I think my rambling is all pretty relevant and worthwhile, but downvotes may tell me different. So be it. Anyway, here's a little bit about my path into the community (a path I'm really just starting) and what I can see it doing/being to me. Along with my own insight into some lessons I've learned in life that this journey is helping me to internalize further.

Hello, Seddit. I'm a guy a little older than (I think) a big part of this community. I'm 38 and just now putting myself out there. I've been out of any kind of game for almost two decades; starting at meeting her at age 20, "girl of my dreams" inevitably turned into "marriage of my dreams" turned into "nightmare from which I had to extricate myself at age 38." Not a great way for life to go, but you build on what you have.

So, I started reading here when I was in my "woe is me, whatever am I going to do, how will I ever find another girl" depression during the marriage meltdown. I like the inner game discussions - they confirmed for me what I was already thinking, that I needed to get my shit back together and get myself in order before I worried about any women at all. So I did.

I was already in pretty decent shape. I've maintained lifting and running, rock climbing, and other fun exercise in my life for a long time, so I didn't have to do much work there, just get back to it a little harder again. I already had hobbies, so I rededicated myself to learning guitar a bit better. I have a great career, which had suffered a bit while I was dealing with all of this, so I dedicated myself to improving it again. Keeping myself fit and interesting on the outside weren't too hard, but for a couple of minor issues.

My personal style needed work. I'd actually picked things up in my clothes over the last couple of years, and I had a general "neat and clean and fine" appearance about me, a professional but boring and not particularly fashionable look. I needed to do some work on my presentation and appearance to update my style.

I stopped first at the woman who's been keeping my hair boring and just OK (at my request) for several years. She's a sweetheart, had always been friendly, and was a little heartbroken to hear what I was going through. She decided she was going to make an extra effort to help me just tweak my style so it could remain professional but give me some options to stand out a little more, too. She worked with my preferences and my hair to give me a cut that works better for me. It actually took a few cuts over a number of weeks to get it where she really wanted it for me, as we needed to grow some of it out and re-shape some things to flatter me more, but the results were worth the effort. First Lesson Learned - Take advantage of the professionals in your life in areas outside the usual "professional" jobs. People who have dedicated their lives to things like style will help you with the things you need to improve if you let them. Don't ever discount someone as "just a [whatever job they have that didn't necessarily require college but definitely requires skills you and I don't have.] In fact, make it a point not to discount people at all. Almost everyone knows something that you don't.

She also had another suggestion for me - I'd never had any facial hair. She wanted to know whether I had considered growing just a short beard, barely more than stubble, because she thought it would look good on me. I decided I'd give it a try. By the next time I was there getting a cut, I'd grown out a nice, short, trimmed and shaped beard and mustache. She couldn't have been more complimentary, and several other girls came in to work while I was there, saw me, and complimented me effusively on the change it had made. One told me there was nothing wrong with the way I looked without facial hair, but that the beard was pretty hot. (Which helped with confidence, another issue I address below.) Second Lesson - Seriously consider style advice offered freely by someone who has nothing to gain from it but who has obvious credentials to support their knowledge in the area.

Like I said, I'd already improved my clothes a bit over the last few years - after I had fixed up a body that I had let go just a little bit - so I was on my way there. Still, there's always room to improve, so I hung out around the MFA subreddit a little, looked at their ideas, discarded some as not for me, took some of the advice (given to others, but applicable to me) enthusiastically, and made a few additional purchases to improve myself some more. Third Lesson - Good enough may be good enough, but why settle? Keep trying to improve.

So, outside taken care of, interesting hobbies and life in place, now I knew I needed to work more on my confidence, my self-esteem, my mental state, and my ability to enjoy again. I was (justifiably) a wreck after what had happened to me, and I couldn't seem to pull myself out of it, so I got help. I did what I never thought I would do and saw a therapist to help me with this shit. Even though I had always seen it as a sign of weakness, like it's something that only other people should have to deal with, I got the professional help. And I'm glad I did - it made all the difference in the world. This was an area of thinking where I was WRONG. Fourth Lesson - When your back is against the wall, reexamine your options. Put your own stale thinking under a microscope, figure out where you may be limiting yourself, and stop it.

After a bit, I figured out that I was doing somewhat better, but that I was going to have to put myself out there a little bit in order to really start getting better. I made a point of putting myself into "safe" environments first. I went to parties with old friends I'd grown apart from a little due to the normal "marriage and kids" issues. I made a point of reconnecting with both men and women I'd known in the past but maybe fell out of touch with. I made a real effort to talk to people I knew, but with whom I'd never had any particularly close relationship. In short, I started just "opening" a bunch of people I already knew, but needed to catch up with. And I found myself growing in confidence. Everybody had a great reaction to seeing me happier and putting myself out there again. Women I've known for a long time were suddenly giving off at least a mildly flirty vibe that had never been there before. I was starting to see that there could not only be life after marriage, there could be LIFE after marriage. Fifth Lesson - Wherever you find yourself in life, whether it's what you wanted or not, it's where you are. Suck it up, deal with it, and build the best life you can from whatever foundation you have.

So I took another step. I got myself out of the friendly confines of small get-togethers where I knew pretty much everyone on some level and allowed myself to go out to some chill bars with a friend or two or ten. One of my best buddies knew better than me what I needed, so he set a girl who was clearly on the prowl on my scent one night. I started a little mad at him, because I thought I wasn't in a place that I really wanted this kind of attention yet, but it actually felt great to see this obvious interest from this girl. So I made nice with her a little bit, I started applying some of the things I'd read here, I escalated the kino as much as I had to (she was doing most of the work for me, frankly), and I k-closed her in a pretty short time. Not a close that really spoke of any skill on my part, but I was certainly happy with it as a way to take a further step back out there. It was the first time I'd kissed anyone new in nearly two decades, and she was cute. Hooray for me. Sixth Lesson - Listen to your good friends sometimes. Every once in a while, someone you trust who has a different perspective on your life may know what you need even better than you do.

After that, I was ready to try to get out there, but I was still a little anxious about trying to go out and pick up. So I joined an online dating site instead. Got a good picture, put together a witty little profile, and slapped it on the internet. My thinking was that I could write pretty decently (and prolifically), so I'd use that to my advantage in meeting women. It started to work. Women on the site paid some attention. I started messaging with women. I started meeting women for dates. I kissed a few more girls. I met an ongoing FWB. I heard over and over that I was a very attractive guy. I dated and slept with another girl, I'm not even sure what that one is; possibly another FWB now. I started to believe in myself, a lot. Seventh Lesson - Play to your strengths! If you can write well, find a way to use it to your advantage! Do what works for you, not what works for other people.

That brought me to the place I was at last weekend. I was feeling pretty confident in myself again. I knew again that I was attractive to women. I'm a decent looking (if a bit short, but who cares?), smart, interesting, funny guy with a good career, and hobbies. I'm good to my kids, taking care of them primarily, in fact, which is like catnip to a pretty good number of women, as long as I don't overplay the dad thing. I have a lot going for me.

Which is when I found myself in a quandary. For the first time (in more than a dozen dates), I got stood up. On a Saturday. When the kids were with their mother. I was not going to waste this night. What would I do? To hell with it, I was going to take another step. I was going to pick up a woman without the online crutch. I was going to turn being stood up into a positive step on my own road. Being stood up just meant I had a whole night to myself to find out what I'm made of. Eighth Lesson - Find the silver lining in that cloud, use it to your advantage, and turn the loss into a win.

If anyone is interested in the field report from that night, I plan to put it together later. Work calls.