Wall of text. Sorry but it's really hard to coherently write this. My mind has been clouded for quite sometime and I have a lot to say but I'm not sure if text can be effective in conveying this rant/request for help.

Back story(forgive my, English it is not my first language): I am a 30 year old projects team leader for a company that organizes events. I've been lurking on TRP for a few years now and have tried internalizing everything I've read into the real world. I was not too bad with women pre-TRP, getting into some shitty LTRs with the occasional ONS. It wasn't until 3 years ago and TRP that I started plating women and went anti-LTR for awhile. I've found it easy so far to not develop oneitis thanks to abundance mentality.

About 2 years ago I met a girl who works in the same field as me during a networking session. She was 24 at that time and very attractive(8). We flirted during the event quite heavily and we exchanged numbers. I took her out a week later and enjoyed myself then I plated her. I was juggling 5-6 plates at that time too, but over the course of a few months she came to be my favourite one. She was athletic, a gymnast since young, self-aware, cooks, cleans, fucks like a champ doesn't buy into feminist BS and is pretty RP too. I looked forward to our dates and I seriously considered LTR-ing her. So against all RP wisdom I LTRed her after 6 months of being a plate.

Things were going great for a year, she moved in with me, we had tons of sex and it was really fun. I never felt so in control in a relationship before, and I've never felt this happy. It is even possible some of my overall happiness came from her.

1 year and 4 months into the LTR, she caught Lyme disease, at that time we did not know what it was.

We went everywhere to look for a diagnosis as some doctors either treated her for something else or completely refused to treat her at all. At first she paid for her expenses from her savings but after awhile I had to bare all the costs. I am fine with that as I make enough from my job and investments. Finally after a year we found our diagnosis and treatment, Chronic Lyme disease with multiple co-infections. It isn't over though, nothing is truly effective against this disease and it's always a 50/50 chance. The doctor put a whole course of medication from pills to anti-biotic IV drips(where I needed to hire a nurse to come weekly) and multiple surgeries. Her mother who live with us now(after she knew of the diagnosis) and I have become her caregivers.

She would have seizures and uncontrollable movements. It started gradually, intensity and frequency of her episodes were low at first but slowly the disease took away many things from her. Her cheerful demeanor is gone because she's constantly in pain, she lost a lot of weight from not being able to keep her food down when she contracts uncontrollably, she couldn't talk properly at times, and she had became heavily dependent on me. Her sex drive and also mine went down a lot. She couldn't do things she could before basically. Before her mom came to live with us, I was the only one taking care of her. I've dealt with her vomit and tears and every other bodily fluid that are not expelled from your body because you have full muscle control. It's like taking care of a baby. Really. She lost her ability to walk so she has to be wheeled everywhere.

I love her, or loved her so much but I don't find her attractive anymore. Her physique I was attracted to is not there, her personality gone everything is taken away. I don't want to leave her like this, but it's just been affecting me a whole lot. I've been devoting so much of my time to her, to make her happy, to take her out and still try to pretend that she was the women I met years ago. Sex is practically non-existent. Only handjobs from her and sometimes I look at the nudes she sent me when she was healthy and just masturbate to it, I've sunk that low. I've grown so attached to her that I really can't leave her at all seeing her in this situation.

I can't blame any of this on her. She was near perfect when she was able, but now I am in a dreadful relationship. I don't know what to do, I feel helpless and hate that I see her as a burden.

If I was the one struck down by a disease, I would want her to stay with me to nurse me back to health and not branch swing. That's what I'm trying to do here. I am so conflicted and lost, I've no idea what to do other then to go forward and ride the storm with her. Hopefully one day this disease is gone and everything returns back to normal, but that truly is a far cry.