Advice

monstrousheart · 2019-06-19T07:40:33+00:00

My advice is hard, but it's the advice you'll be working towards step by step anyways.

You just have to stop giving a shit about what other people think. I'm telling you, I'm a girl - and guys who don't care at all what other people (male and female) think of them - are very secure with themselves, and they appear confident because they aren't constantly showing body language/speech that says "oh no, I'm im a public place - what do they think of me? I'm so worried".

So what I'm saying is, I could give you a whole list of ingredients and a recipe - or I can just tell you the goal here is to make a pizza.

Your pizza is complete self-confidence, not giving a shit what people think about you, and not giving up on yourself or your appearance.

Seriously, why does it matter what a hot girl thinks about you? Would you feel the same way if an ugly girl thought that about you? Do you value their opinions equally? Because at the end of it, you should realize both of them are just human beings with lives of their own.

People aren't constantly judging you or watching you and looking down on you. I know anxiety is hard but you have to start saying "don't give a shit, don't show that you give a shit" to yourself. It helped me tremendously.

In my opinion, the only time it matters what someone thinks of you is when you're in a solid relationship with a woman, and you want to marry her. Then it matters, and your opinion of yourself will ALWAYS matter, and only you can decide what that opinion is.

Good luck

hale326 · 2019-06-19T11:05:22+00:00

u/monstrousheart gave you a good finish line there. But rather than a goal, I'd say it's more a consequence of a much more fundamental thing you need to work on: loving yourself. That will make the whole difference.

Self love is what gives birth to confidence, which in turn means you stop caring about other people's judgment, which in turn means you'll be at ease with whomever you might be interacting with.

How do you get to self love? Well... That's a little tricky. It is not hard at all, in fact, since I started working on it, it took me just a couple of months and my life has already changed completely and my social interactions with it. So it's not a lenghty process most of the times. The problem is that it's different for everyone. It depends on your past experiences, on your childhood, on traumas you might have had etc.

The best advice I can give you is to look for a psychotherapist, a good one (ask around, the price doesn't mean much by itself). The reason is that doesn't matter how much self-help you try, you will always be blind to some behaviours you have that comes from not loving yourself completely and a professional will help you adjust the aim.

Schtemich · 2019-06-19T14:42:18+00:00

You describe your self-doubts as "irrational bullshit". Good. You're not blaming the world around you, but recognizing that you need to change. This may not seem like much, but it's an important step that many people struggle to make. Genuinely and honestly: well done.

So, continuing the theme of being as rational as possible - let's think how you might more effectively manage your thoughts and expectations in social situations, particularly in the context of girls and dating.

One way that I've personally found to be extremely effective, is to pursue smaller objectives that don't lead anywhere. Tiny, achievable goals, that are an end in themselves, are a great means for building experience - and experience is ultimately where confidence comes from.

If you only talk to attractive girls because you're hoping to get with them somehow, someday, it's a daunting objective that's only setting you up for failure. A lot of pickup advice is concerned with "never wasting opportunities" and constantly pressuring guys to approach and make a move, escalate and close the deal... but unless you have the right experience under your belt this can be extremely intimidating and counter-productive for confidence-building. It was for me.

Instead, set yourself small social goals to accomplish with no ulterior motives. Ask the hot barista how her day is going while she makes your coffee, not because you might get with her but because a little small talk is just fun. Then move on. The success condition is simply: try some small talk. Do that and you've won. Great. Tick. The success condition isn't build rapport, maybe get her name and number, ask her out, go on a date, escalate with her, kiss, invite her home, have sex... Always thinking you should be striving for that is a macho mental prison that'll drive you nuts.

Before long a weird thing will happen - you'll really start enjoying these little social goals that you set yourself. They're like small achievements and they're rewarding. You will naturally start setting bigger goals, making jokes, asking questions, and really enjoying interactions for their own sake. You will cease worrying about whether someone is flirting or not, because it wasn't why you talked them. Instead, it becomes a fun question.... oooh, I wonder if she was flirting a bit there? Interesting...

This positive place of confidence and experimentation will do you wonders.

Title	Advice
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	6
Comments	6
Date	June 19, 2019 6:50 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/c2dqee/advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/advice.1299120 https://theredarchive.com/post/1299120

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