. Respected? Not a chance. Loved? No.

krustytheclown2 · 2015-07-03T00:53:46+00:00

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Title	I have too much fucking empathy
Author	leather_musk
Upvotes	2
Comments	17
Date	July 2, 2015 10:36 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/3bxb18/i_have_too_much_fucking_empathy/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/i-have-too-much-fucking-empathy.150727 https://theredarchive.com/post/150727

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