Parents fighting (mom has resentment towards dad), kinda sick of it. Would like to know how you would deal if you were my dad.

MarriedRP · 2014-07-09T23:17:26+00:00

Even though it's your parents, it's still not your relationship. You don't get a say. Be supportive, make sure you let them know that you love them both, and you'll be there for them if they need you. You can't take sides, you can't fix their marriage. You have a duty to be the rock for everyone around you. It sucks sometimes, but we are men. It's what we must do.

Planner_Hammish · 2014-07-10T03:43:01+00:00

My dad has been trying to have discussions with my mom, but she just blames him for everything (calls him a shitty father/husband, selfish, self-centered, etc... which he isn't). And apparently he doesn't do anything around the house, despite providing for our family for the 20 or so years she was just stay-at-home before she decided to work again. My dad is more introverted, while my mom is more extroverted. I wouldn't describe my dad as a beta, but neither of us really know what to do. She seems dead set on fighting every little issue.

This sounds like my mom. Check out /r/raisedbynarcissists

There isn't a lot you can do, from my experience. When my parents split, I became the brunt of "being useless" or "acting just like your father", so hopefully that doesn't happen to you.

masterrod · 2014-07-10T03:12:22+00:00

It seems, your mother is unhappy with her life. If i were your dad I'd focus on finding something for her to do that she can call her own.

This situation really isn't RP territory.

[deleted] · 2014-07-10T15:16:08+00:00

I would say theoretically with no knowledge of the situation other than your possibly biased account that what is happening here is that your dad has gotten slightly more beta while your mom has hit menopause and gotten more insecure / scared about the future. Thus she looks to him for the iron, dominant comforting leadership, but it isn't quite coming from him. Maybe he's just not able to stand up to the wrath of her shit tests like he did when he was a cocky 27 year old. Who knows.

Read "Way of the Superior Man" - I have never read a better book on masculinity in my life. Your dad must dominate with loving, benevolent, firm love and guidance otherwise both of them are fucked. Ultimately it's in his hands; step up, re-establish frame, be a patriarch... or deal with her bad behavior for the rest of his life. Good, nurturing feminine behavior is NOT the default, this is so key, it must be earned through constant assertion of his masculinity.

Your mom is out of line - my dad is pretty alpha (Indian dude who came broke to this country and snagged himself a younger, richer white blonde girl) and my mom wouldn't DREAM of suggesting that he was a bad father / shitty husband / selfish. Saying these things, even in a hormonal rage, is just not acceptable because it's pointless disrespect. So what your dad must do is stand up for himself, call her out on her shit, and establish that there's lines that MUST not be crossed.

One line I have with my GF is you do not fuck with my workout or diet routine. This was very hard for her to learn because I am anal and weird and the type of person who will deny my mom the opportunity to feed me pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving if I've decided to be on a cut. But she learned to live with it and love it because I refused to compromise completely.

Your dad has to have that same rigid masculinity again - he has to be the CEO of his own life and be unapologetic about his quirks. If he takes multi day hikes, he has to own it and just do it and laugh off her objections. Your parents have lasted through your raising and you say they were great parents, so they HAD solid attraction and love to make it this far. What has happened, however, is most likely that your dad has slowly had his masculine intent eroded to some degree. After all, 20 years with the same woman punching the same spots over and over, while you age, grow fat, lose testosterone... will change you and how people respond to you.

If you must get involved, which obviously you should not, I would just get him Way of the Superior Man and leave it at that. Seriously, it is the single best relationships book I have ever read in my entire life, and I've read everything on the PU/TRP/selfhelp shelf.

dregofsociety · 2014-07-10T03:04:45+00:00

My mother never left my father because she felt obligated to keep her family together. My father abused her severly throughout all our childhood. She had a million more reasons to leave my father than any woman today. The abuse stopped when we became old enough to defend her and my father paid for his behavior, severly. Now my mother runs the show but still respects my father. All us children are adults and our parents know that if one leaves, we will disown that parent til their death comes. So they get along today way better but when either one suggests leaving the other, we remind them that we will disown them and eliminate them as a relative to their own grandchildren. They will have never existed. Sounds fucked up but it taught them to get along. They've been together 40 years.

If I had any, I wouldn't want any children of mine to be around any grandparent who walked away from marriage anyways. It sets a bad example.

robesta · 2014-07-10T12:46:25+00:00

A little dread from dad would go a long way.

Title	Parents fighting (mom has resentment towards dad), kinda sick of it. Would like to know how you would deal if you were my dad.
Author	liasehfiasue
Upvotes	10
Comments	11
Date	July 9, 2014 10:46 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/2aa5aa/parents_fighting_mom_has_resentment_towards_dad/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/parents-fighting-mom-has-resentment-towards-dad.140653 https://theredarchive.com/post/140653

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