When I began my journey into the self improvement and seduction world, I greatly enjoyed the articles and [FR]s posted on seddit. They taught and inspired me. Glancing over the front page now, I see less quality content. My journey is by no means over (is it ever?), but I would be wrong to not share the experience and wisdom I have gained over the past few years, and help others out when they need it most.

This is the first installment of a series of pieces I will write. They will be concise and to the point, touching on various aspects of self development and success with women.

Appreciate Failure: Why rejection is a healthy part of your journey.

Take a moment to internalize the fact that you will be rejected. Chances are you already have. It is an absolute. There is no way around it. You can only control how you deal with it.

  • Don’t take it personally. Nick Sparks has a useful rule that I’m going to quote here — the 60/40 rule. The rule, paraphrased: Any reaction you get from another human is 40% due to you, and 60% due to other completely unrelated things in their life. If you’re unsure of this, think of your own life. Over the past few weeks or even days, think of conversations you’ve had or things you’ve done. Basic things like hunger and fatigue can greatly affect your behavior — even if you like the person you’re talking to, you might seem irritable or upset. Understand that despite your best efforts, you WILL fail due to factors completely out of your control. Furthermore, succeeding with every woman you approach would be awful. Manson discusses this in depth in Models, but I’ll briefly touch it here (If you haven’t read Models cover to cover, PLEASE do so). Imagine every aspect of your personality, all tossed together in a box like so many multicolored chemicals. This is you. Now, when you talk to a girl, the box of your personality and the box of her personality are mixed together. These chemicals are frothing together and reacting with each other. If you were somehow immune to getting rejected — she gives you her number, agrees to a date, etc — you will end up going out with girls you are COMPLETELY incompatible with. When you approach a bunch of different girls, a vast majority will not be a good fit for you. The boxes of multicolored chemicals will react very badly, but because you can’t get rejected, you won’t know this. Girls will pick up very quickly on how good of a match you two are, and act accordingly. You, however, will be so busy thinking of what to say next that you won’t have a clue if you’re a good fit. Next thing you know, you’ll be 3 months down the road with this girl that you get along terribly with and you’re trying to get rid of her. Don’t take rejection personally, and don’t beat yourself up. Every girl that rejects you brings you close to the girl who’s box of multicolored chemicals mixes wonderfully with yours.

  • Learn from it. While the specific outcome cannot be perfectly controlled, you can still come away with experience and wisdom. Not only does each approach chip away at your approach anxiety, it also shows you what works and what doesn’t. This is a bit of a tricky concept — a lot of guys think that the 60/40 rule and such allows them to put no work into the interaction, and then shrug their shoulders when they inevitably get rejected. This is a vicious cycle, as they slowly convince themselves that rejection cannot be controlled, and therefore the entire endeavor is hopeless. Let me be clear: no one can avoid rejection entirely, but you can ABSOLUTELY raise your chances through a variety of factors (timing, looking good, being charismatic, etc). Make a mental note of how you approached a girl, where the interaction took place, and other factors that played into your success. If you started talking about the Holocaust and she suddenly “had to go pick up her friend”, don’t play that off as the 60/40 rule. That’s you not knowing proper conversation topics. You can read books, browse seddit, and work on your biceps until Antarctica melts. The true teacher is legitimate infield experience. Get out there and learn.

  • Let it go. As hard as it will be sometimes, move on. You did your best, she rejected you, you learned from it. Now put it behind you. Don’t dwell on it. Learn from the past, don’t live in it. I’ve had many rejections where I thought the girl was something special — she was different, I’d never find another one like her, etc. Pretty silly one-itis. And then, a week or two later, there was a new girl, even better than the last. Then she would reject me, and the whole cycle repeats. It’s very easy to latch on to one person, thinking she’s different and special. In reality this is both wrong and delusional. She’s just a person, and you’re putting on the classic pedestal. Expecting her to be perfect ruins the relationship, because she isn’t. Allow yourself to look to the future and be on the outlook for the next girl.

TL;DR: A percentage of girls will be completely incompatible with you. Of those that are compatible, a percentage will reject you due to unrelated issues in their life. Don’t take it personally, learn from it, and move on. I do not mean to be discouraging or scare anyone away from approaching. Instead, understand that rejection is healthy and beneficial.

This concludes my first installment.

Any and all feedback is appreciated — please let me know if this helped you, and how I could better support you.