Should we hide our problems?

beer77 · 2015-05-03T20:55:16+00:00

There's a difference between pretending that nothing is wrong (ever) and presenting an image of manliness. For instance, suppose you fucked up at work and got yelled at. When someone asks how your day went you could say:

'Fine, nothing is wrong'.
'The boss yelled at me and I feel really bad and I need to cry on someone's shoulder'.
'Things didn't go well. I need to find a way to improve in the future'.

Which one of those allows a human connection without you seeming like a big pussy? Inside you can want to cry and hug but understand that shit is panty drying material.

CisWhiteMaelstrom · 2015-05-03T21:03:00+00:00

Hide helplessness, not problems.

Good: "Work's been killer. I've been spending 60 hours a week at the office and it's been exhausting. Oh well, gotta get shit done."

Bad: "Man, I've just been working too much. I'm getting stressed and I just don't know what to do. I feel trapped and just unhappy."

ToshiroOzuwara · 2015-05-03T20:20:12+00:00

Projecting perfection != hiding problems

Women don't really give a shit about your emotional issues. Learn to be stoic.

cray-cray-cray · 2015-05-03T21:24:04+00:00

Do you think should we hide our problems from outside world?

Do you think we should broadcast our problems to the entire world?

Maybe we can find something between that makes sense. If you do either of those extremes, you're probably headed for a bad time.

DarkisKnight · 2015-05-03T21:28:45+00:00

It's ok to have problems just don't be a whiny bitch about it. There's a difference between someone who's looking for pity/validation/attention and someone who's just being transparent.

You shouldn't need her reassurance and should act like you have a handle on the issue. Not having problems is unrealistic.

Agree 100% with stoicism.

648262 · 2015-05-03T22:38:16+00:00

No, don't hide problems, but don't focus on them either.

Your boss will say "bring me solutions; not problems and excuses". You should apply that to everyone. Acknowledging that something was crap is okay, but keep in mind that you need to have a solution for how to deal with it.

You'll just be bitching and moaning if not.

FoolishWiseGuy · 2015-05-03T23:57:29+00:00

Find yourself a group of Alpha friends who you can open to.

novawildcat25 · 2015-05-04T02:14:37+00:00

You don't hide problems, you fix them.

That doesn't mean you have to tell everyone (or anyone, for that matter) about your problems, however.

AriMerman · 2015-05-04T05:31:49+00:00

Mark Manson is likely borrowing heavily from the vulnerability:connection work of I forget the blond on ted talks who speaks about the need to resolve shame. The male equivalent of this, is brutal honesty, aka do whatever the Fuck you want, say what you want, and hide nothing. Never fail to push for sex, and be successful. We dont open to connect, and share our weaknesses, as men. We initiate sex, and expose our desire....makes us vulnerable to rejection, or ridicule. We broadcast, to attract. So, his frame is inherently feminine, as it's analytical, versus actuarial. His definition works, partly, for men, on a biological level, but obscures the masculine rationale way of imagining, and conceiving, how to do this, successfully. Tell a woman you are only interested in sex. That's a way of proving you have no unresolved shame. Then start initiating it, and dominating her into wanting it, which proves you are a safe keeper of the vulnerable. That's a more uniquely masculine way of describing the dynamic. Mark sold out to the ladies. His work is predicated by feminine visualizations and conceptualizations. Works bit doesn't work for me.

RPMahoutsukai · 2015-05-04T10:24:17+00:00

Thing with women is, in a traditional relationship, they depend on you for protection, defense, stability. That's why you can't show weakness to them. On a deep level, hardwired over thousands of years (or millions if you believe in evolution), women expect you to be the one who will protect them from sabertooth tigers, harsh climates and other people, bring them food and make shelter and so on.

When you show weakness, when you need to cry on her shoulder because you have a hard day at work, or because something else happened which is insignificant to her instincts (it's not like you lost an arm or your father died), on that level you show her you're not the man for her. She can override it with her mental programming and acquired behavioral patterns, but you shouldn't expect her to.

Problems men face today are hugely insignificant compared to what men faced in the past. It's not like you're risking your life every day on the job. It's not like she has to worry if you will come back home from work in one piece. That's why it just does not compute for her when you show your weakness. That's why you don't show your weakness.

NMMNG is speaking about a different thing.

You should not be apologetic of your character, you should not try to adhere to some standart. Like, say, you were late 5 minutes to a date, do not start to apologise like crazy, "because you're a kind of person who's never late". If you do something stupid, admit it and move on, don't beat yourself over it in front of her ("oh how foolish I was, dammit!" and so on). Speak freely about things you've done in the past ("vulnerability" concept from the book "Models"). Admit you're not perfect (like, yes you can forget sometimes, it happens, you're just human).

This is more about IDGAF attitude towards whatever problems your imperfect humanity is causing. Nice Guy tries to be perfect - never offend anyone, never create problems, and so on. Instead, you act like Han Solo from episode 4: shoot a dude dead in a cantina, say "sorry for the mess" in a confident tone, give bartender a tip, move on.

a_nus · 2015-05-04T00:48:48+00:00

Hide, or demonstrate you aren't phased by, your problems from girls.

You can vent about your problems with close friends/family, that's natural to a certain extent.

Title	Should we hide our problems?
Author	monerap
Upvotes	10
Comments	16
Date	May 3, 2015 8:14 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/34qz58/should_we_hide_our_problems/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/should-we-hide-our-problems.148578 https://theredarchive.com/post/148578

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