Married guy - Needs help, long post

subbice · 2014-07-21T03:27:46+00:00

I'm not going to say that your wife's tantrum is legitimately warranted but pregnancy fucks with their hormones.

My wife didn't get angry with our first (or the second) - thank you lord jesus - but with the first pregnancy she was weepy. All the time. Like. She's not an overly emotional person - she doesn't cry a whole lot. She put down her dog after it got cancer and she got misty. She loved that dog.

But when she got about 6 months along if she'd, say, forget to put soap in the dishwasher she'd actually bawl. She cried and cried and cried and say how she'd be the terrible kind of mom who'd leave her kids in a car and they'd die and I was like "WTF IS HAPPENING HERE?!". She didn't go a day without crying for the entire second trimester. Most days it was just a few light tears and she'd get on with it but holy shit the dishwasher incident was ridiculous. She laughs about it now but it was one of the most perplexing days of my life.

To be honest she's probably feeling shitty because she's pregnant, getting fat (especially if you've been hitting the gym the past few months and getting ripped), hormonal, alone and you're back in your old stomping grounds. She's probably envisioning you surrounded by hot women who are plying you with alcohol to woo you into their beds.

I'm of the opinion when it comes to pregnancies and parenting there's a time and place for stepping back from the alpha. First pregnancies are a scary time for men and women. So caring for each other is important at that stage.

Just talk it out. No texting. Actually call her and say, you know, "Listen, now that we've had time to simmer down, what was that all about? Are you worried about my alcohol consumption or is there something else bothering you?"

Also tell her you didn't think she handled that situation well and you expect her to behave more respectfully in the future. You're having a kid together and you need to be able to be civil to one another to be good, loving parents to them. If she's got a problem, she can use her big grown-up words (although you might wanna phrase that differently) to express herself rather than launching directly into an all out assault on your character.

AlmostRP · 2014-07-21T11:47:39+00:00

First of all, the big issue... loose =! lose. Loose (rhymes with noose)= there's a loose bolt that's about to fall off. Lose (rhymes with news)= you team is about to lose if you don't get your shit together. Don't lose your cool.

Secondly, the minor issue at hand. Everything seems to be going fine.

She didn't care then, even went to the store without me asking and bought beer for me.

She's hormonal and blowing up at you. You already know the answer:

Should I just maintain frame and wait for her to make the next move?

Check it out, you answered your own question.

I'm going to tell her that she's acting crazy and if she has a problem/concern with something I'm doing she needs to bring it up in a respectful adult manor and not in the hateful childish way she did.

Almost. You already know she's acting like a child. Telling a child that they are acting like a child has worked... never. I use this one with my wife: "I don't deserve the way you are talking to me. When you'd like to lose (remember, lose, not loose!) that and join me in a good discussion, I'm more than willing to welcome you back."

Since it's over text, just wait until you get home or call her. Nobody needs to have important discussions over texts and it's just a way for her to use "technicalities" and ignore any good and reasonable logic you may have... as if she needs a reason.

Sometimes if we're driving, I'll use the "We're going to come to this point in about 5 minutes. If you haven't changed the attitude by then I'll be dropping you off at home and you can do whatever you like, but you won't be doing it with me." A few times my wife tried waiting until JUST AFTER the cutoff point, at which I said that while it sucks that she made that decision, I was very clear. Next time you can change the way you treat me.

Same thing with any conversation she's acting like a child. 1) Define what she's doing wrong, what boundary she crossed. 2) Give her a bit of time to cool off. 3) Define consequences if she doesn't want to change her mind... generally removing your affection, removing your presence. 4) Follow through in a calm way.

Mr_Reardon · 2014-07-21T02:40:26+00:00

Communicate if something needs communicating - if she responds positively, thank her for putting her previous attitude aside and reiterate you won't be spoken to like that. If she responds negatively and insists on pushing more buttons, advise her she'll need to approach the conversation as an adult if she expects a response and be done with it. If she doesn't respond at all, continue on with your day and when you return home set your expectations for harmony in the house you're living in.

There's something to be said for pregnancy hormones, but they're not an excuse for constant outbursts.

boydeer · 2014-07-21T14:19:50+00:00

i agree with subbice. she sounds afraid, man. having let some time pass, it might be good to call her and reassure her that everything's fine. i think you did the right thing in not responding immediately, because there was no way for you to set the frame, and her frame was crazy bullshit.

YabbaDabba314 · 2014-07-22T00:58:59+00:00

Thanks guys. So I messaged her today that I understood why she got upset but I wanted to talk to her about it tonight. I messaged her b/c she works nights and I didn't want to wake her up. Anyways she messaged back right away that she isn't working tonight but doesn't want to talk b/c she's very tired. She does end with an I love you though.

I call her anyways after work. She sounds very down and drained, which is unusual for her. I tell her I love her and reassure her that I'm not doing anything while I'm away that I would be embarrassed of. She says okay and tells me she loves me. I ask how she's feeling etc. She isn't talkative at all and just sounds horrible. That's why I decided to be a little more beta and not admonish her right now. Not too beta though b/c I didn't apologize for anything. Especially since I never lost my shit or said anything to her that was nasty/disrespectful. She seemed very down. Since she was so quiet I ended the conversation.

A little while later she texts me that she's sorry for being nasty but I never understand her concerns and how she's worried even more now that she's pregnant. She says she doesn't want to talk about it anymore.

So I call her immediately and tell her I want to talk about it. We go round and round for a bit. I maintain frame and tell her to judge me by my actions and the way I carry myself, not my old man. She says no matter what I do she will always worry. I tell her I can't control what she worries about. I can can only show her through my actions that she has nothing to worry about. We go round in round. I tell her the nasty messages do nothing to solve her worries. If anything they make me feel contempt for her. Key was I maintained frame throughout. I never lost my temper and always spoke like a MAN. I delivered the message a MAN would. B/c I'm a fucking MAN! Success! She breaks down says she's lonely without me and sorry for everything she said. After she apologized I said it's okay babe, just call me and tell me next time your concerned. I did not apologize back, which is what beta me would have done.

TL;DR With some Alpha advice, maintained frame during nasty fight w/ preggo wife and maintained my Alpha status.

mordanus · 2014-07-21T10:00:16+00:00

Take a serious look at yourself and evaluate if you are turning into your father. My dad was a drunk too so I don't drink because I know it will fuck me up. It's fucked all of my siblings up and I don't want to take the risk. So seriously take a realistic look at it and see if this is something that you need to work on. If it is then you need to fix it for yourself and not because your wife said so. If it isn't then you maintain frame and call your wife on her bullshit.

Like subbice said though, pregnancy will make a normal woman into a monster. I'm actually surprised that your woman was terrible before that because most of the bad ones I've known went shitty after all the chemical changes that pregnancy brings. Keep working on yourself and at this point it is probably better to try harder to be her rock. She is drowning in a sea of hormones and it is honestly what you are for. In a committed relationship like this we are supposed to be the rock for them to cling to. Take some time to internalize that without being her beck and call boy and find a nice balance.

The-Pussy-Whisperer · 2014-07-21T11:05:16+00:00

Act like the last text she sent you was the one before she went apeshit.

flplatespin · 2014-07-21T11:48:59+00:00

Maintain frame. If you do send a text make it short and direct. You will discuss thing like adults and you are working and having a beer like a normal person lol.

As a separated married guy, you should be glad that you are going Red pill now. You may be able to save this but remember that all women are really hamsters at heart. Don't let them spin.

Title	Married guy - Needs help, long post
Author	YabbaDabba314
Upvotes	15
Comments	16
Date	July 21, 2014 1:33 AM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2b98zp/married_guy_needs_help_long_post/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/married-guy-needs-help-long-post.140820 https://theredarchive.com/post/140820

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