Hello sedditors,

I am trying to rationalize why I always have so much inner conflict/drama in my own mind and how it relates/affects my outer life/problems/game I create for myself though negative thinking.

I'm so self reflective and negative. I'm always avoiding or always in a defeatist state. It's extremely aggravating for me to mentally recharge myself back to a state of awareness, out of pity and self loathing to an active state. I wont lie and say I have not made great improvements over the past couple of months (No women what so ever to numbers, some k-closes and finally three weeks ago a very drawn out f-close (no longer a virgin YAY!)(hasnt called back, probably due to me).).

It's strange, when I first started reading I was just trying to get laid and that didn't work, I realized what I really wanted was to improve my relationships with people. I've also realized I'm a seriously socially destroyed person from abandonment issues in the past but that aside.

I've dealt with most of those issues but now I'm just trying to still overcome instances of AA, overall fear, and issues with my ego. I know a lot of these issues also stem from my inability to accept who I am as a person. I also constantly see something that needs to be fixed on myself.

Used to be a Heavy gamer (means of escape from my problems I no longer play and miss video games very much) weighed around 350lbs (6'4'', white, supposedly the alpha male puller) at the beginning of the year and now I'm around 245. Even though I look at my pre/current pics I still do not feel proud about my accomplishments. Merely, that I've now surpassed what I weighed in high school (260) and with my actually semi manly form I should be flooded by women. I will comment that women look at me more often (checking me out? IOI?).

To be honest most of it seems overwhelming. Lonliness and breaking down my emotional barriers are extremely frightening but I continue to work on it regardless. I've read so much material, studied psychology, human behavior, culture, body language and facial expressions yet I still do not feel too accepted and the more and more I read the more disconnected I feel from the rest of society. I guess it could also be I've realized I have problems showing affection but am unsure if its related to AA or something else. I realize I may be overgeneralizing but I've seen plenty of times that self reflection is the best form of overcoming adversities in our lives.

I appreciate the time you spent reading all of this and if you have any advice or books you think could help I'd appreciate it.

TL:DR 99 problems/inner conflict/self loathing/defeatism